Bora Dah and Dioch an Fawr to the New Year!!!

To those of you who are welsh-speakers, I profusely apologise for my apalling mis-spelling of your language...

(it's meant to say "Good Morning and Thankyou" but probably means something like "begone piggish left-hander"... *shrugs*)

Just to say... I'll be welcoming the New year in, at my friends home in Bala, North Wales! I travel down tommorrow after work.. (it's only an hour on the train to Wrecsam)

I'm very very excited... The last two New Year's Eve's have been very boring and lonely, so this is FAB!!!! :-)

Thank you (or should I say Dioch an Fawr) to Adele and her family for inviting me!!!

I've been told to bring wellies for the mud, tho I reckon it's for the old "custard in the wellies" game knowing Adele... Also was told to bring a towel, so guess that means I have to wash while I'm there... (well I spose it is nearly a new year)

There'll be lots of laughs, and I think by New Years Day morning, they'll have regretted inviting the Short Scouse One... Muhahaha!!!!

Much frivolity will be shared, and many pictures as evidence of this will be taken...

I can't wait!!

:-)

Our front room... Not a very good pic, but you can just about see our posh table decorated for when we all ate round it on Christmas day and Boxing day. If you look carefully you can see the Mahogany Dado (is that you spell it??!) Rail all the way round the room at shoulder height-ish, and my mum's big mirror that she bought last year for this room... Looks very elegant I think... Our lovely fireplace and mum's ornaments cupboard in the corner as well. (she'd kill me if she knew I'd taken this without letting her polish everything first... lol)

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YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

Today is a significant moment in the history of me...

I got my digital camera, an it's fab!!! :-)

From this day onwards, I shall be posting more pics, more often, with more detail than ever before!!

To prove this, I shall go mad with some useless pics of the house that I and my family share...

hehe

i think i may have mastered the "one handed takin a pic of yourself" approach... shame I can't edit an airbrush tho...

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taking a pic of urself with a new digital camera when you can't see what ur doing isn't as easy as it sounds...

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Labels

It occurred to me, while I was sitting in MacDonalds, that we've become a very judgemental society as a whole, and we like to keep in our own little groups, anything or anyone that threatens those groups, becomes the outcast, or the outsider.

The lad who I went to the cinema with, is 19 today. He has the mental age of a ten year old most of the time, but it varies. He knows how to laugh, and you can immediately tell when he's happy about something, a big grin splits his face in two!! :-)

The thing is, people label him as "learning disability", so much so that he told me once that is what he's "got". It seems to me, that if you keep telling someone they're something, then, in sone senses, they'll begin to believe it.

I find it funny that because you wear certain clothes, act a certain way, or say certain things, even speak with a certain accent, people immmediately feel they have the right to decide who you are as a person, as if there's no such thing as an individual, there's only "this type" or "that type". In life, I think we like to put people and things into boxes because they're easier to deal with in our own minds.

Hmmm I'm thinking deeply tonight... wonder why?

*sigh*

I took one of my ex-sunday school kids to the cinema today, and while I had a good laugh at the film, ("Christmas With The Cranks" - very childish! lol) I got a load of abuse afterwards walking to MacDonalds...

Aload of lads drove past and because of my fur lined white coat, hurled a load of abuse at me, saying I was a transexual. I hate it when ppl call me stuff like that, since when did the coat you wear determine who you choose to sleep with???

It's pathetic.

I'm in a bad mood now...

No wonder I haven't got a girlfriend if that's really what people think when they see me...

:(

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

I got £100 quid as a gift.

I need a digital camera, I'm not a brilliant photographer or anything, jus so I can keep pics I take and sometimes maybe post them...

I've seen one at Argos reduced from £149 to £74.99, looks quite a good offer...

It's not the best make, but it does have optical as well as digital zoom!

Hmmmmmmmmm....

Need to think....

That's a lot of money to me!!

I am Mario - YAY!!! :-)

I am Mario. I like to jump around, and would lead a fairly serene and aimless existence if it weren't for my friends always getting into trouble. I love to help out, even when it puts me at risk. I seem to make friends with people who just can't stay out of trouble. What Video Game Character Are You?

Im bored today... can u tell?

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my normal (ish!) face...

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this is my tribal face... or constipated... whichever you prefer...

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I like making thilly faces... this is my newest "boxing day and full" thilly face... hope you like it...

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Family Stress...

*sigh*

It's that time of year again, where something as normal and as simple as a family meal turns out to be the worst mare you've ever had...

I just commited the unpardonable sin. My bro and I were moving the table, (it's one of these extendable posh things) and we'd put the glasses and dishes on a chair while we extended the table for my other bro and his wife who are coming for dinner...

Yes, you've guessed it.

While extending the table, I knocked the chair, and one of the glasses fell off the chair and broke into a zillion pieces on the floor.

Then ensued some raised voices, (it was a brand new set of very posh wine glasses) some tempers flaring, and me escaping to my room in guilt to try and make-up for my terrible mistake by writing about it, and hiding until my mother clams down.

She's the best mum in the world really, don't misunderstand. She just builds up the whole "family christmas" thing so that it's "perfect" and gets all the rest of us stressed to beyond reasonable, normal, safe levels.

Hence the stress.

Feel so guilty now, I think I should go and flagellate myself...

(please don't anyone leave sick comments... it's a metaphor!!)

Oh well, heightenened tension dinner calls, and this Judas has to go eat it and constantly comment on how wonderful it is....

:-(

Turkey, Turkey & More Turkey...

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm

I love it.

Which is good, considering the amount I had yesterday!! Haven't blogged for a while, it was a relief to finish work on Christmas Eve, the week had been so stressful, with customers wanting things yesterday for presents, people queueing, old ladies wanting christmas cards reduced because it was christmas eve, young lads wanting me to choose a present for their grandma, and bear the awful responsibility if they didn't like it...

It was horrible.

Am Glad to be off, for a few days at least!!

I got a few presents I didn't expect, my mum went overboard as usual, and I feel guilty cos I only could afford one bottle of Chanel No 5, and that was her present.

I am a bit worried that people will think I've turned gay, cos my mum bought me a new white jacket, lined with fur inside. I actually really like it, but thats what worries me... lol

I got a pair of timberland boots, and lots of trendy t-shirts and shirts... so am feeling young and trendy now... YAY!!!!

Off to church in a mo... I'm leading this morning, dunno if I'm going to go tonite, we'll wait and see.

Got some money for christmas aswell, so am hoping to go to the sales tommorrow and get a digital camera cheapish... Then I can post loads of pics of my terribly interesting life on here!!!

Got to go... the traditional 'Boxing Day Bacon Butty' awaits me downstairs...

Mmmmmmmmmmmm

The Night before...

Tommorrow, I start a new treatment for my M.S.

For those of you who read my blog, you'll know I hardly ever talk about having M.S, part of that is physchologically, sometimes I don't want to acknowledge it, I don't want to give a name to this disease that is eating away (mildly at the moment, but maybe worse in the future) at my brain and spinal chord.

Tommorrow I start daily injections, administered by myself of a drug called Copaxone. This drug, could potentially reduce the possible future disability I may suffer. I mst admit, I have a deep sense of trepidation about tommorrow: to me there's something unatural about being taught to inject yourself, in effect to puncture yourself with a foreign substance daily. (those of you with piercings will think I'm being oversensitive I know!)

As I said though, to start daily injections, is to in one way admit this disease is happening in me, even in the times I feel "fine", the times when I look healthy and have energy. In fact, all the time.

Two incidents made me realise that I had to do something about my M.S.

One, is happening at the moment.

I have had a recurring symptom, happening every five or so minutes in a day, where I get a rush of dizziness down one side of my body, starting at the top of my head. What is more frightening, is that if I happen to be having a conversation during it, I ten to slur my words, or even stop, because I find it difficult for my mouth to form the words, and make a sound like "mmwwwwwmmmpphhhhh", which sounds funny, but is very frightening, if it's happening to you.

The other, is a silly little "moment" I had on the bus on the way into work. I was preparing to stand up to get off the bus, as it had reached my stop. Usually, when you think a thought, you start a process, and before the thought has left your consciousness, as it were, you have already performed the task. As I was thinking "I must get up now", I suddenly realised I was still sitting down, and had not moved.

To other people, this brief pause for the tiniest of mili-seconds might seem a bit dramatic, but to me, I was immediately aware that something wasn't right. My legs hadn't responded during the thought process, they'd "waited" until after I had finished making the thought.

As I said, to you this might not seem important, but to me it was a very frightening experience, as in a tiny way, I'd been reminded that i wasn't working completely right.

