I've just been to A and E....
Apparently i've fractured my collar bone, which explains why it 'flippin hurts so much!!
Got to go back to the Fracture Clinic tommorrow - hope i dont have to have a cast!!
I have a sling at the mo which gets points for the sympathy factor, but not very practical - why did it have to be my right shoulder?! (i'm right handed!)
This week in work is going to be fun, i can tell....
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
I've just been to A and E....
Scribbled by Jm at 4:23 pm
I think I'm going to write to the Guiness Book Of Records for the world's silliest injury.
This weekend I've managed to really hurt my shoulder whilst playing a game on a child's scooter!! (you know the 'push off with one foot' kind)
Last weekend I went away to Shropshire, for our church weekend away. On the saturday afternoon, we splkit into teams and played lot's of circuit games, and the one I injured myself in consisted of trying to go round a circle f obstacles as many times as you could in 2 minutes on a scooter! Not being the type of person to be out-done by the other teams, I went as fast as I could on the scooter round the circle, only to skid on the asphault, (it was a tennis/games court - very hard surface!) and not just fall, but fly over the scooter and bounce several times on the court, eventually making contact with the ground on my right shoulder, and the right side of my face!!
Since then, my shoulder has gone very stiff and painful, and swollen, and I've got a burning sensation whenever I try and lift my arm horizontally higher than my ear level, so I've booked an appointment at the docs today for 11-30. I think I've also pulled or strained the muscle that attaches the neck and the shoulder, because that hurts whenever i move my head as well!!
I'm just glad I had today off to be able to go to the Doctors!!
Anyway, apart from that, it was a brilliant weekend, we followed the theme of Ephesians about loving each other, and the teaching sessions were very powerful, and very challenging. We watched a video about a father and son who do triathlons and marathons together, the son was born disabled, and can't walk or speak, but communicates through a computer. His father literally runs and pushes his specially adapted bike, and boat, and wheelchair, and they've ridden 7,000 odd miles across the states together and taken part (and completed) countless triathlons and marathons together. The whole theme of the video was about the power of Together, and how when we work together, what amazing things can be done when two people work together. It was very emotional to watch it, and it ended by saying that Rick (the disabled son) couldn't compete without his father, and Dick (the father) wouldn't compete without his son. Dick was the force, Rick was the heart. It really finished off the weekend with a really powerful story.
I went on the weekend, wondering if it was a good idea, and left feeling part of a family, feeling part of a community that has God at it's heart. I'm really glad I went!!
Scribbled by Jm at 11:29 am
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
If you're a regular reader of my blog, you'll realise that I'm the kind of person who's not very good with decisions, and who has the emotional life of a very fast complicated roller coaster.
Usually when I have a very important decision to make, I worry about it for at least four weeks beforehand, and eventually reach the stage where I'm so neurotic about it, that I just give in to circumstance. Part of my hesistancy to actually step out and make a decision is based on the fear of the consequences, and I guess I share that with lot's of people.
I've been to-ing and fro-ing (I've always liked that phrase!) mentally and emotionally for a long time now about the whole subject of "Church".
Before people who read this go "oh sheesh, is that all?!", give me a moment to explain...
I've been brought up in the Christian faith since I was born, my dad is a pastor, and most of my family share the same faith. I've been brought up to say and do all the right things, and I know the "ettiquette of church" inside and out. There was a time in my life when this was all there was to it, I didn't question it because... well... why would I?
At age 9 I experienced God in a new way, whereby I suddenly realised this whole Christianity thing was about how me and Him (God/Jesus) got on, and that I needed to decide whether I was going to trust Him to help me live my life or not. For me, it was a decision that was either all or nothing, not because He was forcing me to make that, but because I needed to decide.
Once that decision had been made, I was happy to just get on in school, and leave the whole "being a Christian" thing up to Him. I did all the things I was told were good for Christians to do, (read the bible, pray etc) and I managed to get through my teen years relatively ok. They were quite lonely years, as I didn't really have any friends, but me & God got on with it and it was ok.
