Wednesday, November 29, 2006


It's my day off today, and I was woken this morning by a text (I'm a light sleeper) from one of my colleagues who isn't coming in today because she's not well.

That means I've got to go in even though it's my day off, to cover lunches, as there's only two of them in now.

It's not my colleagues fault and I'm not annoyed with her, but I have a strange animosity towards the world today.

This week couldn't get any poo-er.


Tuesday, November 28, 2006


I hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate my job.

And very generally speaking, not being specific, I hate finicky christians who can't think for themselves when they're christmas shopping for their own relatives...


Tuesday, November 21, 2006

And The No. 1 Wierd Symptom Award Goes To...

'Facial Ticks'!

Yep, by that I don't mean strange veil looking insects crawling all over my face; (ewwwww) I mean muscle spasms in the left side of my face, the muscle group thats justunder your cheekbone, the one connected to the bottom of your nose and lip...

It's been driving me insane all day!!! It's not very noticeable thankfully, but it's been clenching and unclenching itself all day!!!

I am extremely irritable at the moment because of it.

I think I might go to bed now, get an early(ish!) nite. If it hasn't stopped by tommorrow, I may just saw my own head off in sheer frustration!!


Monday, November 20, 2006

Unexpected Visit... :-)

My little nephew Jacob came round tonight with his mummy and daddy!!

I'm so proud to be his uncle!


Sunday, November 19, 2006

A Time For Everything

I must be getting old.

I came home from a horrendous musical experience at church, (timing is not something our current drummer is always blessed with, and as the guitar player it usually falls to me to keep the rhythm, which would be fine except that even when I start songs, he doesn't listen to what I'm playing and just merrily carries on thumping away!) and decided that I felt a bit tired, as I have been feeling more and more over the last few weeks, so I decided to have a doze...

The doze turned into two hours of waaaaaay deep sleep, so deep that I woke up with a headache, realised I'd very attractively dribbled on my pillow, (!) and felt like someone had drugged me!! I must have really needed that sleep.

The reason I was so tired was because my brother (Peter) very kindly took me to see the new Bond film at the cinema. (Being as I am skint for the next year as I've determined to use ALL of my wage that is left over each month to get myself out of debt - that's another post for another time) I can only say one word to describe Casino Royale:


I really really enjoyed it, Daniel Craig, despite some criticism he's had about not looking the part did excellently. There is much more of a plot to the film, the cheesy evil villains and one liners are completely gone, and the action in the film is numerous, from death defying leaps, to heart-in-your-mouth car chases and crashes, to horrific torture! The new bond is much colder and more efficient, even though he's been re-invented to the status of a new agent. Even in the torture scene, they manage to make some of it funny without being cheesy, and I really liked the fact that in this one, Bond even at some points is dependant on other characters.

The only problem was that we went to the 10:10 showing, which combined with 25 mins of adverts at the beginning, (I kid you not!!) made us leave the cinema at 1 am, much later than I'd anticipated!! Hence the tiredness today. I'm playing again tonight at church, so will be heading off soon-ish so I can get there early and tune up. (I was a tad out this morning, none of the congregation would notice, but I'm a perfectionist briefly when it comes to being in tune)

I'm a bit frustrated at church at the moment. The sermon this morning was about joy, and I've never seen such a bunch of miserable people in my life that were sitting there this morning!! Oh well, I suppose I'm part of it too.

Right, have to go, will post again later I'm sure...

Saturday, November 18, 2006

The Cradle & The Credit Card..

They both represent a Kingdom.

One is the Kingdom of money, commerce, retail, budgets, profit, finance, and consuming.

One is the Kingdom of service, sacrifice, love and giving.

As the shop gets busier, and I find life getting more manic by the day in the build up to Christmas, I wonder every year which Kingdom exactly we're representing. Something knaws at me deep inside year after year that this isn't the way to celebrate Jesus' birth. If you're a Jesus follower, Christmas has to be about Him and not what you're buying, but we get so, so caught up in it. Not just that, but I as a shop-worker am actively promoting the idea that Christmas is about buying presents for people, with the offers I put on, the special discounts I make, the scanning through budgets and forecasting I do.

I was listening yesterday to a Pastor who has decided that he and his church are not going mad this year; they're only buying presents for people they're close to, and they're buying presents that will encourage time spent with each other in community. The presents they buy wont encourage their kids to go off on their own for hours, but will be chosen thoughtfully and carefully, almost being aware that what they buy and give is because of what Jesus did in coming into this world.

