Changes......

This is a hard post to write.

It's strange, the way your life works out, as you get older, you tend to look back more and live in the past, especially if you feel you haven't achieved what you wanted to.

All who read this blog won't know, but yesterday afternoon, I took an overdose of my medication. I normally inject myself once a day with 20mg, but yesterday took 180. After injecting myself nine times, after an hour I started to panic, and called my brother, who called my dad, who called an ambulance. I was rushed to hospital, and was kept in overnight under observation,, as the drug I'm on for my ms is quite new, and no-one has ever overdosed on it before. I spent a horrible night, being checked on my vitals every two hours, blood pressure, temperature and heart rate, etc.

After a day in hospital, I came home this afternoon, feeling very very tired, and very emotionally exhausted. I still can't say whether I meant to kill myself or not, and doubtless some people will thrust me into the ranks of 'unbeliever' and agnostic for what I've done, and maybe they're right. All I know is that when lonliness and disatisfaction with your life reach an all-time low, there's nothing else to do.

I'm off work for a couple of days, and my parents have told my boss I had to go into hospital connected with my ms and because I was exhausted. (which is sort of true) Telling people you tried to kill yourself because of depression isn't really something you want to advertise, and especially not to your Boss. I've decided to have another day off tommorrow, and go back in on saturday. I'm seeing my GP tommorrow about starting on some anti-depressants.

I can't really say I want sympathy or understanding, as I'm just numb at the moment. I'm not writing for that reason. It's mainly for my own benefit, so I can try and put into words what I feel. I guess one word sums it up:

Emptiness.

Total, utter emptiness, where nothing matters, and all emotions seem one tiny part of a jumbled mix going on in my head. Something needs to change, I don't want to stay this unhappy forever. I'm being a burden on my family, and a drain on other people emotionally.

I'm not writing this to be spectacular, the internet has a sort of anonymity of sorts to it, and not many people who know me in real life rad my blog, so I think it's ok to write stuff like this. If you do know me in real life, please don't repeat what I've just typed, my emotional vulnerability is not something to be discussed like the football.

I can't write any more at the moment, I'm too drained of energy emotionally.