I hope that I can summon the strength tommorrow to overcome my fears and learn to inject myself. This new treatment could have a welath of positive outcomes long term for me, and I need to grasp hold of that as I think about tommorrow. I'm very very daunted.

Carol Service... YAY!

It's our Carol Service at church tonight and I can't wait! (and there's only one carol going as far as I know)

It's quite traditional, which makes keeping up with the piano and violoins on the guitar quite a challennge, but definitely fun!! I'm singing in the service tonight, which I'm quite excited about, as it's one of my own songs. I feel like I'm part of the furniture of the service, because I sing almost every year, and try and write a new song every year.

Last year I got all the women in the church crying, because I wrote a lullaby based on what I thought Mary's feelings would have been, at her son's life, and when he died. I got to sing it with someone else, and it went really well. I've done slower songs for the service most years, so it'll be a bit different this year as the song I'm doing is a bit more up-tempo. I hope people find it helpful, we'll have to wait and see.

It's all done by candlelight, so I hope they've got a spare one for my words, as I haven't memorised them all yet!! That'll be fun, if I have to remember them!!

Oh well, have to go otherwise I'll be late...

Bye!!

The Night After...

Well, last night was the Big Night Out to town, for my brother's birthday, which is on this coming Wednesday...

The words "Big Night" were right on two points:

1. every woman seemed to be 2 foot taller than me, confirming my suspicions that I am in fact a small (yet charming!) freak of nature...
2. a "lonnnnggggggggg night" to be precise: I waited in the rain and freezing cold for TWO AND A HALF HOURS for a taxi, eventually giving up at 2:30 a.m, and waking my Dad up to come and pick us up!! About 30 taxi's drove past the queue, even though we were at an official taxi rank, all because they wanted to pick people up on the other side of town!! (have you ever heard such a pathettic excuse?!)
   
   Unfortunately, I was in work today, so after getting to bed at 3 a.m, I had to get up FOUR HOURS LATER to go to work!!
   
   I was absolutely shattered today, everything was an effort, from making a coffee to serving customers... what a horrible sleep-depreived day... yeuch!
   
   So... the night out wasn't that great after all.

White Christmas...

Before you read this, I'd like to apologise to Nick, who's genius idea this was... I thought this was soooo funny that I would post it on here, but all the credit goes to you Nick!!

(you know who you are!)

Right...

Did you know the song "White Christmas" originally came from a list of people's names??

Here's the proof:

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Muss
Jess Likedee
Juan Swee
Hugh Sterno
Wendy Treetops-Glisten
Anne Children
Liz Anne
"Two Ears" Laybelles
Cindy Snow
Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Musswit
Avery Crease
Miss Carr Dai Wright
Mayor Dazeby
Mary Anne Bright
Anna May Hall-York-Rhys
Mrs B. White

LOL LOL LOL Genius!! *dies laffin*

Day Off...

I've spent most of it waiting in for my needle shipment to arrive for Tuesday's appointment at the Hospital...

Oh well, at least it's here now!!

Can get on with tidying and cooking now....

Small Panic

I'm singing on Sunday night.

I woke up with a really sore throat this morning.

heeeeeeelllllllllllllllllppppppppppp!!!!!

Being British (Pt II)

Also:

We invented Yorkshire Puddings

We invented Dumplings

Yummmmmmmmmm....

Mmmmmmmmmmm

Toast & Filter Coffee...

There's nothing better for breakfast.

Being British...

I've decided roughly translated means "being superior".

We're ahead of alot of countries in timing, we've lived today while you were still waiting for it. In fact you could say we're a "looking ahead" people. (in terms of GMT anyway)

• We have chips, proper chips that are fat, greasy, satisfy, and taste lovely.
• We have pies that are gorgeous.
• We have mushy peas.
• We have anti-gun laws for the general public.
• We have police authorities that can work across boundaries and even with each other.
• We have the SAS, who everyone thinks are great.
• We have kebabs, steak, Chicken Tikka Masala (invented in britain!)
• We have ColdPlay, The Beatles, Deff Leppard, Stone Roses, Starsailor, and thousands of others...
• We're so great, TIME itself is measured by us.
• We invented football. (the proper game, not the one where you wear loads of pads and use your hands, it has the word 'foot' in the title, remember??)
• We're so great, Madonna moved here.
  

So there.

Should I go on?

Three Days To Go...

For those of you who don't know, it's Claire's birthday on the 16th! (just doing you a favour claire! lol)

If you want to wish her happy birthday on the 16th, visit her page to leave a message:

http://www.faceparty.com/clairewitts

She'd particularly appreciate lots and lots of e-cards on the 16th, as she's had to hint to her friends. With a birthday so close to Christmas, she always misses out! Go on, do a good deed, send a stranger a birthday card!

Thankyou!

:-)

Today...

• I heard a customer use the word "howsyerfather" in a proper conversation... lol lol lol (they were at least 60 years old!)

• I got asked by one of my pastors (who rang me at work) to sing at the candlelit carol service on sunday...

• I had to lift 6 parcels of VERY heavy books...
  

• I have been coughing most of the day, a really annoying 'tickly' cough aswell... :(
  

• I decided what song to sing on Sunday, I wrote it a year ago, but haven't used it in public yet, even better it is a Christmas themed one...
  

• I haven't had a filter coffee yet... (will rememdy that in a minute)
  

• I have had some flatulence problems... :s
  

• My dad walked into my room and commented "it smells" and walked out again... lol lol lol (see above comment)
  

• I bought a Chilli Beef, AND a Cheese and Onion pastie for lunch... (maybe the cause of my above mentioned medical problem)
  

• I put on my ripped jeans and white t-shirt after getting home from work... (in a slob/scruff mood)

• I am listening to a very old album, 'People' by Hothouse Flowers...

• I have decided to dye my hair back to blonde at the end of the month, as it is no longer purple, but a pathetic looking burgundy...

• My brother bought a double bed for himself and put it together today while I was at work. (it was a flat pack, and looks ace, and I'm very jealous. lol)

• I thought about people I know at least twice today while it was quiet in the shop... (I do that quite a lot actually!)

• I got annoyed at Norton Internet for keep interupting me with security messages, and "did I want to allow messenger?" Duh.

Well, that's some parts of my day so far... and it's only 9:15!!

Knackered...

I'm off to bed early.

I'm REALLY, REALLY tired...

Getting up at 6 yesterday nearly killed me! lol

Goodnight for now, this hobbit is taking a nap....

My MANLY, BUTCH... Cardigan!!!

I have one, and I wore it this weekend...

Please do not scoff, those of you that saw it agreed that it was not in any way feminine...

So there.

Shyness... AAARRGGGHH!!!!!

I really enjoyed my time in Wales...

Except for the first hour or so. My nerves got the better of me, and I clammed up and went shy!

I HATE IT when I do that!!

I sat there for twenty minutes or more saying very little and letting them do the talking. I must have looked a right freak, coming down, and then not saying a word! I guess it came across as being ignorant, or even worse, dislike. It wasn't, I just clammed up. :(

On a positive note, I WAS THE MURDERER!!!

MUHAHAHA!

lol when I got near the end of the script, I was really shocked to find it was me, the Revd!

I had to lie through my teeth towards the end, which I found surprisingly easy!

(lol if you're facing a ficticious jail sentence I spose it's allowed! lol)

All in all, a great time. I'm glad I went. And the best thing is, none of them were freaks... except me...

Oh well.

See if I get invited back!!

Oh, btw....

Angie's cats are gorgeous, and VERY friendly.

I want a cat now, but mum is allergic to them so we can't. :(

A night in the Far East...

tommorrow, I am going to be in the Far East...

I am an american missionary called Rev Spooner, and I hate organized crime...

Actually, I'll be in Caerphily... lol I'll let you know how I get on... ;)

It'll be wierd to meet up with people I chat online too... hope I'm not a dissapointment in real life!!

Should be a good laugh tho... lol

The Problem Of being short... (revisited)

It usually doesn't bother me, but tonight I am really fed up.

I got 5 pairs of new jeans in the summer, and only just found them again brand new and unworn in my wardrobe a few days ago. I'd forgotten about them, you see.

Anyway, I dropped them into a taylors to get them altered to my usual 27 inch inside leg. Problem is, when I got them back tonight, they're STILL too long, 'cos I didn't try them on, and forgot to take into account that they're a little bit baggier then my other jeans, hence the crotch is a bit further down.

For those of you uniniated with altering, this means that my jeans are still 3 INCHES too long!!! AAARRGGGHH!!!!! So, £17.50 was wasted, as I have to take them back tommorrow to get re-altered to 24 inch inside leg, because they're baggy style...

