Low

I've had a very strange couple of weeks. If I look back, in terms of my job, I've actually got a lot of work done, and been quite productive, but I still feel a great emptiness at the monent, like everything I do doesn't really have any purpose; like I'm just going through the motions.

I've been very tired and withdrawn the last few weeks, and have just had no desire to talk to people or meet up. I've been watching a dvd/listening to music/idly chatting on msn in my room on my own just because I don't want to face people. I've been going to church/music practices etc, but have cleared off as soon as the service finished, because I don't want to be caught by someone and have to talk to them.

I've been getting increasingly frustrated about living with my parents and also doing the same job for more than eight years. I have no ambition, and no idea of what I want to do with my life, and at the moment am quite depressed about it. I feel like I'll do the same job until I die, just because I can't get the motivation to step out and apply for others, and also because I don't think I'm good enough to get any other job apart from this one, and the fear of taking a risk is holding me back.

My whole life I've been afraid. Of everything.

Someone who's got to know me well told me recently that I'm afraid of change, and that is the centre of all my decision-making, and I think they got it 100% right.

Basically I'm a little boy in a grown-up world, and realising that lately, has made me want to hide away.

I'm even afraid of my fear.

I just don't want to face people. I even had an argument with my dad last night, and I resent him at the moment, even though I know I shouldn't. Everyone I know seems to have at least one good thing in their life at the moment, and I honestly can't see anything in mine.

I know that sounds like self-pity, and maybe it is.

I'm the unhappiest I've ever been, and can't see it changing, because in order to change, I need to do something, and I know I won't.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I don't want pity from anyone, I'm just so miserable I have to tell someone, and the internet is my best impersonal hope at the moment.

My depression has reached the stage where I sign into msn as offline, so other people can't see I'm online, but I just watch the little boxes appear and dissapear. It's something to do. I chat in the chatroom, and put on a massive mask, but it's not even close to what I'm feeling. Even as I'm typing this, I feel the despair grabbing hold of me and wondering why I'm bothering. Who's gonna read it anyway?