Once I reached sixth form, things started to change. (obviously!) Suddenly there were all these women where the girls used to be, all around me, and I didn't understand them, and I was mystified at how they provoked shyness in me at the slightest little smile, how they could make me nervous just by walking up to me, and how totally inadequate I felt around them.
This strange effect that women had, carried on all through sixth form, and it was exaggerated by the fact that I had spent so much time on my own previously. I didn't really know how to talk to people, and my social skills were quite poor. This led to me having some very nasty panic attacks, where I couldn't physically walk in to the sixth form common room, otherwise I'd start sweating and going red and stumbling over my words. This meant that I usually sat on the stairs to the science block all dinner time on my own, just staring out into the playground, or just aimlessly walking round the grounds. Occasionally I would pick up the courage to go in to the common room, and then I'd sit in the corner on my own, fastidiously taking my specs off every five minutes, and obsessively cleaning them, making sure to do anything, even if it made me look stupid, to avoid eye contact with anyone.
I remember once I got so bad I concentrated on a piece of the carpet in the common room, and sat there for two hours staring at it because I couldn't do anything else; to engage in a conversation with anyone would have been a nightmare for me. When the bell rang, I got up and went to my next lesson, with a headache, because I'd been staring so long at this one square of carpet. I guess people had tried to talk to me during those two hours, but I was so busy being in my own safe, secure place that I didn't hear them.
Occasionally I did talk to people, but most of my peers thought I was wierd. It's only now that I can look back and see how strange I must have looked.
Meanwhile, in Church, I was absolutely fine. I could talk to anyone, carry out a conversation and laugh and joke, because these were people I trusted and knew, and had grown up with. The service, the hymns, the bible readings, all of these were things I knew well, and almost "breathed"; they were air for me, and I could understand them.
When I got to uni, I had to change a bit, and forced myself to speak to some people, who eventually became friends. Again, I still got very shy and nervous, and found it difficult to socialise with people, and foreign concepts like "beer" and "the pub" and "parties" confused me and made me nervous, so I avoided them. This made me isolate myself a bit more I guess.
I got through Uni and had changed quite a bit, I was having conversations with people, and interacting like I hadn't before. Still, there was this shyness and nervousness that I felt was still going on under the surface...
Scribbled by Jm at 10:51 pm
Im at a gig a week tommorrow!!
I'm playing guitar for my sister at an urban music audition gig, so it's an acoustic set!!
We've decided to do an acoustic cover of Basement Jaxx's "Good Luck" which was quite a feat to work out all the chords from the CD!! So, now I'm apparently an Urban Guitarist. It's a different way of playing the acoustic, and I'm quite excited about it!!
We're also doing some of her songs, which I've had to re-work into an acoustic context obviously, as she normally sings r n b!!
Hopefully should be a good night tho!!
If anyone is in the Liverpool area on Wednesday 31st May, between 8 and 11, come to the Dragon Bar near to Chinatowwn, and you may hear us, and lots of people more talented!!
I'm so excited.... :)
Scribbled by Jm at 9:35 pm
Monday, May 22, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
I'll give you an account with pictures...
Second Step - Make sure he has a very large readable sign entitled "BIG GAY STAG" attatched to the back AND front of said dress...
Third Step - make him walk to his local pub 100 yards ahead of the rest of the group looking like the above photo, and tell him his first task is to go up to the bar and order a drink as if everything is normal...
(dave gets the full works from the ladies, even mascarra)
(Dave pouts again)
(Dave poses in front of the pub entrance before we get on the coach into town)
(Dave poses provocatively)
A great time was had by all, and I have video evidence also that I can't unfortunately show on here that involves Dave pole dancing lol lol lol
N.B. VERY LITTLE alchohol was consumed which makes it even funnier lol.
