Is Purpose Purposeful?

12 August 2004
Time: 21:48:00 o'clock BST
Author: happyhobbit29
Mood: Sad
Music: Derek Webb


I'm struggling this week. Normally I can put things behind me after a while, but this week I've been thinking (again) about my future, and it seems awfully dark and empty. I'm about to reach 30, and since my last birthday, I thought this year would be better, that things would change in my life somehow....

It hasn't turned out like that at all. In fact things have got worse. I'm more depressed, more lonely, more soul-sick than last year. Little things that go wrong, or don't go the way I want, turn into HUGE dissapointments at the moment, as I over-react emotionally to everything. Is this what depression is like?

I wonder. I really don't see a future out there, but blithely carry on with day to day stuff, living life with almost a resignation to the fact that I can't do anything about anything. And yet, there's part of me that keeps saying "keep going, it'll get better". Will it really though?

I find it incredibly ironic at the monment that I'm preaching on hope on the 22nd in church. I feel a bit of a hypocrite at the moment preparing it, even though part of me wants to hear my own message. It's really wierd. I guess that's God's Spirit not giving up on me. Someone's just im'd me and asked me wot's up , and my honest answer was "everything", which perfectly describes what I feel at the moment.

I don't know what the answer is.

Stoppped halfway through writing this to have some thought. Have decided I'm being too introspective, which isn't always good.

Will stop now. He's got it under control, I'm sure.