They've covenanted with each other that they won't spend as much as last year, that none of them will go into debt to buy presents, and that the money they normally would have spent, and they will no doubt save this year, they are donating into a fund with four other churches in the area to go directly to building wells in Africa for people who need clean drinking water.

If I'm honest I love the build-up to Christmas as I'm an old romantic, I love the carols, the christmas songs, the cold nights, the candles, being with family, the whole shebang... But very little of it has to do with the birth of a middle-eastern refugee baby born two thousand years ago. Maybe that's because to celebrate all those things rather than the call this baby has on my life, the way he wants me to live now, is easier to ignore. Maybe Jesus and His call is too radical for me, maybe he asks too much, and it's easier to bury myself in lists of things to buy, to consume for myself and my little circle, rather than think of the God who had everything but became nothing for me.

I'm not trying to be a party pooper, or super spiritual, but really, seriously, think for a minute...

Did God come into our world so that we could spend stupid amounts of money once a year on ourselves and our family?

Surely He came to make a difference to people's lives, to give them that most precious of commodities that can't be bought: Hope.

So why don't I?


Thursday, November 16, 2006


I'm back to work.

I wish I wasn't.

That's it really.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

NO Work Today...

Following my day off yesterday, this morning's alarm was promptly switched off and a decision was swiftly made as I struggled to get out from under the duvet and pain started down my arms and legs.

Today was NOT going to be a work day. So, this being the age of technology, I texted one of my co-workers to say I wouldn't be in today and what exactly to put on the sickness form. At other times, I've struggled in to work anyway, but today I just couldn't face a day of standing up all day in the shop, so decided to conserve my energy for one more day before heading back to the grind tommorrow.

I informed my boss (who's in head office today) and also told him I would be back in tommorrow, just so he wouldn't get paranoid that I'd be off for the week. (you never know the thoughts that go through your Boss's head). I figured it was ok not to be in today, since there were two other experenced staff in, and wednesdays aren't usually too busy. Grrrr I'm still self-justifying myself again. I've gotta stop this. Anyway, most of today has been spent reading, as I find that the most relaxing thing for me to do. No plans as usual tonight, tommorrow I'm going to a meeting at my dad's church, as the chinese fellowship that uses their building wants to plan the carol service, and my Dad wants me to take part. Should be interesting.

Friday night I'm hoping to visit my brother and his family, and my new nephew who is now, I think 8 weeks old? I'm meant to be leading worship on sunday morning, so in faith, (ha!) I've sent an email to our Pastor asking if he knows what the theme is so I can pick songs early. If he knows a theme, I'll be stunned lol That should be interesting since I haven't lead for over a year, since I pulled out for lack of energy and motivation reasons... We'll have to wait and see how it goes, to see whether I go back to it.

Well, that's my uninteresting life so far, gonna go and watch a dvd now, I finally found a hmv gift card that my colleagues got me for my birthday in the summer, (!) and got a great deal on four dvds for £20, The Machinist, Troy, Schindler's List, and Goodfellas.

I think I will have to see if I can get that deal for Christmas pressies, though I don't have any money till my wages go in on the 28th... Ah well.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Pics Of Our Team's Work!!

The photo's look dark but I forgot my automatic flash was on, on the camera, really it was well-lighted!!

How To Put A Temporary Shop/Bookstall Up... Volume One!

