Me.

I don't understand myself at the moment.

It's a beautiful day outside, the sun is shining, and there's a (semi!) blue sky. One of my friends invited me out to lunch today but I didn't reply.

All I want to do is stay in and surf the internet and read blogs.

I feel really empty at the moment.

There could be tons of things I could do today, but I find myself wasting time, wanting to be alone and feeling miserable, but content. It's not as if I'm having quality "alone time" because I'm not even reading a book, or doing something creative. I'm just sitting in, typing a blog to the black, impersonal, uncaring being that is the internet, and surfing it aimlessly, looking for something that attracts my attention in blogs.

I guess this is a bad combination of depression and my introspective personality. I feel really aimless at the moment, much like the writer of Ecclesiastes. Nothing seems to have purpose or lasting enjoyment at the moment for me. Even typing this out, trying to put my very complex feelings into words is proving a struggle. I find I have so much to say, most of it seems profound to me, and then I immediately forget it, and think "oh well".

I'm seriously strange at the moment. I drift between random thoughts and tears, between happiness and a strange dull numbness and deadness that seems to envelop my thought process in a thick stickiness. I could be anywhere in the world at the monment, with anyone for company, and would still feel the same. My ideal flights of fancy in my imagination don't let me escape anymore.

My life is aimless and drifting at the moment.

And yet....

I can laugh, I can go and enjoy myself, no-one who knows me would know I was going through all these things. But still, when I come home, and come to my room, my place, my small space of security that wraps me up like a blanket in comfort; when I come back here, the feelings of emptiness and deadness return.

I don't even know why I'm typing this. Am I expecting someone to return a comment that will change my life, that will turn things around miraculously?

No.

I know God. I love Him. That's quite a statement to make, but it is true. I know He has a plan for my life....

Somewhere.

Somewhere I can't quite reach or grab hold of yet. Or so it seems.

I keep listening to a song by Chris Tomlin off his album "Arriving":

How Great Is Our God

The splendour of a king, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice, all the earth rejoice
He wraps Himself in light, and darkness tries to hide
And trenbles at his voice, trembles at his voice

(Chorus)
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God
And all will see how great, how great is our God

And age to age He stands, and time is in His hands
Beginning and the end, beginning and the end
The God head, three in one, Father, Spirit, Son
The Lion and the Lamb, the Lion and the Lamb

(Chorus)

You're the Name above all names
You are worthy of all praise
My heart will sing how great is our God

I know the words aren't very complex, but everytime I hear it at the moment, it reassures me that there's a plan out there for my life somewhere. There's someone who knows what He wants from me, who knows why He made me, who has evrything under control, even when I can't see the next step in front of me, or worse when I don't even care.

It just started raining torrentially and I heard a peal of thunder as I was typing this. I'm amazed that the God who causes that is interested in me, in my feelings, my little world that seems to count for nothing at the moment.

I feel so lost, but I know He'll sort this out somehow, and give me motivation.

I hope this hasn't sounded too much like the robot out of Hitchikers that I watched on Saturday!!