Letting Go...

It's been quite a momentous week emotionally for me so far, and it's only just started!!

The two people I count as my closest friends in the world, are moving to Cape Town, South Africa on Friday. I've known them for a long time, I practically grew up with them, and they've been there for me through two broken engagements, and the resulting broken heart's, and my diagnosis with M.S. I don't honestly deserve such great friends, and I'm going to find it incredibly hard to let them go. I'm partly glad that I can't get the day off, as I'd be an even bigger mess of tears if I had to wave them off at the airport.

I feel very strange, because I have a building "upsetness" that started today, counting down to the day I know they'll be going... At quiet moments during the day today, I've found myself thinking about them and how kind and generous they've been to me, and getting upset, almost feeling a tide of emotion beneath the surface that I have to control, otherwise I'll start crying and never stop.

Added to this, I made the momentous decision to start a drug treatment for my M.S. I've been on a trial, and apart from taking a few drugs to control the symptoms, I've not actually had any disease modifying drugs at all since I was diagnosed 19 months ago. What made up my mind was the fact of thinking about this silent disease, that is slowly scarring my brain and spinal chord, even in the times that I feel fine, damaging nerve cells that may not recover. In a way, it's like admitting I can't fight it on my own, I need to recognize this disease might get worse, and taking steps to avoid the worst consequences later on., is a good decision.

I've been trying to put the M.S. to the back of my mind, pretending it's not there, but recent symptoms and a small relapse, have convinced me otherwise. So, this week has been a step in acknowledging this is a disease I'll have to live with, no matter what the consequences.

Having your heart broken deeply is a very painful thing, it's happened to me twice, and this week it's happening again, but in a different way. Learning that life is a series of stages of "letting go" is a very hard thing to come to terms with, and one I don't relish, but still bittersweet. It's hard to say goodbye to intimate face to face friendships, but joyful in that they're moving to a new time in their lives, as I am in a way with the drug treatment.

Life I think is a series of "letting go's", and it's important how we do it. To resist change, is even more painful, but to welcome it and look for fresh challenges and inspiration is what God calls us to. In some ways, my life with God and others has been like a journey, with God leading the way, sometimes clearly, sometimes hidden, but always there.

All in all, a very emotional week, I don't know if I'll be able to write anything on Friday...

I'm glad I have Jesus, He keeps me open to change, and gives me the strength to cope.

Goodnite.