Damn!

Really, really annoyed 'cos was gonna wear one of them to angies, but will have to wear my bog standard old faded ones now...

Grrrr.....

Oh dear.....

Look at the following site, if you think Pat Robertson was scary before, look at these quotes!!!

http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/quotes/revpat.htm

(It is a bit biased since it's from an atheist site, but what he has gone on record as saying, even for me a Christian, is VERY scary!!)

lol I think he's more interested in political power than following Jesus...

Scary. *shudders*

Horlicks Knock Out

I'm tired and want to sleep...

There's only one thing for it, I'll have to have a pint of Horlicks.

Nite.

Grrrrrrr....

Just snapped my brand new High E string trying to fit the stupid thing...

aaarrggghh!!!!

Will have to buy another one now...

Anyone got a '9 spare??

:-(

Hmmmmmm...

How quickly a week passes! I'm having yet another long day again tommorrow, working late till 7:30!

Was really busy in the shop today, felt like I was chasing my backside all day.

On a happier note, I've convinced my sis to start a blog! Don't know the address yet, but will let you know when I find out!! Maybe her first post can be "Questions to ask me about my incredibly handsome, famous, and successful brother"...

Maybe not.

I also bought some new strings for my electric and have to re-fit them, but dunno if i can be bothered, 'cos the Tremelo Locking System makes it a pain in the bum to do... Oh well, guess it needs doing sometime... *gets allenkey out*

Will be back in a bit and let you know how I got on..! ;) lol

Insomnia Strikes Again...

*deep sigh*

I've got to get up in 6 hours...

*shakes head sorrowfully*

Damn.

N.B. Engagement (Pt II)

P.S, not to wish sympathy on myself... (please no! lol)

But...

when I said "it didn't work out"

what I meant was, "they both decided they didnt want it to work out for them, so made it work out with someone else, behind my back"

If you get my drift...

Ahem.

N.B. "Engagement"

In comment 3 of the list below, the background is that I've been engaged TWICE in the last eight years, and neither worked out; not that I got enagaged to two girls at the same time!!

Just thought I'd clarify, there are some very wierd blokes out there...

;)

lol

Why I am unelligable...

1. I am VERY short. (women like men who are taller than them to have a sense of security, even if they don't admit it)
2. I am almost penniless, and VERY poor. (again, women want security, a guy with no money is not a good choice, first dates will be cheap and nasty, he won't be able to pay for you, etc...)
3. I sometimes do VERY stupid spontaneous things that are embarrasing for people in my life. (spontaneously went and bought a homeless guy a Big Mac meal 'cos I'd walked past him once and God told me "go do it".. lol I speak to people who smell usually quite alot, and know one homeless guy quite well who looks a bit dodgy... lol Also, I proposed on two separate occasions to my gf's at different times, in a: a restaurant on holiday, and got the waitress to "serve" the ring as a desert, and b. at a party in front of all her best friends!! lol needless to say, neither worked out.)
   
4. I sometimes can appear VERY pious, even tho I'm not really. (e.g. comment above.. lol)
5. I am VERY sensitive. I cry alot. (ok, maybe alot was an overstatement, but I do cry at emotional things in films an stuff, it makes girls think I'm gay, even though I'm not)
6. I talk about God ALOT. (this may not seem a bad thing, and to me it ain't, but to some girls, it was!!)
7. I have NO ambition. (seriously, I really don't. loads of money, big cars, big house etc, really doesn't interest me)
   
8. I am a little bit NAIVE. (sometimes I'm too trusting, even with perfect strangers)
9. I am an Introverted Extrovert. (In otherwords I'm actually really painfully shy, but play the idiot and make people laugh to cover my own insecurity)
10. (I am both of these, which can equally be a problem:) VERY SILLY and, VERY SERIOUS.
    

I've got LOADS more reasons, but that will do for now...

Why I am Glad I am a Batchelor

Im not usually, usually I'm depressed.

But tonight, I call a rallying cry to all those "singletons" who are male..

My list of why I am PROUD:

1. I get to sit around in my boxies, playing on my playstation with NO interruptions
2. I have just had my tea: at 8 o'clock!
3. My tea was scrambled egg eaten from the microwave bowl it was cooked in, with a Mr. Kipling Apple Crumble on a plate next to it.
4. I can drink LOTS of coffee and not get told off, and leave the percolator on, boiling away nicely for the next mug full
5. I can play LOUD Raucous, Agressive Rock Music
   
6. I can leave shaving for a few days, until it gets really itchy
7. I can have a purple and white mohican... :-)
8. I can watch as many horror movies as I want, and LAFF at the people who get scared by them
9. I can produce as many smells of ominous origins as I want
10. I can belch as loudly as I want

And that dear friends... is my Top Ten.

(I've got to hurry up and finish blogging 'cos mum is coming home and I promised I'd cook the tea and wash up and do the ironing...)

Um....

the top view in a bad web cam...

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see... it's not that bad!!

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My Haircut

For those of you who don't know, my purple and white spiky hair has turned into a solitary purple and white mohican.

This has caused quite a sensation this week, for some bizzarre reason:

At Church:

After the service I was surrounded by about ten elderly women, all wanting to stroke my hair, and saying things like "ooooooooh, isn't he lovely!". VERY embarrassing. I felt like a parrot.

If they'd have been about fifty years younger, I wouldn't have minded.

On another note, both my Pastors said if they had enough hair between them, they'd go and get it done... lol lol lol

At Work:

1. My Boss frowned, and said nothing. Later, he smiled. (HAH! YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING NOW, IT'S TOO LATE!! MUHAHAHA!!!)
2. Various comments from customers: "hasn't children in need finished yet?", "WOW!", "What's his name, I'll get him later!", (one customer after being speechless) "Er.... Er... That's Er... nice." lol lol lol
3. Someone telling me that "you can't be a Christian and have that haircut"... (I forgot my manners and burst out laughing!!) :-)

All in all, it's definitely been worth it! I am actually really shy, but it has been funny to see people's reactions!! :-) I scared myself the first time I looked in the mirror, lol, but I like it now!

Hurrah for the Mohican!

My Calling At Last!!

I'm going to angie's on Saturday to play a mad vicar, with a dog collar an everyfin...

I'm going to luuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve it!!

lol

Waiting for Dial Up...

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Lol I saw this and it made me laff alot... sorry for any Rooney fans out there!!

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Pic Info:

In the pic below I'm the one bottom left in the purplely t-shirt. Mum is in the black dress, dad the rabbi-looking gentleman! lol.

My nan (she's now not with us unfortunately but was a christian... yay!) is on the left of the pic, sitting next to my mum. My auntie Eileen, is on the right of the picture, sitting next to my sisiter, Ruth. Peter is sitting next to me, and david next to him. (my brothers) lol we all look completely different now, but it's funny to put this foto up!!

I haven't really aged in my looks in 14 years at all, but everyone else has!! ha ha!!

This is an OLD picture of my family. I was about 16 in the picture then, so it must have been taken about 14 years ago...

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I was definitely a nerd. Getting contact lenses was the best thing I ever did. This is me at age 7/8, looking serious and pensive... lol

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Another photo from my past... Guess which one is me? (lol here's a clue - top row, far left, looking 1 foot next to my primary teacher, lol lol lol)

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That's Deep Maaaannnnnn....

I've just had a moment of self-realisation, and it scared me to death.

I AM Frodo!!

I'm battling against the power of an evil ring.

In my case, it's the two engagement rings I have sitting on my shelf, reminders of failure in love.

I never should have asked for the darn things back.

Maybe it's not just 'cos I'm short I call myself "hobbit" online.

Woah...

That's just scary.

Therapy!

I've just written in finger picking guitar chords how I feel!

I love the guitar!

You can express so much stuff through music, sometimes even without lyrics...

Feel a bit better now.

...and I love my guitar!

Night in.

I know what I said last night about wanting to withdraw a lot, but tonight I'm truly fed-up about being in.

The honest truth is that I don't really have any good friends as such, and don't have the money to go out even if I did. So, as usual, I'm stuck in on my own in my room, typing these entries to give me something to do. Two years ago, I'd be at my fiance's for tea with her family. Oh how things change. Life seems to have got generally worse and more lonely in the last two years, even though I'm over her.

This will sound really depressing to people reading it. But it is the truth. I'm that low at the moment, I'm afraid that when I meet up with Angie/Jayney and others a week on Saturday, if they ask me to talk about myself, I'll just sit there blankly and look like a freak. I won't know what to say.

