Trusting God Like Hannah

I've been struggling for the past couple of months, ranting and raving and blaming God for the situations I find myself in at the moment, namely:

1. Being 31 and still single.
2. Having Multiple Schlerosis.
3. Struggling with depression and lonliness
4. Not having any sense of purpose anymore.

Tonight gave me a new perspective on things. One of our deacons was speaking on the passage where Jesus said "what shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?".

But he took it from a different angle than usual. Instead of waffling on about the things we shud avoid to avoid losing our soul, he looked at it from the point of view of what will being a christian cost us? he said the answer was in Jesus words to "take up your cross and follow me".

It really spoke to me tonight, because as I said I've been struggling for a while on a couple of issues, and being very angry with God and refusing to live for Him, because I saw Him as being unfair, and not treating me right. Tonight made me realise that God never promised us an easy life, in fact he promised us being a christian would not be easy, far from it! Jesus himself said that in this world, we would have trouble, but not just the ordinary kind that every other person has, but the kind that would come BECAUSE we follow Him! The only thing He guaranteed in fact was that he would be with us in this journey, and never leave us.

I've been struggling for a while since a fairly recent relationship breakup that was totally my fault because I rushed things. Through a very good freind at church, I've come to realise that marriage/kids and finding a partner is my number one desire in life, above everything. It's what I think about every day I wake up, and when I drop off to sleep at night. Now there's nothing wrong with that desire, because it's God given, but there is something wrong when I try and rush through and not wait on God's timing.

My problem is that because I've got this disease, it's so affected my thinking that I feel the need to rush and fit things in, in my life "before it's too late". It's the kind of thinking that makes me become intense in everything I do, or get involved in, and hence rush, and throw myself into. Throught talking wqith my freind Colin, I've realised this week how much this attitude has affected me, and everything I do. I've seen people who have MS further down the line in their diagnosis, and mentally, I think without realising that affected me, because I worry on a subconscious level about how much time/good health I do actually have left. The truth is, nobody knows, not even the doctors.

I'm very lucky, in that I've got some good freindships, that I've taken for granted because I was too busy bitching about how lonely and "incomplete" I was without a partner. I was bitter at God for giving me the life that I have that I saw as miserable and unfulfilled.

The thing is, what I most want, (marriage/kids etc) is actually a good thing to want, but it has to be in God's plan. I've undervalued the freindships I have with a few girls in church, because I was looking at them as "potential partners", rather than people God had put in my life to encourage me and build me up, but even more, as people that I could give encouragement too. So much advice about relationships today is about getting the best out of your partner, but not alot is about giving. I've suddenly realised this week, that the freindships I do have with women, God has put there for me to give to, NOT take. I have an opportunity to show them what a man directed by God can be like, as a strength and a support to them, not as someone whos chasing them for what he can get out of it.

Taking up my cross for me, means being a good freind, and not emotionally taking advantage of people for what I can get. What i really really want, will come in time, but I HAVE to wait for it. Hannah in the bible more than anything in her life, wanted to be a mother, and she spent many many times in front of God pleading and crying for her greatest wish to come true, but it only did so, when she gave it over to God and let Him have control. That's something I'm learning that I have to start doing. Not because I think it's gonna happen then, but in spite of it!

It's really difficult to lay your heart before God, your deepest feelings and trust Him with it. It's not something I find easy, but it's something that He requires of us. He wants our whole heart, not just the bits we think we can afford to give Him. It's been a tough lesson for me to learn, and has involved lot's of heartache for me over the last few months, but I think I'm starting to grasp what letting go means.

I don't know how much time in terms of good health I've got left, whether it's lots or hardly any, but I have to trust that God knows what He's doing. It's my cross to bear, and it's nothing compared with what He paid for me. I have to learn to give it all over to Him and let Him worry about it. If there is someone out there for me, she's certainly not gonna go for me if I'm phsychotically searching for her, and have been through a long string of wrecked freindships to get there! Think about it: If I can't have a solid freindship with a girl, how can I expect to have one with my future wife?!

A verse in Song Of Songs says "do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires", and until now I always thought that was simply talking about sex and a warning against getting involved too physically too quickly; I've since realised it goes deeper than that. God is the rightful owner of our hearts, and we should only give them to someone when He shows us the right person. That doesn't mean we should be heartless and not compassionate and loving with people, but it does mean we should hold back when thinking about "potentials". Love as the verse says, is not something to be messed around with, or entered into lightly, no matter how small the beginnings. Being attracted to someone is not a reason to go out with them!

This has been quite difficult for me to realise, but I hope that from now on, the new insights I've gained will help to make me a better follower of Jesus, and hopefully at the same time, a better man, and a better support to my sisters in Christ.

Sermon over! I've found this useful to type out as I've been thinking... what do people think?