The Real Me...

08 August 2004
Time: 19:28:00 o'clock BST
Author: happyhobbit29
Mood: Quiet
Music: Eric Nordoff - Offerings


I don't really know who I am. It's a wierd thought, but i really don't. Lately I've been wanting to withdraw from people, for some reason preferring my own company even though it makes me feel lonely. I think I prefer the lonliness rather than the thought of connecting with people, and having to open up... I think?!

I used to define myself by who I loved and what I did, but now that that person has gone out of my life, and my job isn't really that important to me anymore, I don't know who I am. Surely we should know that?! I wonder whether there's something wrong with me? (apart from the MS, I know that one already)

How do we define ourselves as people? It can't be by what we do, because situations can change, circumstances can change. It can't be by who we love, because love is quite a fickle thing, and even the strongest love breaks down sometimes... How then do I know who I am?

I haven't got a clue.

I sometimes feel like I'm just a spectator in my own life, watching a person with my name and my body do things, but not actually being involved, REALLY involved myself. Like the real me is trapped and can't get out somehow. Is that depression? I don't know. I don't feel depressed particularly, more like empty and numb.

Yet I know God loves me, and not only know, I experience His Love. I just don't understand it, am I meant to feel like this?! Am I going mad, am I becoming mentally ill? I just don't know.

Was meant to be going to play in church tonight, but just felt too tired and lethargic and, (if I'm honest) I couldn't be bothered facing people, talking to people, having conversations, etc. I suddenly felt very selfish at about 5:30, and decided not to go.

Feel strange, but don't know why. I know God is doing something in my life, but I don't know what.

I'm very confused.

Oh well.