That's really bad isn't it?!

:-(

Today

Was a bit of a strange day. It was busy in the shop, then deadly quiet, then busy, then quiet and so on every hour till about 7. Then it really did go completely dead! It meant I got up to date with all the parcels though, which means I'll have less to do tommorrow morning, which is GOOD news!!

I'm in all weekend, including Saturday, which is a bit depressing, but never mind. Tommorrow night I've got to choose songs for Sunday, as I'm leading in the evening service. Just looked on the rota, and it's Communion, so will have to remember that, and choose an extra song. (with me it's not very scientific how I choose songs, but about 80% of the time I get it right, and God chooses to bless them on the night, so I can't complain!!)

Anyways, better be off to bed, have had my Horlicks and I have ten mins of reading before I hit the sack!

Nite!

Mellow but not Yellow...

Well, I finished work. wasn't that bad actually, although I am tired.

I'm in a mellow mood tonight, listening to lot's of quiet stuff on the pooter. (I also have recorded most of my fave CD's onto my pc's hard drive like Lozza has) I really like coming home and relaxing after a hard day at work, chillin to some quiet music, while I blog or surf the net.

Technically, there are people I could ring up, although I wouldn't call them best friends, but I can't be bothered! I'm a bit afraid I'm becoming a bit too self-centred, as all I seem to want to do is spend time on my own, ALL the time! I think it's because it's the only way I can cope with losing my two best friends at the moment; I cope by withdrawing. Wierd, I know, but definitely part of the Jm personality, I tend to do it alot, sort of like a mental/emotional withdrawal when things get difficult. I'm not too depressed at the moment, just peaceful and quiet. I'm aware of God with me in moods like this, I'm grateful that they bring some sanity and perspective back to my largely uneventful life.

On another note...

I'm going to meet up with Angie (for those of you who know who she is) and a whole host of others I chat to online but have never actually met in real life, next saturday!! (the 11th) for a Murder Mystery Weekend at her house, which sounds lot's and lot's of fun!! I'll even get to do a bit of acting, which sounds fun!! I'm a tad nervous, as there'll be lot's of people I've not met before, and I'm the nervous and shy type till I get to know people, but I guess I'll have to act the idiot until I feel confident... (some of you may be unsurprised to hear I'm good at that! lol)

Hmmm... time for coffee.

Loonggggggggg Day...

It's definitely going to be today.

In work till 7:30, please think of me amidst the crazed shoppers...

Will write later.

*goes off thinking about God singing "Nobody Does It Better*

lol Jonny lol

The end of a day...

And I'm tired, and fed-up.

The shop is starting to get very busy now, and to make it worse, tommorrow I'm in from 8:30 am till 7:30 pm, 'cos it's Late Night Shopping. Deep Joy.

This means I won't get home till 8:00/8:30 tommorrow night.

At least it makes the days go quicker I spose. I know that sounds really depressing, but I don't get as exzcited about Christmas now as much as I used to. This will be my second Christmas being single, and my first without Gaz, Gen and little David. It's nearly two years since I became one of "the single" again, and although I'm used to it now, I don't particularly like it.

When you have someone to buy things for, Christmas takes on new meaning, as you find joy bringing joy to someone else. Without that, it's very easy to lose the whole meaning, and bitterly wait out the "happy-go-lucky" season, reliving past hurts and regrets, until the midnight chimes of New Year herald a potential new start.

Oh God, I hope you know what You're doing with my life, 'cos sometimes I feel it's such a lonely mess, only making sense to ou, who can see the beginning from the end. In some ways, it's not all bad; thankfully, I've got the past the stage of getting emotional now every time I see a couple, hand in hand, looking as if no one existed but the other person, and remembering back to when I thought I had that. But in rare moments of quiet, I find myself wondering "Where is she God?". I guess He has His own timing, until then, I've just got to wait. That's the hard part.

Well, now that I've thoroughly depressed myself, I'm off to bed to read.

Nite.

I was cute when I had a tantrum wasn't I! ;)

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I was also a seventies child... (sheesh! look at that fringe! lol)

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Quietly

(Copyright J.M. Cullen 25/6/2003)

Quietly.

Quietly she wonders, what her life could be;
If people ignored the outside, and saw what God could see;
Now and then she whispers, to ears that cannot hear;
To faceless shells of people, imprisoned by their fear;
"Oh, will someone please talk to me?"

Desperately he clings to, a photo of his past;
Of friends and close acquaintances, who disappeared too fast;
Sometimes he remembers, the tears that he fought back;
When happiness was lost to him, when God had turned His back;
"Oh, will someone please comfort me?"

Dont you know that I was there, when the stars were put in place?
Dont you know, I have carried you, I have wept with you,
When the sky seemed grey?
Cant you see, I am totally in love with you?
Cant you see, I have kept you, and, I will keep you still?
Youre My Child.

Songs...

I may regret this...

I've been writing my own songs for a while now, (copyrighted, so don't even think about it... :-) lol) and thought I would post some of the lyrics of them, for what reason, I don't have a clue! lol

They're nearly all about God, people and situations, and the way 'He' thinks of them...

Here goes...

Answers, answers...

Further to my experiment the other day, hear are the results of the sleep deprivation jury...

1. The cheese didn't work.
2. The Horlicks knocked me senseless.

So, to conclude:

1. Cheese isn't as evil as I thought.
2. Malty Goodness really is "good", in the classical greek sense.
3. They should sell Horlicks on the Black Market, and make it illegal

Therefore, this is what I shall do:

1. Drink a cup of horlicks every night before I go to bed.
2. Go to bed.
3. Try to advertise evangelise the amazing healing effects of malt.

(can you tell I'm in an analysing/list-making mood?)

My Weekend In The Capital!!

Haven't got time now, but will give you the low-down on my fab weekend away later...

:-)

Washing...

Why is it that tumble dryers ALWAYS take longer than you think they're supposed to?!

My clothes should have been dry ages ago!!!

I'm gonna sit here and sulk now.

:-(

Stress and Narky Customers...

Had a lot of those today, could've done without it.

The last straw, was when the shop had closed:

*phone ringing incessantly at 5:40pm, TEN minutes after we'd closed. Jm decides to answer it*

JM: Good evening, (company name), John-Mark Speaking?
MAN: Hi, I'd like to order... (goes on to describe product)
JM: (interupting) I'm really sorry to interupt you sir, but I'm afraid we actually closed ten mins ago.
MAN: (sounds slightly annoyed) Oh? What are your opening hours then? (Jm preceds to tell him, ending with the fact we close at 5:30pm. Sharp.)
JM: I'm really sorry I can't help now, but we do have a website, or mail order service if it's urgent?
MAN: No, it's not THAT urgent. (still sounds annoyed) Why did you answer the phone if you were closed then?
JM: (slightly amazed at the question) er, because it was ringing for so long.
MAN: (even more annoyed tone) Well, in future can I suggest you put an answerphone on your line saying "we're closed, please ring back tommorrow" instead of answering the phone in future. It might be better for your customers (spits out the word "customers" with venom at that point)
JM: er... rite.
(man hangs up)

I'm not joking! That was the actual conversation!! I was fuming when he put the phone down!!

AAARRGGGHH!!!!

Injections... Aaarrggghh!

Had a phonecall today from my "patient repersentative" at the drug company...

They're shipping the needles and sharp bins and the drug to me on Tuesday, so I guess I'm starting then.

I have to confess, I am a bit nervous about injecting myself tho...

I've watched the video an stuff, so I am sorta prepared, but it's still gonna feel a bit wierd!

Oh well!

The negative distracting effects of a Blog... burnt chips!!

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Getting Theological Again...

Sorry about this, I seem to be in that kind of mood...

Anyways...

Some geezer was posting about pre-destination on his blog, so I thought I'd add my own comments.

Now, before you reach for the mouse, and flip to another more interesting blog, hang on!

Pre-Destination is EASY!

Do you believe me?

No?

Thought not!

It always hinges round one particular passage: Ephesians 1:4: "...4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love 5 he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will-- 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves..."

I'll be finished in a minute, I promise you. All I'd like top say is... notice two teeny-tiny words, that change the whole context of the verse, if you miss them when reading all the controversial stuff 'bout the beginning of the world...

"in him"

Paul uses this phrase loads in ephesians, yet we miss it's significance here.

What's Paul saying by using this phrase?

Well, if you take it in context, God set up a divine rescue plan for us to get back into relationship with him, even before he created us! He knew that we would turn away from him, and so set the divine gift of Jesus' death for us in our place. He pre-determined Jesus role, that is, he decided on a divine principle:

whoever accepts Jesus death in their place is saved.

