Customers Etiquette

1. DO NOT, under any circumstances try to attempt to return a book that is obviously over a
year old, saying that you didn't like it, but couldn't get in to return it.

2. PLEASE DO NOT under any circumstances ask for "books about the heart", or other such
general ideas of a title of a book. If you don't know the title, just say so.

It's ok not to know, really. In fact we prefer it when you own up, it's like being a part of the A.A.

We don't mind looking for you if you admit you don't know, just PLEASE, PLEASE don't attempt to guess the title. You are a customer and therefore stupid, you will never in a million years bring back from the depths of your unconscious mind the title, no matter how hard you screw your face up, or just stand there.

3. Colour of cover is NOT a category we can search on. No matter what you've been told.

4. We are NOT deaf so please DO NOT shout at us.

5. If you are, tell us and then WE can shout at you.

6. Authors write books on specific subjects. This is a generally accepted fact. Therefore if you
are searching for " a book on being a christian" we will not find it. State what you mean
clearly and slowly, pausing to breathe if helpful. If it helps, pretend we are irish.

7. If the person serving you takes a deep breath several times in the space of 30 seconds, this
means you are an idiot and need to either learn to use the english language properly or just
give up and learn klingon.

8. If I say a book is out of print, it is because I have researched and know my job. It is not
because I am trying to ruin your idyllic day, or am part of a catholic / protestant /
charasmatic / reformed / baptist (insert any other common diabolical demonic enemy of
your own) conspiracy to rid the world of that particular teaching.

9. God did not write the Ten Commandments in 16th century english on the tablets of stone. It
was probably a semitic language, thousands of years before King James was born. Therefore
if you claim that this is the only version Christians should read and that God puts his stamp of
approval on it to the detriment of others, you have a mind denser than Superman's
underpants.

10. Never under any circumstances, ask me to choose a card to be suitable for your one-legged
reformed albanian cousin twice removed who has fallen over and put a crack in her Great
Aunt's china set. I do not know her or the china set, and have no idea what she would like
in a card. You were born into that family, you choose the card.

11. I am not a heretic, I just interpret the Bible differently to you.

12. If I do not whoop with joy at the latest Lahaye book, it is nothing personal. It is not a
demonic oppression of your "joy".

13. There is no such thing as "Christian Music". That is in the same realm as "Pocket Sized
Large Print Bibles" which also do not exist. (p.s. please do not ask for them, I just said
they don't exist) There are groups of christians who are musicians and produce music, but
no one style of music is any more "christian" than the other.

14. Patience is not only a virtue it is a Gift of the Spirit, so if you are in a hurry, please don't
tut at me, I am going as fast as I can on the till. If you keep on tutting, I will swear under my
breath and drown you in burning coals as I start being unbearably nice to you on purpose.
Eventually you will either feel guilty, or I will have just made you even more late.

15. Books you have made notes in cannot be returned. If you didn't find it helpful, why did you
write notes in it???!

16. Chip-And-Pin is NOT a tool of the Antichrist.