Reminders...

Somedays, you wish you hadn't got out of bed.

Today I had an old aqquaintance visit me in the shop with his wife, telling me about his new job and blossoming marriage. I'm really pleased for him, but it left me feeling empty, then jealous, then guilty for feeling empty and jealous.

I don't seem to be able to enjoy my freind's happiness at the moment, when my life feels so empty and lacking direction. I really wish I could enjoy theirs joys, but every time someone tells me some good news, it feels like a kick in the teeth at the moment.

I've jus been to see "Wedding Crashers" which is actually quite funny, but I ended up leaving at the end of the film really quite low. It's hollywood ending of the guy getting the girl back and all being right with the world despite huge setbacks really got to me tonight.

Life just isn't like that. It never has been for me.

And the relationship I wrecked with the girl I wanted didn't magically get repaired, it ended messily with me feeling empty. I've never had the chance to tell her how I feel about her, and it's been eating me up for the last few months.

She had a smile that could light up a room, and although we'd only been going out a short while there was a "spark" there between us, if you know what I mean. I just let my own stupid insecurity get in the way and wreck things.

I wish I could turn the clock back but I can't. And now I just find myself thinking about her all the time, and not being able to do anything about it. The film reminded me of what I'd stupidly thrown away.

Now I find myself constantly going over old ground, living in the past, and comparing every girl I like the look of and get on with, with her. After three months, no-one's matched or even come close. I hate the fact that I'm condemned by my own choices, the fact that I've no-one else to blame but myself.

Ah what's the point.