Also, before we went to the club, we had a Chinese/Tai Banquet, and some of the waiters/waitresses didn't quite know what to make of Pretty Dave lol
Dave you'll never live this down, but if my brother does ever get married, you have my permission to do even worse to him!! Hehe.
Scribbled by Jm at 5:58 pm
Saturday, May 20, 2006
I got shot in the head six times!!
It's a good thing I've got a hard head!! We had visor helemt things and a mesh hood, so it was ok. It did hurt, but it wasn't too bad...
On the positive side, I did manage to only get 'killed' in two games, the other four games I stayed 'alive' to the end, but managed to 'kill' others!! It was great fun, I'm gonna do it again definitely!!
Am off to have a shower now, as I got covered in mud and peat, as it has been raining most of the day, and I had to dive a few times!! I managed to wreck my old trainers, which is fine!! I landed in a peat bog at one point so it was great lol
Off to shower and get ready for tonight and the meal!!!
Scribbled by Jm at 5:21 pm
Friday, May 19, 2006
Tommorrow I'm out for the day.
One of my brothers best friends, (who also happens to go to the same church as me) is getting married in August, so he's having a "stag day" , and he's invited me and my brother. To start off, we meet outside the church to get a coach to a paintball centre, and there we will engage in trying to kill each other at close range with balls of paint. I am fully expecting to come back looking and feeling like a Picasso painting as apparently the bruises are great and they're very good for showing off with...
They do feed us and allow us a break halfway through apparently, and we're having a barbecue. What precisely they're barbecuing is anybody's guess, I'm fully prepared for it to be me, being probably the slowest, oldest and shortest there!!
Then after several more attempts at trying to lose an eye or a limb, (or, through some particularly vicious shots, a testicle) having had our primal male hunter ego's satisfied, we will get back on the coach and all go our separate ways to proceed in the girly ritual of "washing oneself clean", before we all meet up again for a feast.
And I mean literally a feast!
We're going to aChinese/Tai Banqet!!
Once there, we will cause havoc and fear and hillarity as only a bunch of young (ok apart from me) handsome, virile men can do, whilst eating and drinking our full body weight each.
Then, staggering out of said eating place, we will proceed to paint the town whatever colour we damn well choose, starting with presumably a vomit/beer/spirits/aftershock colour combination on the floor of whichever club we end up in next...
Hopefully it should be a good day/night.
Especially as I am planning on taking my digital camera with me for posterity!
Scribbled by Jm at 9:03 pm
Thursday, May 18, 2006
I've had a very strange couple of weeks. If I look back, in terms of my job, I've actually got a lot of work done, and been quite productive, but I still feel a great emptiness at the monent, like everything I do doesn't really have any purpose; like I'm just going through the motions.
I've been very tired and withdrawn the last few weeks, and have just had no desire to talk to people or meet up. I've been watching a dvd/listening to music/idly chatting on msn in my room on my own just because I don't want to face people. I've been going to church/music practices etc, but have cleared off as soon as the service finished, because I don't want to be caught by someone and have to talk to them.
I've been getting increasingly frustrated about living with my parents and also doing the same job for more than eight years. I have no ambition, and no idea of what I want to do with my life, and at the moment am quite depressed about it. I feel like I'll do the same job until I die, just because I can't get the motivation to step out and apply for others, and also because I don't think I'm good enough to get any other job apart from this one, and the fear of taking a risk is holding me back.
My whole life I've been afraid. Of everything.
Someone who's got to know me well told me recently that I'm afraid of change, and that is the centre of all my decision-making, and I think they got it 100% right.
Basically I'm a little boy in a grown-up world, and realising that lately, has made me want to hide away.
I'm even afraid of my fear.
I just don't want to face people. I even had an argument with my dad last night, and I resent him at the moment, even though I know I shouldn't. Everyone I know seems to have at least one good thing in their life at the moment, and I honestly can't see anything in mine.