That's it!

So, everyone who accepts Jesus love for them and chooses him, is pre-destined in the sense that they have accepted a gift that was pre-offered to them.

That's what I call Good News!!!!

:-)

*starts a party*

Told you I thought it was simple in one sense!! Kinda blows your mind though doesn't it!

:-)

Silly Experiment #1

I'm bored.

Since Science wasn't my greatest subject at school, I've decided to take it up again in service of my insomnia.

I've just eaten a HUGE piece of Cheddar Cheese very quickly, (so I don't get much chance to digest it) to see whether I have any nightmares or strange dreams tonite.

Also, as an interesting twist, I've made some lovely warm Horlicks, extra strength with lots of milk to drink at the same time.

And all this just as my head hits the pillow...

So, will the evil genius of the cheese disturb my sleep, or will the homely "mother earth" goodness of the horlicks soothe my slumber?

Have a vote.

Go on.

Goongoongoongoongoongoongoongoon....

I'll let you know in the morning what happenned...

Nite!! (maybe... ;) )

:-)

Excitement!!

I'm going to London on Friday, I'm going to London on Friday!!!

(can you tell I'm excited?!)

:-)

Pity I get paid on Monday... typical.

At least it saves me spending all of my wages in one weekend I spose!!

That reminds me... I must start my washing tommorrow night...

lol

Insommnia... (Pt 3)

Gonna try and beat it tonight...

Off to bed...

Here's hoping!!

:-)

Jm

It's simple... right?!

You would think so, wouldn't you?!

I'm talking about my first name.

It's John-Mark.

Not john, not mark, not john-paul, not jean-marc, "mr. mark", not dave, or anything else.

So why can't people flippin' say it properly???????

It really, really bugs me!!!

That's why I've told everyone that's ever met me, or that knows me to call me "Jm".

But customers where I work still can't get it right, and people on the fone always think my surname is mark!!!!

AAARRGGGHH!!!!!!!!

Kat's/Jonny's/Valancy Jane's challenge....

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal... Along with these instructions.

Ok, here goes:

"Only as many as it takes to capture Thomas. They're more useful alive"

It's from "White", the third in a fiction/fantasy trilogy I've just fionished reading by Ted Dekker.

Phew, that wasn't so bad, didn't quote from the "How tio be a Gay Icon" book...

er...

um...

I mean....

*runs away*

Insommnia... (Pt 2)

Right.

I don't have insomnia as in staying up all night, but I do find myself staying up till 1:00/2:00 am.

Thanks for people's comments by the way, they were all really useful, and I've decided I have this because of:

1. Illness
2. eating crap food
3. having a computer in my room
4. having a tv in my room
5. reading a suspenseful book before sleep
6. thinking about the next day
7. worrying
8. thinking deeply
9. eating dinner (or "tea" as us brits call it!) really late
10. not having a "sleep routine"

Basically, I'm an insommniac doctor's dream.

(I'm sure there's a pun there I didn't mean..... lol)

Gross British Food

In answer to Comments made, (!) I will attempt tyo explain this strange above-mentioned phenomenom...

Black Pudding:

This is completely gross. It belongs to that strange collection of "food" called "offal", (Basically, all the yucky leftover bits from a dead cow), which includes heart, lungs, kidney, liver, etc , etc.

Actual blood is mashed together into a paste and put into a sausage-type skin and cooked till it is black. Sometimes it's flat like a pancake, but nearly always it has white flecks in it, which look wierd. (possible white blood cells?? *shrugs*)

Anyway, it's leftover body parts of a cow but not the muscle/meat stuff basically.

Really really gross.

Not to be called a hypocrite, I have eaten it once, and found if you eat it quickly with lot's of ketchup, you hardly notice the strange coppery taste of cooked blood in your mouth...

bleuuurrgggh...

*feels sick now*

I will write again when I think up of more strange british "food"...

Mmmmmmmm... *dreams* gimme a large Hot Chicken Tikka Masala with a Naan Bread and Poppadom and Pilau Rice and extra jalapenos on the side and mango Chutney anyday.... mmmmmmmmmmmm.....

Dammit, I'm hungry now.

Yawning is a Luxury...

Some statements that are true:

1. It is late.
2. I must sleep.
3. I must be on time for work tommorrow.
4. If not, I will jeopardise my future career.
5. Black Pudding is Gross.
6. So is Eating Bogies.

Nite.

Insommnia

Apart from the fact I don't know how to spell it, I don't really have it fully, I just sleep less than other people, and seem to survive on 5/6 hours a night.

Don't really feel sleepy, but will try and got to bed now as i have to get up in 6 hours....

Anyone know why ppl get insomnia as a matter of interest?

(awaits with bated breath for answer)

Nite.

Suffering may have results...

Have just realised to my delight, that the new medication I will start to take, (daily injections administered by my good self) could very well result in some VERY MANLY SCARS....

OH, I am so happy right now, it's every little boy's dream, to show off scars....

YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

:-)

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... (X2)

I keep missing out letters in words today, it's really starting to bug me!!

Whether it's just 'cos I'm typing too fast, or just because I'm thick, I haven't figured out yet...

But it is very annoying!!

(had to type this out twice! Grrrrrrrrr...)

Being Old...

You know you're old when...

1. You start using the phrase "when I was your age", and suddenly realise you're talking to people in their late teens...
2. You think about what you're having for tea tonight when you wake up...
3. The term "Progressive Rock" makes sense to you...
4. You remember the ORIGINAL "Band Aid" song...
5. You know who Midge Ure is....
6. You spend your day off shopping/paying bills/looking at bills/cursing bills/watching daytime TV/watching "The World At war" documentaries...
7. You know about/have watched the History Channel...
8. A broad mind and a narrow waist swap places.... (with thanks to Kazz for that one! lol)

I'm sure there are many more!!

Any more for any more?

;)

The Grudge

Went to see this film a few weeks ago, was quite cool as a horror film, but not really scary...

(frightenened the life out of my brother tho! lol lol lol)

For the past few weeks, me and my bro have been ringing up colleagues, neighbours, friends and total strangers, just so we can make the funny noise the creature makes, down the phone. We find that incredibly funny, other people probably just find it annoying!

lol.

Celebrity Update

I forgot to tell you how my "interviewing" went...

Well... I got to the venue for the gig at 3pm on Saturday, and none of the bands were there yet!

(Note To Self: being early is as bad as being late)

Waited round for 20 mins, and got to see one of the girl bands doing their sound check... (salivated alot at this point I'm ashamed to say! *shrugs* ) Was not surprised but extremely gutted to find out during the course of the interview that they all were either married already or had steady boyfriends... Blummin' typical!

I forgot to mention, in the end, it wasn't me who actually did the interviewing, it was Sam and Jess who did that. (they are both 15, and will be presenting their own youth show - apparently I'm too old now... *weeps* ) I just had to go around being excitable and keen and enthusiastic and down-right annoying to all the bands, till they agreed out of sheer desperation to give an interview to get rid of me... (I think it worked!) By the time the gig started at 7:30, we'd interviewed all the bands except two! and also got some very funny and very silly interviews!!

Job done!

We then went upstairs and watched the gig, there were over a thousand people there, and you could smell the excitement!! (actually that was probably just me...) It was a good gig though. Not all the bands were to my taste, but they were all very professional, very talented people, whether they danced like Justin, sang like Freddy, rocked like The Stones, or sang accapella and wow'ed everyone, a bit like the Jacksons. You had to hear the accapella group to believe! One of the guys was a human beat box, which I won't even attempt to describe, apart from the fact that it was WELL COOL!! (in case you didn't guess, there was a good mix of genres there!!)

The only bloke who really annoyed me was the mc at the beggining with the DJ, who kept just saying "c'mon, c'mon" in time to a dance beat. Hmmmmmmmmm....

requires rythmn?

maybe.

requires any form of training, either musical or vocal?

No, definitely not.

Never mind, was still a good night, considering my best friends just left for another country yesterday!! Life will go on, as, fortunately, music always does....

:-)

Mozilla Rocks!

Currently, I have 7 separate tabs, so I can switch and rush like a whirling dervish between my favourite blogs and sites, commenting like a mad poet.

I couldn't do that with IE. *smiles smugly*

Ah the joys of Mozilla!!

(p.s. anyone out there know what a "whirling dervish" is anyway?! )

I am strange.

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Boredom...

bleeuuuurrrrrrgggggggggggggggh...

Procrastination

I'm too knackered to go into my day of interviews and celebrity...

I need sleep.

Badly.

Nite.

Things I've learnt from films...

