Pheeeeeeeeeew...

It's been a really hard day today.

One of the challenges of Ms, is not just the physical side. Often, emotionally you can find yourself all over the place. Ironically, what is taking place physically in my body all the time, is in fact affecting my mental state. The nature of the disease for those that didn't know, is that my body is in actuall effect eating away at itself. In MS, the white blood cells start attacking white tissue in the body, thinking that it is an alien substance to the rest of the body. They do the opposite of what they're supposed to do, they attack the body's cells, not bacteria.

Most white tissue is found in the spinal chord, and the brain, so these areas get attacked first, particularly the brain. When these areas are attacked by the white blood cells, the myelin sheath around individual nerves gets eaten away, to expose the nerve beneath. Unfortunately, the sheath around the nerves is what actually carries the nerve impulses from the brain down the spinal column to the right area. Areas that are attacked are obviously scarred, and it is this scarring, or 'schlerosis' that causes the problem.

Of course the body starts to heal itself and eventually the scarring dissapears. This means the symptoms stop, because the area attacked is no longer malfunctioning. However, the scarring can happen again while the other site is healing up. In fact several scarring processes can be happening at once in the brain.

This means that every couple of months I have days where I become very very emotional, I guess (though obviously I don't know!) a bit like a girl feels when her hormones are affecting her. When these days happen, I find myself crying alot, and feeling very frustrated with myself.

I stay in when I'm like that, because I feel for some unexplicable reason very fragile at these times, like if I watch a certain type of film, like maybe slushy or sad, or just one that gets you emotionally involved, that I'll fall apart. Also at these times I feel I can't be around people, as when these feelings come, they are overwhelming at times, and it can be embarrassing, if you're a bloke, to be talking normally to someone one minute, and then bursting into tears sobbing your heart out the next!!

Sometimes I don't have a particular reason or experience for these mood swings, they just tend to happen. It's more confusing when you feel like this, but then can't explain why.

I had one of those days today, and have been crying on and off all day! I do feel better for it though, so I guess I needed the release. I've been listening to worship music most of the day, I find when I'm like this that the only thing I can cope with is music that points me to God, and spending time in His prescence really helps me. Also being quiet is good too.

Anyway, I don't usually talk about my MS, but if any of you that read this ever get to meet me, and I seem to be crying alot, now hopefully you won't be so freaked out by it!!

I'm off to bed, it's been an exhausting day.