I know it's my own fault, but...

Well, the weekend's over.

And boy, can I tell!!

After working seven full days on the run, I'm more than ready for a day off tommorrow. Today I experienced the "I'm back baby!" symptoms that usually tell me I've done too much:

• the excruciating stabbing neural pain down my left arm and leg, so bad that it makes me inhale sharply
• my left leg feeling very weak and like a lead weight, making walking interesting and very very slow, feeling as if I can't put any weight on it because it will crumble like a feather
• a general lethargy and tiredness that seems to wrap itself around me like a cloak, both physically and mentally
• my eyesight going blurred, forcing me to squint at objects to make them stay in focus
• A general feeling of unese and nervous energy that has me on edge all day

So, not that bad compared with wheelchairs and disability in limbs, I agree, but quite hard to cope with when you're in work, and off to the bank carrying a rucksack full of £600 worth of small change in coins on your back.

That walk to the bank today was the longest of my life.

I swear I thought I was never gonna get there, and twice I felt very bitter at my Boss for sending me, but to be honest, it was my fault. I don't tell people generally when I'm not feeling well, because so often it's symptoms that people don't understand, and sometimes even find ridiculous to believe.

I'll give you an example:

A couple of weeks ago, I kept losing things I had put down five minutes before, and getting really confused. It was really frustrating me, and I thought at one point I was going insane, leaving things in places where they shouldn't have been and having totally "blank" episodes where I copuldn't remember what I was doing a few seconds before.

It all became clear to me later on that day, when I started having muscle spams in my legs, and getting dizzy. I brightened up with a smile and said "it's ok, because my leg is acting up, I know the confusion was probably just the beginning of an episode that ended with my leg". My boss actually turned round and started laughing at me. He thought it ridiculous that I made a link between being confused and stressed and frustrated, and then my muscle spasms.

This is what I have to deal with. People don't always take my ms seriously, and i honestly feel sometimes it's an uphill battle at my work to get them to recognize it for what it is. You see, I've been working there for eight years, and I was there five when I was diagnosed, so in their eyes, I started the job and I was fine, and then I suddenly had ms. I'm sure that's not quite how it works, and if I look back, there were signs early on, but they can't see that.

It frustrates me sometimes, that when I work hard like I have this weekend, I'm the one who suffers afterwards. Yes they're tired too, but they don't have to deal with all the other symptoms apart from tiredness and fatigue. If they've worked seven days without a break, they rest for a day and they're ok; when I do, it knocks me out for the whole week afterwards, and I'm still getting pain in my hands and legs two weeks after.

It's just so hard to get people to recognize when you're not well, because they knew you "when you were normal".

And by the way people, can I just say while I'm on the subject, tiredness IS NOT the same as fatigue. Fatigue eats away at your energy levels, and xcan stretch out for hours,days, and even weeks. It's not something an early night can cure, or just chilling out either. It's as much mental, as it is physical too. When i get fatigued, I can barely think straight, let along move, and motivation levels reach minus figures. Fatigue is not the same as tiredness, it's alot heavier.

Anyway, that's my moan over as the pain in my hands is starting again...

My apologies for going on, the next post will be more positive I promise.