You'll be surprised:

1. The Ring: NEVER watch videos that you haven't had recommended to you
2. Manchurian Candidate: DON'T hire a british civilian to show you the finer points of Kuwait
3. Wizard Of Oz: BE SUSPICIOUS of women who wear long, curly footwear
4. The Grudge: AWAYS be wary of helping out alone in a crazy person's house
5. Jeepers Creepers 2: AVOID approaching scary looking scarecrows that move, and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES poke your head through a hole in the roof of a broken down bus
   
6. Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs: NEVER accept fruit off a stranger
7. Home Alone I, II, III and XIIV: DON'T under-estimate the power and pure evil of a child.
8. The Sixth Sense: ALWAYS read the obituary each morning to see if you are in it, and are actually dead or not
9. Open Water: NEVER trust hype about a film, it's nearly always just that: hype!!
   
10. Mystery Men: ALWAYS be aware of the power of fury, and PMS!

That's it... for now.

Now I've got that out of my system, I'll try and go to sleep...

Stayin Awake!

P.S. also just realised that having two filter strength coffee's before I go to bed wasn't exactly the greatest idea I've ever had....

*rests huge weights on eyes to keep them closed*

Damn that lovely coffee, it's my own personal drug habit!!

Oh and another thing...

I went to see "The Manchurian Candidate" tonight at the flics with my bro's and sis-in-law.

Brilliant.

You have to see it!! NOW!!!!

(ok then, when the cinema re-opens in the mornin....)

:-)

New Beginnings...

Well, Gaz an Gen should be halfway on their way to Cape town now, in another 6 hours they'll be touching down in their new home.

I hope it's a new start for them, and they have many new and exciting experiences while they're out there! I am of course, a teensy bit jealous!!

I've just been watching Children In Need on TV. This is how sad I'm becoming in my old age, and what my social life has dwindled to!!

Oh dear!

Haven't thought of any other really sad chat-up lines to use yet, what's worse is I can't think of anywhere to use them either!!

On another strand of thought, it's amazing how quiet a house can get at 1 in the morning isn't it! It's quite peaceful at the moment, which makes a nice change...

Oh well, better get to bed, am up early in the morning for a training half day at church. If it hadn't been for the promise of danish'es and coffee when we get there, I wouldn't be tempted!! (Gosh I'm sooooo shallow.... lol)

Nite!!

Ramblings...

I'm sat here eating Strawberry Cheesecake Ice-Cream, and drinking my yummy filter coffee, feeling quite sorry for myself.

I'm losing my best friends tommorrow, as they're moving to Cape town, and find I have a busy weekend to take my mind off it. Saturday morning, I'm at a training course at church, starting at 9:15, and finishing at 12:30. Then, I've got a few hours free until meeting someone outside the Royal Court Theatre at 3pm, to get in early before a concert and interview the bands before the gig, which starts at 7.

Then, Sunday afternoon I'll be helping to set up for a multimedia missionary event in church at 6:30. It should be really good, and I'm expecting it's going to be really challenging.

Then, it's back to work on monday and the rest of the week, before going off to London for the weekend.

I hopefully won't have much time to dwell on things.

It's wierd, my life hasn't worked out at all like the way I thought it would so far. Maybe that's a good thing. I feel quite alone tonight, but part of me also feels quite blase at being alone as well. That's actually a bit worrying, because I'm upset deep down. Hmmmmmmm... being depressing again, I'd better shut up.

Filter Coffee...

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

I've just discovered it, and I've bought fairly traded stuff aswell!

Can life get any better?!

Yes.

I could have a girlfriend.

Oh well.

*goes off to make a coffee as comfort*

Excuse me, haven't I seen you somewhere before?

This, is, in my opinion, the worst ever chat up line in history.

I am, however, thinking of using it, because I desperately need a girlfriend, I'm 30 years old for goodness sake!

This is worrying me greatly, as I must be really, really desperate.

Oh dear.

Thursday Nights...

Why are they different to every other night of the week??!

Strange but true, think about it...

They have the boredom of Mondays, mixed with the potential of Fridays.

You know I'm right.

Keane

They're brill. I'm not normally one for listening to stuff that's in the charts and "current" in that sense, but I'm really really starting to like them...

"Everybody's Changing" has taken on an almost apochalyptic anthem in my life over the last few weeks...

Strange how a song can speak to you in loads of different ways, and can suddenly explode with meaning all of a sudden.

Wierd.

Further Comment...

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I feel sooooooooooo important!!)

:-)

Celebrity beckons...

Well, it's finally happenned.

I'm on the guest list for an event, without even trying!!

It doesn't matter that it's a local city-wide youth event, with loads of different bands, and that I'm tagging along as an "older person" so that a "younger person" can interview the bands for the local christian radio station we're involved with... that's all beside the point!!

I'M ON A GUEST LIST!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! :-)

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

I've just had to traipse all the way into town because the security guards at the shopping centre where I work rang me at 11:30pm said the alarm was going off.

When I got there, it was just the door alarm, not the main thing, and all it was, was a high-pitched whiny noise.

Why it took them till 11:30 to report it, I don't know.

I realised I'd forgotten to press and release the door alarm button before I left the shop, and it must have started 5 mins after I left. Why it took the guards from 6:30 in the nite till 11:30pm, I could not guess!!

My own stupidity in setting alarms show up yet again?

Letting Go...

It's been quite a momentous week emotionally for me so far, and it's only just started!!

The two people I count as my closest friends in the world, are moving to Cape Town, South Africa on Friday. I've known them for a long time, I practically grew up with them, and they've been there for me through two broken engagements, and the resulting broken heart's, and my diagnosis with M.S. I don't honestly deserve such great friends, and I'm going to find it incredibly hard to let them go. I'm partly glad that I can't get the day off, as I'd be an even bigger mess of tears if I had to wave them off at the airport.

I feel very strange, because I have a building "upsetness" that started today, counting down to the day I know they'll be going... At quiet moments during the day today, I've found myself thinking about them and how kind and generous they've been to me, and getting upset, almost feeling a tide of emotion beneath the surface that I have to control, otherwise I'll start crying and never stop.

Added to this, I made the momentous decision to start a drug treatment for my M.S. I've been on a trial, and apart from taking a few drugs to control the symptoms, I've not actually had any disease modifying drugs at all since I was diagnosed 19 months ago. What made up my mind was the fact of thinking about this silent disease, that is slowly scarring my brain and spinal chord, even in the times that I feel fine, damaging nerve cells that may not recover. In a way, it's like admitting I can't fight it on my own, I need to recognize this disease might get worse, and taking steps to avoid the worst consequences later on., is a good decision.

I've been trying to put the M.S. to the back of my mind, pretending it's not there, but recent symptoms and a small relapse, have convinced me otherwise. So, this week has been a step in acknowledging this is a disease I'll have to live with, no matter what the consequences.

Having your heart broken deeply is a very painful thing, it's happened to me twice, and this week it's happening again, but in a different way. Learning that life is a series of stages of "letting go" is a very hard thing to come to terms with, and one I don't relish, but still bittersweet. It's hard to say goodbye to intimate face to face friendships, but joyful in that they're moving to a new time in their lives, as I am in a way with the drug treatment.

Life I think is a series of "letting go's", and it's important how we do it. To resist change, is even more painful, but to welcome it and look for fresh challenges and inspiration is what God calls us to. In some ways, my life with God and others has been like a journey, with God leading the way, sometimes clearly, sometimes hidden, but always there.

All in all, a very emotional week, I don't know if I'll be able to write anything on Friday...

I'm glad I have Jesus, He keeps me open to change, and gives me the strength to cope.

Goodnite.

A Weekend of Working...

I'm going to be very tired by this time tommorrow night.

I'm working at a YouthWork/Spring Harvest Conference tommorrow, helping to staff the bookstall all weekend. My day starts at 6 am, when I will very groggily wake up, tear myself from that land of shifting shadows and possibilities that is unconciousness, and have a shower.

Then I will go downstairs, have a VERY strong coffee, and get my bag ready, before I am picked up at 7am.

I and my collague will drive to the venue, and meet the truck, where we unload 8 pallets with approximately £20,000 worth of stock on it. (This we will do with the help of 6 other members of the team meeting us there) Then we will put up shelving, and put the bookstall up, and put all the stock out in time to open at 4:30 pm.

We will then trade till 8, where we will close the shop for two hours and go and have some tea, to return for 10pm, and trade for one more hour. Then we will cash up, and bank takings, and go to sleep. This will pretty much be the rule of thumb for most of the weekend, obviously with breaks.