  1. Make sure you're there at an hour of the day that you weren't aware existed in a morning, to meet the truck carrying the stock and shelving.
  2. Start helping the lorry driver unload the nine pallets of stock and equipment off the truck with two other people.
  3. Place said pallets at the entrance to the hall where the bookstall/shop is to be located.
  4. Search for the box thingies with wheels (technical term!) so you can unload pallets safely and transport boxes efficiently to the right product area of the shop.
  5. Locate the box thingies with wheels on top of one of the pallets, sealed with cling film so you have to unpack a pallet to get at them.
  6. Wonder at the stupidity of warehouse pallet packers.
  7. Set up tables in the different product areas of the "shop" and also put together the shelving piece by piece along the left hand side wall for bestsellers and recommended titles and featured speakers. Make sure you note down that the warehouse have sent too many actual shelves, and not enough supporting beams and cross pieces. Again wonder at the incompetence of some people and shrug violently in an italian fashion, as there's nothing you can do about it now.
  8. Make sure all empty pallets are removed to the storage room and stacked neatly.
  9. Run round the tables already set up, placing a label with each product invoice number on it, so people know where to take each relevant box to. Make sure before you do that, that each table is covered with a large tablecloth.
  10. Proceed unpacking the pallets with the seven other people that have now arrived.
  11. Seeing that they have arrived and are getting on setting up their delegated areas, make sure the original three of you get a break and go and get some breakfast, which MUST contain a barm filled with AT LEAST as much bacon, egg and mushrooms as you can fit in it.
  12. Eat said barm full of cooked breakfast goodness as smugly and noisily as possible in front of the other workers, remindng them that they weren't here at an unearthly hour of the morning to unpack the lorry.
  13. Proceed to drink coffee, and then once finished, get back to work, specifically setting up the till areas and the credit card machines, which will involve locating the two phone line sockets, and very lengthy mobile phone conversations with the credit card machine suppliers to make sure they are set up on the correct line and are ready to poll over night and download all the correct hot card security information.
  14. After 40 minute phonecall to credit card machine setup line, thank the Lord that you don't have to do this everyday.
  15. Proceed in setting up the three tills and find that one of them is so old it adds the number three digit to every transaction when you tap it acceidentally. Also discover that one of the other tills is missing a thread for the journal roll to weave round. Notice also that there are no thermal rolls for the credit card machines packed in the box from accounts.
  16. Thank the Lord that you and your boss had the foresight to bring thermal rolls from your shop "just in case", and proceed to insert them.
  17. Ring the shops' Events Manager and point out all the things that are missing that should be there at the event. This may take a while. Always be polite, keeping in mind he isn't the one who actually packed the pallets.
  18. Finish till area setup and see that all your other colleagues are gtting on with their areas very nicely.
  19. Decide to stop for a brief lunch. Along with your boss, cleverly bargain with your seven other colleagues that if they agree to only stop for fifteen mins, you can let them go earlier as the shop will be set up earlier if they keep working.
  20. Stuff sandwhiches down ur gob and crisps, and sit down for ten minutes and then start again.
  21. Tidy up all the packaging material and flatten boxes to be used later at packdown on Sunday. Remove to the storage room, or under tables.
  22. Leave staff to get on with putting product on shelves, as it is all mainly priced up now. Curse the warehouse for leaving product unpriced.
  23. At 3-30, stop workers for a drink break, and scan area for Health & Safety restrictions. Breathe a sigh of relief as you remember you'd already automatically removed anything remotely dangerous to the public or staff to trip over or stumble on.
  24. Prepare the shop to be opened and get all staff to check all product on offer is stickered up with the relevant stickers.
  25. It is now 4:00pm. Open shop and send volunteers home to leave just the three of you!!
  26. Collapse behind the till area and thank God this only happens once a year!


Ahhhhh.... peace!!

It's my day off, and it's now 1:20 pm and I've had a relaxing morning and am feeling much better.

I've completed my DLA (Disability Living Allowance) form online, and after my parents have looked over it tonight, I will submit it into the DWP (Department of Work and Pensions).

Wow, was that an ordeal!! Lol! Pages and pages of sentences and scenarios that have to be read very carefully and answered that way too!! I just want my parents to look over it to check that I'm not saying anything I shouldn't, e.g. exaggerating my condition, claiming for things I shouldn't. Ok, ok I know there are thousands of people who do cheat the benefits system here in the UK, but I don't want to be one of them. I'm not looking for vast sums of money, all I want is a small sum of extra money each month so instead of walking to the train station to get to work, on days when I'm tired I can have the choice of getting a taxi in. That's all.

I know I'm nowhere near as bad as some people are with m.s, and my symptoms are mild compared to some people's, but if I am elligble for something, then it would help to get it. I'm laughing to myself as I'm typing this, because having just read over what I've written, I sound like I'm trying to justify myself. Well... maybe I am. I still feel a bit guilty about vlaiming for this, and I'm not expecting to get the high or middle rate of benefit, but any extra money to give me some extra options each month would be great.

I was meant to be going to a meeting at church last night, but I decided to leave it, and stay in and watch a dvd with mum and dad. We opted for the Davinci Code, and thoruoghly enjoyed it, despite some of the obvious flaws in Dan's arguments!! What a great storyline and a brilliant imagination!! I was impressed with the way the film ended, where faith was something even one of the cynical central characters had, right to the end.