I know that sounds like self-pity, and maybe it is.
I'm the unhappiest I've ever been, and can't see it changing, because in order to change, I need to do something, and I know I won't.
I don't even know why I'm writing this. I don't want pity from anyone, I'm just so miserable I have to tell someone, and the internet is my best impersonal hope at the moment.
My depression has reached the stage where I sign into msn as offline, so other people can't see I'm online, but I just watch the little boxes appear and dissapear. It's something to do. I chat in the chatroom, and put on a massive mask, but it's not even close to what I'm feeling. Even as I'm typing this, I feel the despair grabbing hold of me and wondering why I'm bothering. Who's gonna read it anyway?
Scribbled by Jm at 7:58 pm
Monday, May 15, 2006
I've climbed out of my sulk and decided that life is too short. If someone wants me as a friend, thats a good thing. Friendships last and are usually stronger than marriages, and in friendship you dont get obsessed with the other person like you can in a relationship.
As a wise person once said:
*Friendships are important, and to turn one down is more stupid than being a conservative*
Scribbled by Jm at 8:57 pm
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
I'm selling mine and it's in mint condition.
(it's a rather large guitar effects pedal btw, jus in case you were wondering)
I have the original box and manual aswell.
Will put it in the paper but I thought I'd give peeps a chance first.
*tumbleweed drifts across*
*the sun sets*
I'll put it in the paper then.
Scribbled by Jm at 7:23 pm
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Sorry couldn't think of an exciting title for this post!
Well I've done something tonight I've not done in months....
(don't bite the corner of your lip like that, it's not that norty lol)
I sat and watched television!
For a whole hour!!
No internet, no reading, no listening to music, but just pure unadulterated entertainment.
I actuaslly watched the penultimate episode of that program about Sir Alan Sugar finding a new trainee. It was actually quite entertaining, especially the overconfident idiot that tried to convince him he was the best thing since sliced bread lol
Not that I would even come within the first 100000,00000 lol
It's funny watching the mindgames and overconfidence people try to exhalate.
I'm so not a buisnessman lol
My problems in finding a suitable job are so far from theirs that I'm glad!
Makes you glad for the job you have got, despite it annoying or frustrating you.
Once I'd finished weatching some tv, I came upstairs and started listening to some albums I haven't listened to in a long while, particularly Maroon 5, Smashing Pumpkins, Anastacia, Hothouse Flowers, Travis, Marc Cohn, Seal and a few others!!
You know how sometimes you associate past relationships with an album or piece of music? Well I do anyway. They can be a song you heard when you were out together, or an album you bought during that time, and have good memories of. Well, all of the previous albums I mentioned, have some sort of memory attached to them, and I haven't listened to them in a while because of the association, but I figure than rather than get down about it, I should celebrate the love I've had in my life, because at the time, they were happy times, and I should remember that. Maybe the phrase "saving up for a rainy day" should apply to good memories and not just to money...
Yes I've been hurt quite alot, but I've also had some very good times. I remember times when I nearly literally felt I was gonna die laughing, and also many walks in different places, holding hands and sharing stolen moments of kisses that warmed me up not neccesarily on cold days, but warmed me up from the inside. I remember many parks, and places of peace that just the two of us shared, and also conversations filled to the brim with silly comments and a kind of childishness that made both of us feel like two six year olds holding hands.
I've shared all these experiences with all the girls I've been with, and of course I have regrets, but I also have become a better person because of them. I hope they would see that anyway.
Kat, Michelle, Laura, Adele, and Alice, thank you for making me happy!
Scribbled by Jm at 9:42 pm
Monday, May 08, 2006
I did and this was the bizzarre conversation we had!
Hello there. What is your name?
dont you know?
Sure I know. But I cannot tell you right now.
you cannot tell me?
I can tell.
but you wont?
I think we will.
we will what?
we will what anytime soon?
