...............

I don't really have any words at the moment.

Adele and I are definitely over, and it's due to my intensity, and over possesiveness. It ended horribly, and although she was one of my best friends, she doesn't want any contact now at all. On top of the break-up, for some reason all the old feelings from my past two engagements breaking up came back to haunt me, and I couldnt cope. All this happenned last night, and I spent four hours uncontrollably crying, I had some sort of mini-breakdown.

I've been lonely most of my life to be honest, that sounds melodramatic, but it is the truth. I've not really had many friends, which means when I do get into a relationship with a girl, I tend to go overboard, and get emotionally attatched way too soon, and then burn out the other person's feelings very quickly.

I have an aching, raging need for acceptance from people, and it sometimes drives me a bit mad, and causes me to do unbelievably obsessive and stupid things. I'm so desperate to be like by people, it's stupid.

I spent most of today re-carpeting my room, and making it my space, as it's been the place I've spent most of my time over the past two years. (since the last break up) I've been ridiculously emotional today, I think the split with adele was the tip of the iceberg, and I've probably had depression for a very long time, but not admitted it. My brother was making me laugh, and in the midst of laughing I suddenly started crying, and was afraid I wouldn't stop. I spent lots of time being quiet today, and listening to Damien Rice, which seemed to suit my mood and help today. One of his songs, in the chorus, says:

some things in life may change
and some things they stay the same
like time
there's always time
on my mind
so pass me by
i'll be fine
just give me time

Another song says:

cold cold water surrounds me now
and all i've got is your hand
lord can you hear me now?
or am i lost?
no one's daughter allow me that
and I can't let go of your hand
lord, can you hear me now?
or am i lost?
don’t you know i love you
and I always have
hallelujah
will you come with me?
cold cold water surrounds me now
and all i've got is your hand
lord.. can you hear me?
or am i lost?

Another:

i remember
i remember it well the first time that i saw
your head ‘round the door
'cause mine stopped working
i remember it well there was wet in your hair
you were stood in the stair and time stopped moving
i want you here tonight
i want you here
'cause i can't believe what i found
i want you here tonight
want you here
nothing is taking me down

i remember it well
taxied out of a storm
to watch you perform
and my ships were sailing
i remember it well
i was stood in your line
and your mouth your mouth your mouth your mind
i want you here tonight
i want you here
'cause i can't believe what i found
i want you here tonight
want you‘cause nothing is taking me down
‘cept you my love..

come all ye lost
dive into moss
i hope that my sanity covers the cost
to remove the stain of my love
paper maché
come all ye reborn
blow off my horn
i'm driving real hard
this is love this is porn
god would forgive me
but i.. i whip myself scorn scorn
i wanna hear
what you have to say about me
hear if you're gonna live without me
hear what you want
i remember december
and I wanna hear
what you have to say about me
hear if you're gonna live without me
i wanna hear
what you want
what the hell do you want?



These songs go part of the way to explain how I feel. All I seem to get in life is hurt, whatever I do. Yeh i've had happy times, but they've always been overshadowed by darker memories of hurts that keep happenning.

I wish, just for once, that something would go right, would work out, whether it's my r'ships, my job, my music, whatever.

Just something, anything.