Leaving & Losing?!

It's 1:44 pm on Friday afternoon, and I'm sitting here pondering my faith. Strangely enough, it's not my trust in God I'm doubting/struggling with, but my faith in other people's presentation of Him...

I sat in church this morning in our Good Friday service and listened to a sermon, all of which I essentially agreed with, but the way it was presented and taught I struggled with.

I've been brought up in a Baptist church all my life, and I would say that I'm a Christian with baptist tendencies, and am proud of that, but over the last two years I've become a bit uncomfortable with the "delivery" of the message by some people.

It's a subject I struggle with, because I'm not claiming to be any sort of a preacher or teacher, but I've found myself regularly sitting in church now thinking "what would someone of no/an alternative faith make of this message?" and the answer I got back in my ponderings has disturbed me. Whenever I hear people preach at the moment, there seems to be an almost "ranting" quality in their voice, as if they're trying to whip ur agreement to what they're saying, or as if being a Christian is about living certain principles out and assenting to a list of doctrines and making a distinction between "us" and "them".

I wonder regularly what Jesus in the flesh would make of my church's service if he turned up. A rough-looking man with a middle-eastern accent sitting at the back of the church. Hmmmm... That would raise a few eyebrows I'm sure.

Yet, I'm not slagging off my church, they're a lovely bunch of kind-hearted people and I'd not be the person I am today without the investment of their lives in mine. It's just that I don't think I would call myself a fundamentalist anymore, and I'm struggling with how to express that to others.

I don't think that preaching has to be about convincing others of an argument, I think it should be about trying to bring people to a place where they think about whether God is/can be/should be a part of their lives.

For me, being a Christian is now about knowing a Person, not agreeing to a set of principles, and for many people in my church that seems (?) to be antagonistic. It's not that they don't love Jesus, it's just that they're so caught up in talking about Him, that they've forgotten what it is to spend time with Him. (wow that sounds harsh!)

What I mean is that I spend time with jesus in every moment, I know that will sound wierd to some people, but I don't have to do something religious to be around Him. I can chat to Him when I'm having a meal on my own, (ok in my own thoughts, otherwise I'd look really wierd lol) and at times when I'm sitting on a beach on my own I talk to Him out loud. Yes it's true I don't spend as much time with Him as He deserves, but I don'y see that I "have" to spend a certain amount of time with Him each day, because when in real life do you do that with people?

I mean seriously, do you sit down with your best friend/parent/partner/sibling and say "right, at precisely eight o'clock this morning I'm going to spend 30 mins talking to you, and then I'll have to go, until I see you tonight for ten before I go to sleep". I mean come on, unless you're a control freak, or have a seriously busy life, you just don't live like that. So why do we feel the need to as Christians? After 23 years on this "Fundamentalist Christian" bus, I feel the need to get off.

My problem is, what do I do? I just don't see things the way some of my friends and family do, but theres no point in leaving my church, because the people there really do love Jesus, I'm not arrogant enough to say they don't... we just have differing opinions, and see Him differently.

I just don't know what to do. I don't believe the point of being a Christian is converting people to an idea, or even a message, as one writer I read once said when he was talking about Jesus.. "I just make the introductions, the rest is up to Him". I honestly don't feel the need to force or cajole people into an opinion, or bring them to "a point", you don't do that when introducing the love of your life to your friends, so why do it with Jesus?

Maybe I'm just the heretic, though I don't feel like I am. I just want to live my life simply, and introduce people as and when, not forced into feeling guilty because I haven't "evangelised" anyone yet this week.

Another thing, why is so much of the language we use in our churches designed to separate "us" from "them"? I mean, we're all human beings arent we? You wouldn't be at a party with a group of friends and say "oh we can't talk to you, because you haven't met Nigel yet, you're different to us because you're Non-Nigels".

When you put it like that, it does sound kinda silly doesn't it? Or is that just me? Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying there's no difference between people who've met Jesus and people who haven't, but in a way I am. I just think that applying labels all the time isn't always helpful, because what it does do is make the people who "own" the label feel superior.

Yes, I have been brought up in the Christian faith, but I evntually chose jesus for myself, because I've met Him and He's the most unique wonderful person I know. That's it. No extra requirements, no fluffly doctrines, no religious jargon.

*sigh* I wish Christians would just be honest and open and transparent and not claim to have all the answers, but to just say what they know, that they've met Jesus and knowing Him is the greatest thing ever. Don't complicate it, don't "sex it up" or "spin" it, just say it, plain and simple.

I think too much, I've decided!