It's funny how God works in your life at times.
Over the past week, He's has slowly but surely been taking me apart bit by bit. I've realised a lot of things about myself that I feel like I should have had, alot of examples of life I should have witnessed that I didn't. I feel this overwhelming sense of what it means to be a man and a Christian, and what God expects of me as a husband and a father (I'm nowhere near being close to either yet) and I realise I haven't always had the example I should have.
I've been listening to a series of sermons from different preachers lately, and all of them without me realising it have been on the same theme of being a man of God, and what that means in living out your life, the responsibility and challenge of it in marriage, in fatherhood and in manhood. It's strange that it's taken till 32 for me to realise all this, but maybe it's time for me.
It struck me today as I was lisetning to what the preacher said, that I've never heard my dad say sorry to mum. He may have said it in private, but I've never seen that publicly. I've never heard him give her a compliment publicly, or admit he got something wrong.
Don't get me wrong, my dad is a good man, and I look up to him. He's been a Pastor since I can remember, and has pastored people and counselled them, and brought people to God through the example of his life for more than thirty years. He's proclaimed God's Word to 100's of people and I know that he prays every morning for God to change him and use his life for God's Glory.
Yet as I listen to the words that are being spoken to me, I'm wondering why I've never heard him exalt my mum in front of me. Yes, my parents are very private people, and I'm sure there's sides of their relationship that I have never seen and never will, and that's right and proper. But maybe if they'd included us as kids in their relationship more, maybe I would have been a different person now.
I've been on the receiving end of conversations with my mum, where she tells me about decisions shes not happy with that my dad's made in the past, and have had some really touching times with her talking about some of her regrets in life, but I can't help but think afterwards, "shouldn't be telling dad this?"...
And maybe she does, but I wonder.
Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful and happy for the parents I have, and they're good people, but I've reached the stage where I want to strive for something more, a relationship with a woman that will change not only the both of us involved in it, but those around us as well as they see our love for each other.
I have lot's more to write but I will leave it their for now, I have to finish my lunch.
I'm not one of these people who endlessly pshycoanalyzes things, and I know that I have personal reponsibility for my own actions and the person I am, but I wonder whether I would be different if I had seen more positive examples.
Anyway, there will be more to ponder later...
Friday, June 08, 2007
An Example.
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im glad yo wrote that hobbit, as i think my father is the same towards my mum thinking about it and have heard my mum say it sometimes to me to , but sometimes they need to hear it from a third party who is looking in, and i think whoever you find will be special hobbit as you a good man of god and will make a great husband, father ,and man (well u already a man) but you get me :P.gbu x
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you meant ... I've found myself confused and floundering in I guess a damaged, worn-out version of what a Christian family is meant to be ... I would say the same thing about my parents, that they are good people and they mean well I think, but ... You may remember I blogged a month or so ago and mentioned I cried that day because my dad apolagized to me. I almost never hear him apolagize to anyone. And when my mom does, it's more of a "please stop harassing me" than anything else.
ReplyDeleteI didn't *know* my examples weren't wholy good examples until years and years later ... into college, and even more now. I saw other married couples and other families in good times and bad, up close and from far away, and started to wonder what went wrong in my family. I've often written about this in my journal, wondering, and really just feeling hurt and frustrated that I didn't get what other people got!!!
But God knew. I have to admit that. God put me where he wanted me, so all I can surmise is that I am to learn from this. It scares me to death that I might become a part of the same thing. I know exactly what you mean when you say you want more than that. There's so much more to be had.
I'm gonna stop now and go think about making my own blog about this because I'm monopolizing your audience. ;) lol
I loved reading that JM! Best blog I've seen of yours in a while. All good things to be thinking about. I felt both encouraged and challenged all at the same time (interesting combo!).
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