That's why I say I'll be tired. But part of me will enjoy it aswell. I'm strange like that...

To inject or not to inject... Pt 2

I've come to a decision.

This disease is eating away at me all the time, (to put it delicately!) even when I feel fine, and I need to be doing something about it.

I'm going to ask to start treatment with Copaxone.

I'm a little nervous about injections everyday, but... hey ho.

Here's to hoping God will work through this drug...

The end of a Day Off Beckons....

Ah... what a sweet thing a day off is!

Have thoroughly enjoyed mine, now back to work tommorrow and the whole weekend!!

I'm working at a Youth Conference in Southport from Friday, (we've got a huge bookstall at it) so I'll have to finish my washing tommorrow night and pack. Work's paying for a flat for us for the weekend, 'cos we'll be closing late each night, after the last train leaves to Liverpool. It's actually easier to stay there all weekend, than to travel back an forth each day.

I hope the beds are comfortable...

Ah well, am keeping my thoughts to myself tonight, I've been far too serious this week, thinking about War an stuff, will have to be silly soon...

Goodnite.

God, War & the Cross... Pt 3

I've just realised in my two previous posts, I didn't explain why I put the Cross in the title!! (that's an overactive brain for you!)

I was going to respond to ur comment made Jonny saying that the Cross is not about a bloodthirsty God., taking revenge...

I agree, but it seems there's a lot of confusion about the Cross and it's significance at the moment. I've just finished reading a book by Steve Chalke called "the Lost Message of Jesus", which is really good... until you get to the Last Chapter. (in my humble opinion!)

The problem comes for me, in the last chapter where Steve says he doesn't teach anymore that the Cross was about a wrathful God punishing Jesus for taking on sin. This, I have to say I struggle with, as all the other points in the book I agree with: Jesus coming into the world to establish a new Kingdom, not of the world, one based on servanthood, not power, one based on an amazing Divine Love that conquers all evil.

All these things I would happilly say yes to, even where Steve says the Cross was about Jesus associating himself with us in our weak, powerless humanity, becoming one of us, yes!

Cutting out the idea that Jesus took the punishment for our sin on the cross however, is going too far. The Bible teaches that since the beginning, God set up a principle that "without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness of sins". Hence, why in Genesis, we see this priciple very graphically illustrated immediately after the Fall: God kills an animal, (where else did he get an animal skin from?) therefore shedding it's blood, to "cover" Adam & Eve and the result & consequences of their sin.

Again, in Genesis, we see this when Cain and Abel start to offer sacrifices to God:

Abel's sacrifice of animals, is accepted by God, but not Cain's of crop. Perhaps this is not just because of the way in which it was offered, (Cain seems to demonstrate pride in that he's angry at God when all the produce he toiled over making is rejected) , but rather because of what the offering was.

After the flood, Noah builds an altar, and sacrifices animals to God as an offering of praise, and thankfulness.

When God calls Abraham, as a sign of the seriousness of the Covenant He is making between them, God kills animals, and blood is shed.

Then, we see in Leviticus Moses under instruction by God) sets up the Principle formally in the Law, and the Jewish Sacrificial System is begun.

In the Exodus, Judgement of Death (which is the result of sin remember) passes over the houses of those who smear animals blood on their doorposts.

This a constantly occuring theme throughout the Old Testament, and it's final fulfillment was in Jesus dying on the Cross. The problem for God, (if I can put it that way!) was that He is a Holy God, and cannot look upon sin, but loves His creation, and wants a personal relationship with each of them. The only way a Holy and Just God can accept us, is if the punishment because of our sin (which is death and bloodshed) was paid by Himself, i.e. His Son. In Jesus, we see the perfect sacrificial Lamb, broken for us, to make forgiveness, and new life possible for us.

The Cross doesn't show us a vengeful God, committing (as Steve controversially puts it!) "cosmic child abuse", rather it shows us the EXTENT that the Trinity would go to, to love us. Although I can't explain it, the Bible makes it clear that Jesus had a choice over the Cross, over whether to fulfill His Father's Will or not. This wasn't just Jesus the Son of Man, but also Jesus the Son of God. He chose, in the Garden, (which I'm sure wasn't the first time in his earthly life) to put His Father's Will first in all that He did. There was no ordering around from God the Father, Jesus the Son chose to go to the Cross. Why?

Because He loved us.

Simple.

That's why I can't accept defining the cross as just an excecise in God Identifying with us in our weakness. Certainly that was another powerful message we found in it, but If that's ALL it was about, we still would not know God, Heaven wouldn't be open to us, and all of Jesus' teachings about living as part of His Kingdom and receiving His Spirit, would have been null and void., because God cannot dwell with sin, and we are sinful.

Through Jesus taking our Punishment, we are clean in the Father's sight, as the price has been paid for sin.

For me, that's a FAR more positive message of God Identifying with us!! He didn't just become one of us, he did what none of us could do, He paid the price of Sin!! Because of Jesus, there's no more regrets, no more guilt, no more false hope: as He Himself said: "It Is Finished!"

Now if that's not worth telling people as Good News, I don't know what is!!

God, War & The Cross... Pt 2

I didn't have time to finish what I was saying or gather my thoughts properly yesterday, so I will attempt again!!

Thankyou for everyone who responded to my previous post, I didn't realise people actually read this that much!! lol

Anyway, what interested me in replies was the absence of where the Old Testament fits in with Jesus teachings on Non-Violence. It was interesting to note that this seems to be a bit of a "gap" in most people's ideas, and it made me ponder that surely if we have theologies, they should be 'whole' theologies, based on both Testaments. Jesus himself said that he came to "fulfill" the law, not abolish it, so when we consider a subject, then surely both revelations of Yahweh and Yeshua should come into it?

Hmmmmmmmm... will have to ponder that one...

I think, because I rushed to present a case, my thoughts weren't really formed properly, and maybe I wasn't as clear as I should have been. I do consider the teachings of Jesus to point to non-violence definitely, but how you reconcile those on a national basis, I still struggle with. The task must be to reconcile them, because if we simply ignore them, we shoot a hole in our own faith. As argued before though, we need to look at the whole message and context, and then come to a conclusion, one which I confess I haven't achieved yet!!

If, as I suggested previously, Jesus teachings were far more radical than how we read them today with 2000 years of 'Christemdom' behind us, then the question begs to be asked, how do they apply? Agressive Non-Resistance is certainly an option, but how does it work itself out in a national situation? Someone commented on the fact of the Holocaust and the Nazi's, how do we interpret Jesus' teaching in the light of these events? It's interesting to note that Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German Evangelical Pastor in Hitler's era, felt so outraged at the evil that was overtaking his country, that he became involved in a plot to assasinate Hitler, and was eventually imprisoned and killed for it. In some of his letters, he talk about asking for God's forgiveness for plotting to kill, but seeing no other way forward in that situation. Some of Bonhoeffer's letters are very moving, as he accepts his imprisonment as a punishment for plotting evil, but still seeing it as an act of loving desperation in an evil situation.

I really struggle with this issue as a whole, and would like to say I am a pacifist, but I still struggle to see how the purest form of Pacifism could work out in a sin-damaged world. Do I like War? Of course I don't. Should a Christian exalt in war? Of course they shouldn't. Should a Christian try every other means possible to resolve a situation first? Of course they should. But the question remains... After every possible solution has been tried, every avenue of diplomacy exhausted, what then?

I can only see then the final option of warfare. I do not believe that Just War Theory is as easy to use in this day and age though, with the prolification in Nuclear Arms, this option seems to be less and less likely. How Nuclear Weapons can be "discriminate", I do not know.

Basically, I still have lots of things to ponder, but I still can't get past "loving your neighbour" in protecting a victim of aggression, whether that be on a personal or national scale?

Any Comments?

God, War & The Cross...

This blog is in response to a few other bogs I've read recently, and some things I've been pondering for a while.

Sven and Jonny both have suggested that if you're a Christian you can't possibly support war. They also suggest that the only solution to an act of aggression is non-violence.

While I am not as intelligent as either of them. or as good with words, I will attempt my own reasoning. A few months ago, I would have actually supported the view that they hold, but find myself now after much pondering disagreeing with them wholeheartedly.

I would like to say a few things before I start!

1. I always get alarmed when I see articles starting with "why christians should/should not" etc... because it gives the impression that there is no variety of beliefs within christianity, it gives no scope for differing viewpoints and suggests that being "christian" is about holding one view, which I think is a bit of a dangerous assumption to make!! (obviously apart from certain fundamental beliefs like Jesus as the Son of God/The Trinity, etc, etc...) (Sven/Jonny take note, if you're suggesting this, you're as gulity of 'fundamentalism' if only in your view of this one issue as the christians you make fun of for theirs!!)
2. The Bible is a very complicated book, and it's very easy to read verses out of context and very quickly "summarize" a passage without looking in detail as to it's context, to pertain it's meaning.