Do you have any idea what I am talking about?
LOL LOL LOL
I've always worried that God didn't have a clue what I was waffling on about, that just proves it!
If you want to talk to "God", click the title of this post and it'll take you there!!
Scribbled by Jm at 10:22 pm
I got back yesterday at teatime from Belfast after flying out there at 7am.
2 flights in one day is not good!! There's obviously no time difference between Liverpool & Northern Ireland, so I haven't got jet lag, but I am very very tired.
Today should be interesting in work...
Scribbled by Jm at 7:39 am
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Scribbled by Jm at 8:48 pm
I'm at a computer terminal in Belfast Airport, feeling strange.
My grandad had a suspected stroke last night, and mum and I flew over very early this morning. I agreed to go over and fly back this afternoon, because shes very nervous when it comes to flying.
I'll have been over here for approximately 6 hours before I go back, and as well as seeing my grandad, I've seen the church where my parents were married, and also seen the hospital where I was born as a six week premature baby, at 2lb 15 oz. Apparently I was their miracle baby in 1974!! I was in an incubator for six weeks after I was born because they didn't think I would live.
All I can say about Belfast is that it;'s a beutiful city surrounded by mountains, and I'm glad to be back to the place where I was born, if only briefly and in unfortunate circumstances.
Today has provoked some strange feelings in me, as I've thought about and seen places from my very distant past, and my parent's past. I've seen my parents through new eyes and it's given me a fresh perspective. Maybe I shouldn't be so quick to judge my friend Alice, marriage is something serious and not to be messed with or taken lightly. Maybe she was right to call it off afterall.
Anyway time's running out, so bye!!
Scribbled by Jm at 2:32 pm
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Friday, May 05, 2006
- I'm wearing alot more plain white tops
- Girls are wearing a lot less
- The birds are singing outside my window
- It's sunny
- It's warm
- I've listened to the whole of the Lighthouse Family album "Ocean Drive"
- I've also listened to Anastacia
- It's light now till at least 8:30/9-ish in the evening
- I want to watch more comedy and action films
- I wear just a pair of boxer shorts to bed now, no t-shirt
- I can have my bedroom window open during the day and I don't feel cold
- It's light outside when I get up in the morning
- I'm starting to think about what to do for my two weeks holiday in July
That's proof enough for me.
Scribbled by Jm at 2:59 pm
It's my day off, and I've invited my friend Richard around and we're going to watch Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (the depp version) 'cos neither of us have seen it yet.
I hope he enjoys it.
Then, he's staying for tea, I'm walking him back round to his mum's, and I'm going to Colin's, my mate from church, to moan about women and listen to Jazz probably, and just generally gossip, and drink lot's of tea. Oh, and to moan about women also.
I think I might do quite a bit of that actually.
Scribbled by Jm at 2:51 pm
I went to Head Office in Carlisle yesterday, as I agreed to represent the smaller stores on a H & S committee that meets every six months or so. It means that every few months I get to go on a train, which for me is a good thing. I like long train journeys for the following reasons:
- I get to think about things deeply without interruption
- I get to read to my heart's content
- I get to see the names of lot's of lovely places I've never visited
- I get to see the beauty of the Lake District whirring by, in hundreds of shades and hues of green, shimmering their branches in the sunshine
- I get to talk to God in my head as much as I like
Generally, they're a good thing. Who cares if they're not on time? I certainly don't.
Basically they're sacred space for me.
Scribbled by Jm at 2:44 pm
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
I don't really know what to say, and I can't explain it because I don't understand, but I'm single again.
Alice and I have split up, and contrary to the way things normally go, we're gonna be friends.
However, I am very confused, angry and sad.
I must have done something but don't know what.
And PUH-LEASE, dont give me the "she wasn't the one for you" crap.
I don't actually believe in any of that.
Oh well, back to pondering my navel again....
Scribbled by Jm at 11:40 pm