...................

Don't know what to call this.

I've had two arguments with Mum and Dad separately already and they've only been in for 5 mins.

I've been eating mainly 3 pieces of fruit and some toast every day for the past two weeks, because I've not felt the need to eat, and consequently have lost quite a bit of weight. (I'm down to 9 stone now) I don't feel motivated to do anything, and Mum and dad are worried because of the weight loss and because Im on my computer in my room all the time. My dad says I need "to get a life". He's completely right of course.

But I can't.

I'm 30 years old and I have no real prospects in my job, I can't form a meaningful relationship because I get serious and obsessive, I'm in debt up to my neck, and I feel a constant tension between loving God and wanting to follow Him, and chucking it all in. At the moment, I can pretend in work and church that everything's fine, but alone in my room, I can be the person I am at the moment.

Empty.

Even as I'm writing, I can see that I'm "being dramatic" about my situation, there are thousands of people in a worse situation than me. I know this. It doesn't help at all to know these things though.

I'm going to spend another night on the internet, reading other people's blogs and chatting aimlessly on msn, as I do every night.