Re: Dear British Weather

(this email was sent to me by an extremely mentally unstable person who i know very well ROFL)

Dr Ench (Senior Controller)
British Weather

Dear Mr Cullen,

Thank you for your comments.

I apologise that your normal weather service has been interrupted. The reason for this unexpected turn of events is a Government-sponsored Exchange Programme. Frankly, my office is overrun with indefatigable Mediterranean types who insist that sunny weather will produce happier and healthier citizens. (This is arrant nonsense, as anyone who has spent an afternoon in downtown Los Angeles will attest.)

I have been submitting report after report to the European management team, pointing out that Britain is simply not equipped to deal with such startling quantities of good weather.

For example, air conditioning: British people seem to regard this as a quaint outlandish notion, loosely associated with paper fans and punkah wallahs. As you may be aware, real air conditioning has an effect similar to plunging one’s nether regions into the frozen vegetable section at Sainsburys. This may be achieved by consuming copious quantities of electricity (USA), or by building airy spacious homes with beautiful thick stone walls (Italy, Spain, Greece, etc.) Unfortunately, your average 3-bed semi in Hythe is unlikely to achieve a similar effect by the drawing of curtains. In two millennia of permanent home-building, the Britons have achieved precisely two advances: Double-glazing and the dado rail. Meanwhile, the lost secret of ventilation remains … well, frankly, LOST.

You will forgive me if I do not pass your correspondence to my superiors, as you do seem to imply that the general populace might actually be ENJOYING these barbaric conditions. If Head Office get a whiff of this, I may never see Mrs Gulch or her colleagues again (not so much as a postcard, can you believe it?). My office could be swarming with cologne-drenched Italians for ever more – perish the thought!

However, on a personal note I hope you will accept my thanks for assisting me financially. I had placed a wager with the Head of Norwegian Weather (lovely chap) that no matter how balmy the conditions, at least one person from every British street would complain. Since yours was the last road to remain silent, your letter has availed me of fifty quid, which was much needed. Thank you! Mr Gordon and Ms Schweppes will be gratified, I’m sure. This hot weather does give one a thirst…

Now, if only I had a piazza and a parasol. I wonder if Mrs Gulch would appreciate some company…

Yours, etc.

Everard Ench.