I think I'm gonna have to get some of his books. One of my colleagues is reading Angels & Demons at the moment and is raving about it non-stop, so I think I am encouraged that it'll be a great escape read. Not one of the lasting classics perhaps, but a good thriller read. (lol not that I'm great with the classics anyway, I've been struggling to get through the old language version of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein for about 6 months lol)

Ah well, I'll never be an academic, or english major!

Today I shall read I think, I'll blog about the current book I'm reading in another post, it'll come as no surprise that it's a theological book!!

Anyway, off for lunch, I mite post again later...

Monday, November 13, 2006

I know it's my own fault, but...

Well, the weekend's over.

And boy, can I tell!!

After working seven full days on the run, I'm more than ready for a day off tommorrow. Today I experienced the "I'm back baby!" symptoms that usually tell me I've done too much:

  • the excruciating stabbing neural pain down my left arm and leg, so bad that it makes me inhale sharply
  • my left leg feeling very weak and like a lead weight, making walking interesting and very very slow, feeling as if I can't put any weight on it because it will crumble like a feather
  • a general lethargy and tiredness that seems to wrap itself around me like a cloak, both physically and mentally
  • my eyesight going blurred, forcing me to squint at objects to make them stay in focus
  • A general feeling of unese and nervous energy that has me on edge all day

So, not that bad compared with wheelchairs and disability in limbs, I agree, but quite hard to cope with when you're in work, and off to the bank carrying a rucksack full of £600 worth of small change in coins on your back.

That walk to the bank today was the longest of my life.

I swear I thought I was never gonna get there, and twice I felt very bitter at my Boss for sending me, but to be honest, it was my fault. I don't tell people generally when I'm not feeling well, because so often it's symptoms that people don't understand, and sometimes even find ridiculous to believe.

I'll give you an example:

A couple of weeks ago, I kept losing things I had put down five minutes before, and getting really confused. It was really frustrating me, and I thought at one point I was going insane, leaving things in places where they shouldn't have been and having totally "blank" episodes where I copuldn't remember what I was doing a few seconds before.

It all became clear to me later on that day, when I started having muscle spams in my legs, and getting dizzy. I brightened up with a smile and said "it's ok, because my leg is acting up, I know the confusion was probably just the beginning of an episode that ended with my leg". My boss actually turned round and started laughing at me. He thought it ridiculous that I made a link between being confused and stressed and frustrated, and then my muscle spasms.

This is what I have to deal with. People don't always take my ms seriously, and i honestly feel sometimes it's an uphill battle at my work to get them to recognize it for what it is. You see, I've been working there for eight years, and I was there five when I was diagnosed, so in their eyes, I started the job and I was fine, and then I suddenly had ms. I'm sure that's not quite how it works, and if I look back, there were signs early on, but they can't see that.

It frustrates me sometimes, that when I work hard like I have this weekend, I'm the one who suffers afterwards. Yes they're tired too, but they don't have to deal with all the other symptoms apart from tiredness and fatigue. If they've worked seven days without a break, they rest for a day and they're ok; when I do, it knocks me out for the whole week afterwards, and I'm still getting pain in my hands and legs two weeks after.

It's just so hard to get people to recognize when you're not well, because they knew you "when you were normal".

And by the way people, can I just say while I'm on the subject, tiredness IS NOT the same as fatigue. Fatigue eats away at your energy levels, and xcan stretch out for hours,days, and even weeks. It's not something an early night can cure, or just chilling out either. It's as much mental, as it is physical too. When i get fatigued, I can barely think straight, let along move, and motivation levels reach minus figures. Fatigue is not the same as tiredness, it's alot heavier.

Anyway, that's my moan over as the pain in my hands is starting again...

My apologies for going on, the next post will be more positive I promise.

P.S, About Tom....

It was meant to be sarcastic, but I think my creative wit went a bit too far and that was all lost on people....

For those who don't know, when you get a myspace account, you automatically have someone added to your "friends" account called tom. (He's the creator of myspace I think)

Anyway, sorry for all those who thought he was a "real" person, I was trying to be witty, but obviously abysmally failed... ;)

Thursday, November 09, 2006

The Night Before The Day After The Week Ahead...

Ok, so I didn't get the title rght.

Bite me!

Anyway, a quick update to say all is well in the land of Jm, I'm happily but slowly progressing with my dla form, and have been preparing for the bookstall at which I'm working at all weekend, and have just been out for a curry at Wetherspoons...

