Ramblings

I'm feeling a bit schitzophrenic at the moment, so you'll have to forgive me.

After my recent post about following God like Hannah, in listening to my counsellor I've been trying to think positively, change my thinking habits etc. It's been quite hard, when you get into a pattern of thinking, it's strange to try and coax yourself into a different way.

I've been trying to be positive but still feel a bit strange in front of people, so have quit leading worship for a while. I didn't explain the exact reasons, but just said I'd been ill, and left it at that. I'd said I would come back to start taking part again in October, so that's next week.

I went to church this morning, and felt about the lonliest I have in a long time. Until now, I'd never noticed how brilliant my church is with families and kids. They're really good, which is great, but for single people like me, it's quite... I dunno I can't explain.

I love kids, and I act like a kid most of the time myself, but this morning at church I felt completely out of place. It's not that I begrudge people families and partners, of course I don't, and it's not that I'm jealous either, because I'm not. It's just when a group of your freinds are sitting around talking about babies and kids and school and family and partners, after a while, even though it's good things for them that they're talking about, after a while it gets to you.

Because I've always been leading up at the front most sundays, I've never really noticed before how family orientated church is, and how much I don't fit in. I guess it's because I'm normally so concentrated on the songs I've chosen, and the music and getting it right, and leading. But now that I'm in a situation that I'm not doing those things, I profoundly notice my singleness, my alone-ness. Rather than propel me to get back into worship leading however, it's actually made me question things. Is the only way I'm going to be accepted, if I "do things"?

I'm not saying that my church is wrong for the way it is, they're not. Their children's work is really good, and many families feel really welcome whether Christian or not, which is what you want in a church, but for me as a single person, it's quite hard. I realise that I've been using the fact that I lead to escape these feelings, to pretend they're not there. As I was sitting in church today, I didn't feel bitter or angry, just a profound sense of sadness that my life isn't what I thought it would be, that I don't have someone to share things that are important with.

I found this sense of sadness welling up in me at the end of the service, and quickly and quietly slipped out, before I thought I would burst into tears, I didn't want to have to explain that in front of everybody. It's a really strange feeling, I don't feel any more depressed than I already was, but there's a strange kind of deep sadness there that I didn't realise, almost as if I wasn't aware of my singleness 'till today. I don't think I want to go back tonight.