That said, here goes:

God is not automatically against the taking of life. If you look at your Old Testament history, God seems to command the Israelites at certain points while taking their promised land, to slaughter whole villages and tribes, in some passages, women children and animals, like a sort of ethnic cleansing.

I understand that some theologians talk about the idea of "progressive revelation", the idea that God was revealing himself stage by stage to his people, and they may have thought that Yahweh wanted these things dome, but that he didn't actually command them to kill in His name, they just "thought" that He did, because they didn't know Him very well, and they projected onto Yahweh their own idea of what He would act like, e.g. other 'gods' around them at the time acted like that, so why shouldn't Yahweh?

The problem with this is, you're starting to question the accuracy of the reporting in the Bible. Once you start to question this passage or that passage because it doesn't fit with your views, why couldn't you question the interpretation of the Israelites throughout the whole Old Testament? Either the text is trustworthy or it is not.

If you look at the 6th Commandment, God makes a distinction in his wording. A common misconception is that the commandment says "Thou Shalt Not Kill". It doesn't. What it actually says in Hebrew, is "Thou Shalt Not Murder". Though I am no Hebrew expert, I cheated and looked it up, and the word specifically means "to murder", i.e. it doesn't say not to kill par se.

This obviously gives us a difficulty, how do we justify this? If we use this approach however, we're making a mistake. The whole basis of the Ten Commandments (as shown in the first one) was to show that God is Sovereign, is Holy, and has no equal. He does not need to jusify Himself. To understand some of these passages, we need to understand the Holiness of God not as a characteristic, e.g. as a part of His Character, but rather as a physical (when God is spoken of in a physical way) representation of His Otherness, a quality of His Presence. Elijah talks about his vision of God's Holiness, and it terrifies him, and without a word spoken by God, Elijah immediately falls facedown and realises his own sinfulness and unworthiness in comparison, such is the greatness of God's Presence.

I still struggle with these ideas, but it has helped me some way to understand that as Isaiah says "your ways are not my ways, says the Lord".

Jesus, in his teaching, did teach that we must refute evil with good yes, but, if you accept that the apostles were passing on the message of Jesus after his ascension too, then Paul talks about authorities that are put in place by God. (Romans) Paul seems to suggest that governments are given a special authority from God to rule, and this can include the authority to punish the wrongdoer as seems right under authority from God himself.

If you take the idea of Situation Ethics, sometimes the loving thing to do is to show a love based on tough decisions and circumstances.

e.g. if you were married, and had a child, and an armed man came into your house, would you simply resist a confrontation, or would you try and stop that man? Surely to resist, is not showing love, as it would result in not only your death, but more importantly the death of your wife and child. Simply to stand in the way would achieve nothing, as the man would kill both yourself and your wife and child. The lesser of two evils would be to (if neccesary) kill the man who is attempting to endanger your wife and child. Simply to do nothing, would not be showing love, or loving your neighbour (your wife and child) as yourself. To do nothing on your own behalf, is your own decision, yes, but to do nothing on their behalf endangers them. However I study it, I can not see anyway past this argument.

If you study the passages carefully, Jesus was nopt simply advocating a passive resistance to evil. The meaning we take from these passages today would have been heard completely differently to those of the original hearers. To carry a coat two miles, would have put the soldier who forced you to carry it one mile anyway, in a difficult position. If his superior found out he'd apparently forced someone to carry his pack two miles, he would have been court-marshalled. Similarly, when Jesus talks about giving someone your shirt, he was reffering to a practise in the courts at the time of debtors giving up outer clothing in the event of paying a debt. When jesus said give them your shirt too, he was actually suggesting the inner garment, i.e. saying if you want it, take it all, and going naked out of the court!!! This would result, not just embarrassment for the person who's clothes they were, but perceived shame on the court for apparently enforcing such a harsh decision!!!

The Bible is always more interesting and complicated than you think, and it's dangerous to suggest that it's simple!!!

I will write on these issues more after I come back from Church as I'm now late!!!

The Common Seahorse.... lol lol lol

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To inject or not to inject...

I still haven't decided yet.

Anyone with M.S. got any advice?

I need to let them know by next Wednesday whether I want to start them or not.

Hmmmmmmmm.....

This Week....

Well, it's nearly the end of the week, unfortunately it'll be a bit longer for me, since I've got to work on Saturday aswell. Never mind.

I can't believe it was nearly a week ago since I went down to Winchester for the weekend, and I haven't written about it!! What's wrong with me!!

Well, it was a brill weekend, meeting up with Alison and her husband Mike, I haven't seen them for nearly three years since their wedding, and they were surprisingly sane when I arrived. I thought it was a good time to visit, since they're expecting their first baby in April, and I didn't want to be around then!! (not that I'm anti-baby or anything!)

I've known Alison since Uni days, which seems a loooooooooong time ago now. It's actually 12 years since I went to Uni. TWELVE YEARS!!!!!!! Blimey, I feel old! That's a really depressing thought, my only consolation being that I still look old enough to just be going to Uni!! lol

Anyway...

Had a great weekend catching up, it still feels wierd to me to be visting friends, who are all married withkids/kids on the way. You kind of feel a bit left out in some ways, it's very strange. It's a different feeling to just lonliness, everyone gets that. It's more like a feeling of 'not fitting in', because society says you should have found someone by now, be having kids, etc. You kind of feel that there's something just that little bit strange/deviant about you, because your life hasn't fallen into that pattern.

lol listen to me, I sound like I'm 106!!

Well, I don't feel like this all the time, just sometimes. It's strange, because although my two (yes two!) separate engagements didn't work out and hurt me loads, looking back I can see that both I and them were different people, and although (in the most recent one) I was older, I don't think I'm that mature at times, so it's been good to learn from both heartbreaks.

However, it's gonna take some woman to make me propose to her in the future, I don't know even after 19 months of being single, if I can trust women really. This blog's probably making me sound like a right depressive, but I guess you're more introspective on these things, besides, if I was, would I have white an purple hair?! ;-)

hehe.

Other Issues related to Sven's....

As I'm in pondering mood, I've come across a few other issues similar to Sven's, to access his original post click on the title of this article, since I'm really truly pathetic at html...

Anyway, here is my list of issues:

1. If Vegetarians eat Vegetables, does that make Humanitarians Cannibals?
2. Why is it imperative according to the Guidelines, for me to be able to walk 100 metres unaided to get a drug I might need in the future because I will find difficulty walking? (honestly true!! lol)
3. Why can it take seconds to open your mouth, but years to mop up the consequences? (voice of experience there!)
4. Why do I start my Blog List with inspiration, but then mentally grind to a halt halfway through?

Hmmmmmmmmm.....

I'm sure there were loads more, but I've suddenly forgotten them all.

Damn.

Return Bar

No, I don't mean as in an alchoholic establishment where you can get re-fills....

I've just realised that my blog is not letting me put spaces in... Why is that???

(this line was on a different line when I typed it in 'compose', so what's going on????!)

I hope I get it figured out, 'cos it may seem unimportant to most people, but it's doing my head in!! Oh well....

Management gone mad....

I've decided that my boss has finally lost it completely...

The other day, I was told off, (which happens quite regularly to be honest!!) for leaving a piece of paper sticking out of the invoice box...

Apparently, the reason I was told off,was under 'Health & Safety Grounds', because someone could get a paper-cut, and if not treated, the worst case scenario is that it could get infected, and the infection could spread, and the result could be death.


I KID YOU NOT!!!

What is up with the world, I ask you????!

I must admit, I tried really hard not to laugh in my manager's face, (he doesn't take lightly to that, obviously)
but I had to disguise it as a cough, and run to the toilet, as I nearly very literally wet myself!!!

I realise with the 'claim culture' we're now brought up in, we have to think about things like Risk Assesments an stuff, but... come on!!!!

I'm sure Digbert would have some serious speeches to make over that incident, if he were a real person, lol

I think I must live in a dream world that one day I'm gonna wake up from....

Day Off!!

In case you hadn't guessed, it's my day off today, and I'm using the time to catch up on washing, and blogging. Quite alot has happenned this week, so a lot to tell you about, but all good things to those who wait...


(runs downstairs to put next wash in machine... very domestic, admit it, you're almost completely underwhelmed!!)

It's purple AND white!!!

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I have strange hair now!!! :-)

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