All is well, you may now all relax.

I also listened in amazement to a recording of my sister, who appeared today on our local radio station singing two of her songs and giving an interview!!!

I knew nothing about it, she didn't tell me, and was totally shocked!! There's something really wierd and surprising and exciting about hearing your sister speaking to the DJ you hear coming out of your own speakers on your radio!! She did really well, and the DJ was truly impressed with her songs, he commented that he liked one of them so much he thought she should try and get a record deal. :-)

It was a nice surprise to come home to after work!!

I'm really proud of her, she's got an amazing voice, and I have to sometimes pinch myself when I realise we're related, lol.

Anyway, I won't be updating till Sunday, as I'll be away working all weekend, hope everyone has a nice weekend in the blogosphere!!

Not only that, I got some jeans that are brand new but have been sitting in my wardrobe for three years, (I kid you not!!) altered today, so I'm wearing new jeans to work in this weekend, and they're the first new jeans I've had for three years!!! Woohoooo!!!!

(I'm easily pleased I know lol)

Anyway, I shall be sad and take my camera with me, and post pictures when I get back!!

Bye for now!!


Tuesday, November 07, 2006

"Dear Tom..."

Tom, I'm sorry to do this...

We have to break up.

You've pushed things too far lately, and I can't deal with it anymore.

First it started with you claiming to be my friend when I'd never met you in my life, and then you kept sending me messages that were friendly when I don't know you from Adam, and we've never actually spoken.

Look, friendship has to be shared ok? If you want to be my friend, that's cool, but we have to do something, like go for a pizza or go to see a film, or go bowling, or chat to the early hours of the morning about deep stuff, or laugh together, or chat for hours about anything...

At least do something!!

That's what I do with my other friends.

So, I'm sorry, unless you can do one of these simple little things, I can't bring myself to be your friend.

I'm sorry, I know it's harsh and shows my hard, unfeeling side, but it's for the best.


You'll thank me one day.

Your Non-Friend;


(p.s. I really don't want to vote in America, I barely do it in my own country)

Saturday, November 04, 2006


It's been a longggggggg week.

I feel like I should get a medal for getting through this week, though what I achieved in terms of results or tasks completed is not really that much more than an average week.

It's just felt alot harder to do this week.

Stretching ahead of me in a yawning threatening way, (much like my mouth at the moment) is another very busy week, with a major Conference all next weekend to work at. Part of me is looking forward to it, as there's a great comradery between the staff when we do an event like this, and you always feel you've gotten to know people better when you've eaten with them and slept in the same accomadation as them. The other part of me is dreading the long hours on the bookstall, though as long as I take it easy this next week, I should be ok for it.

So, tommorrow is a chance to relax and recharge before the coming week assaults my senses once again in a blinding flurry of activity. Every Sunday should be like that I guess. (No, not a flurry of activity; I meant the recharging thing)

Today was fairly busy in the shop, but to be honest I didn't make much of an effort, I was too tired and unmotivated. Tonight I shall relax, and maybe blog a bit more and watch tv and listen to music; not world shattering events generally, but piecing-together activities for me as I ready myself to join with other people in re-connecting and recharging with God tommorrow.

Hoping that you get chance to do that to, whoever you are.

Friday, November 03, 2006

WARNING: Sloppy/Cheesy Post: I'm Becoming Domestic...

It's my day off, I was fed up, but have found the perfect remedy!!

I've just cleaned down all the worktops in the kitchen, scrubbed them, disinfected them, cleaned them with anti-bacterial cleaner, washed them again, unloaded the dishwasher, put stuff away and then cleaned the oven top with special hob cleaner.

It works wonders!!

I now feel like I've actually done something worthwhile today, and the kitchen is sparkling!!

I'm now gonna go and put some more washing on, and go and see if I can get it dried before going to my brothers tonight with Mum and Dad to babysit!!

All this because Mum and I had an emotional moment earlier on, when she talked about when we were little and I felt guilty about not doing enough round the house lol. She's been cleaning the bathroom today, and I was making her lot's of cups of coffee and chatting before I got stuck in to cleaning myself!!

It's been a good day, I don't soend enough time talking to my parents, and enjoying the relationship we have now that I'm older.

I love my mum, I don't say it or demonstrate it enough.


Ok so I've answered my own question.

I went on the uk Multiple Sclerosis Society homepage, and found a section about emotional symptoms of m.s.

This seems to fit what I'm experiencing at the moment. I'm not a doctor so I could be wrong, but I think I might make an appointment to try and discuss it.

Guess I'd better avoid the chick flicks for a while!

At least I know I'm not going insane, last Saturday I went to see Click with Richard, and had to pull myself in hard emotionally before I became a wreck!! Part of the film is moving, but I could feel myself beginning to sob openly in the cinema, and it was way embarrassing and totally over the top compared to the actual content of the film!!

Oh well, we'll see what the "experts" have to say...

Maybe I'm just a big girl's blouse!!!

Rants & Questions...

I'm a bit fed up today.

It's my day off and I have no money to do anything or go anywhere, and my trip to the C.A.B. this morning was a complete waste of time. I got there early, and was told that "only people with appointments can be seen today". It didn't say that on their website, which really pee'd me off. So, I still have these forms and I still have to wait.

This is the third time I've been to try and get help filling in these forms, and the third time I've been turned away. I'm starting to get a little peeved. How am I supposed to claim for benefit when I don't understand the gibberish that it's written in, and how they want it phrased?

I'm gonna go back on Monday because I have another day off then because I'm working all of next weekend. Apparently Monday is a drop-in day, so if I'm prepared to get there early and sit around I can see someone then.

Anyone who knows anything about m.s. can I ask a question?

This may sound stupid, but bear with me. I know about physical symptoms, and I know about cognitive symtoms in m.s, but has anyone heard of emotional symptoms? Only reason I'm asking is because I have become a lot more emotional lately, and I have literally been ready to burst into tears at the slightest thing, which is not really like me. I have just about managed to control it, but I've had really strange moments over the past year where I've been welling up over the most stupid of things.

I know for the ladies you can have the time of the month to effect ur emotional state via hormones, but is there a connection in m.s. between the disease and emotional states?

If I'm being stupid thinking this, please be blunt, I'm not normally one of those people that sees a symptom over every little cold...

Can someone help me out here?


I've got another water infection.

I get them on a regular basis, about every 5 weeks or so, and it looks like another one has come round....


It feels like I'm trying to pee razor blades at the moment.

It'll be back to the docs for some more antibiotics and the usual drink plenty of water and cranberry juice.

Also I was slurring some of my words today, and three times I forgot what i was doing and went completely blank, no recall, nothing. I had to stand there looking stupid until I'd figured out what I'd been doing the previous couple of seconds beforehand by trying to find clues.

These are all very minor symptoms, but theyre a warning that I've pushed myself a bit too much this week, and that I need to slow down a bit. It's only when I'm tired that I tend to get the really annoying ones, like sudden pain right down my legs an arms, and numbness and pins and needles so bad that I can't stand up and support my weight on my legs, or even grip a cup in my hand. The muscle spasms in my legs are the worst, I've never been much of a dancer, but boy do those feet an legs move when that starts!! Lol.

I'm so glad it's my day off tommorrow....


Thursday, November 02, 2006

Stress Reducer...

Can I reccomend listening to Handel's Messiah at a fairly loud volume with a fresh cappuchino?

It works wonders.

I got most of my work done, only the actual Branch Sales Report to type up now and send to my boss on Monday, so I'll do that tommorrow on my day off. (I brought home all the paperwork and statistics, but it's fairly easy and only takes about 40 mins to do).

I've got a fairly busy day tommorrow, it's my day off but I've finally got around (after three years of denial lol) to getting a Disability Living Allowance claim form. My m.s. isn't too bad at the moment, but I have definitely noticed a slight deterioration in my health from 3 years ago, so am trying to be realistic and get on the benefits ladder now so that it'll be easier later on.

I've struggled a bit with it in my mind, because I know I'm not as bad as some people are; I've still got a full time job at the moment and am not in a wheelchair and can still walk basically fine, in fact if you saw me in the street you probably wouldn't guess I have m.s, but it's when I overdo it I get symptoms, and when I'm really tired I get muscle spasms and limp slightly and all sorts of other not very nice things!!

I do feel a bit guilty about putting a claim in, but my parents have told me I should investigate whether Im entitled to anything, and because I'm on a very low paid job I could do with the extra money to be honest!!

I've never been one to sack off work or be a blagger, so it makes me feel a bit guilty to be claiming at all, but I guess there's a lot of people who claim it that shouldn't.

I'm going to the Citizen's Advice Bureau tommorrow morning to see if they can help me fill it in, how I should word it, etc as I haven't really got a clue and it's a bit daunting!!

I'll let you know how I get on and whether I managed to fill the form in at all lol

Well that's enough of my incredibly exciting life for now; (lol)

Be blessed!

Something to ponder...

God uses Love to work through, not Force.

So as disciples, we should be working through the power of love, not the love of power.

It's not about forcing people into anything, it's about loving them, 'cos God treats us like that.


The Power Of Love, that reminds me of a Huey lewis & The News song lol

How To Raise Your Heartrate In One Morning...

Excuse me a moment...


Aaaah... that's better.

I am sooooo stressed at the moment, it's just untrue.

So many demands on my time and energy in work, and so much re-prioritizing as new requests from Accounts, I.T, my staff, and customers come in. I've been doing this job for nearly nine years now, and I don't remember many times ever as being this pressured.

This morning I had countless emails back and forth from accounts trying to sort out formulae in an excel spreadsheet version of the cashing up forms we use. It's a new system only introduced yesterday, and there were a few errors. the countless frustration of back and forth, filling in figures then sending back again until we get a result is really frustrating.

This is interupting the task I already had for today which was to finish off all the month end accounts that I do each month. I started the process on Tuesday, and have still not finished yet!!

On top of that, I had requests from I.T. asking all shops to reply to a p.c. audit that has to be done today as a deadline, and also to install some new software that again has to be done today! I'm trying to find extra volunteers for a bookstall at a conference all next weekend, and I have a list of customer orders that need researching, plus a list of tasks my boss left me to complete by the end of this week!! (he's on holiday using up leave he hasn't been able to take until now) The problem is, it's my day off tommorrow, and although I'm in on Saturday, that tends to be our busiest day, so I'm ending up pushing myself today to get all these tasks done so that I can have a breather tommorrow...

I hope there's more to life than this, I really do.

My stress levels are actually presenting themselves physically in terms of minor symptoms, (for those who don't know, M.S. as a disease tends to not cope well with stress) but I can't relax, I have to get these tasks done! Technically it's my lunch hour now, but I've forced myself to sit down at the computer and journal this to do something different.

I'm off to listen to my ipod for half an hour, for those of you who do, please pray that I will get everything done today and not be too ill as a result of all this stress.


Wednesday, November 01, 2006


It's always meant to be a good thing:

  • it's the virtue that drove the common people from farming to the mills in the Industrial Revolution
  • it inspired Newton and Galileo to look beyond the Church's narrow definition of a flat earth ruled by God in a hierarchical system bound by rules
  • it always results in change
  • it tries to be forward looking as an attitude

Today in our generation it seems that progress is a good word, one that conjures up positive responses and attitudes from people. As soon as the temptation to look at "the good old days" rears its head, this little word is thrown in and all plaintive cries are extinguished. It's the reason we are where we are now we hear.

Well, how about in a different context?

  • to the cancer sufferer it means more treatments and possibly fatal news
  • to the ms sufferer it means another level of coping with limits
  • to the third world mother, it means someone else thousands of miles away eats while her children starve

It's funny because today we attribute generally good qualities with this word, but to me it's not that simple. Life isn't about progressing very often, sometimes it's about survival and holding on, and the type of people who talk about progress usually are searching for something.

The irony is that nine times out of ten what they're searching for is not something that is constantly in flux, no, that would be awful. That would be like trying to grab hold of sand and feeling it drain through your fingers.

They're looking for something to depend upon. Something to be stable enough to rely on and have certainty, yet still have that freshness that comes with the "newness" of a thing.

The Bible talks about Jesus being the same "yesterday, today and forever", and for me that's the reason why following Him is so attractive. He is with us in our past, our present and our future. Because of this, he can work in our past to bring good in the present, that will ultimately make us better people in the future. And he sees it all, both what we were, what we are, and what we will become, so He has a whole perspective of us as a person that we could never have.

He doesn't judge us for how we were, because he see what we are now. He doesn't judge us for how we are now, because He sees what we will be. He sees what we will become, and He knows what has happenned to make us that way.

Once you grasp such an idea, it's hard not to be grateful. When God judges, He is fair, because He has the ultimate perspective, and we don't. We rush to judge, and decide, but God doesn't. He is patient, and takes everything into account because He sees it all. Maybe we should remember that more often.

Is progress a good thing?

Maybe. Maybe not.

One thing I know, to God it's an opportunity to move our future a bit closer to us.