Angry Rant

My friend's wife has just gone into hospital to be induced with their first baby. My other friend has just emailed to say she's just given birth to their first baby.

It should be good news, it should be a time for celebration, but I feel insanely jealous.

I haven't blogged for a while.

I've been up and down emotionally like a yo-yo, and frankly, I'm a bit fed up of it. Why is it that I can't seem to settle on one emotion at a time, instead of three at once, barricading me in?

I'm off to the docs tommorrow, to try and sort it out, hopefully they can give me something that will make me a bit more stable. In work I've managed to keep it under control, but once I'm home, I'm like a bear with a sore head, and then fine, and then not. My family must think I'm a nutter. I feel like I'm a teenager again, wanting to be cooped up in my own room, away from the eyes and ears of everyone else. I'm 30 years old for God's sake!!

I could go on and on, but I'm sure it will bore people. Who the hell really reads this anyway?

Yes, I'm a Christian, yes I believe God wants the best for me, but my heart is finding trouble accepting that at the moment, even though my head firmly believes it. I've always dreaded becoming one of those people that moans and whines about their life, and makes everyone they come into contact with, wish that they'd never met, but it seems I am becoming one of those people. And I know that this is a totally selfish post, full of self pity. I can recognize it. That's just how I feel at the moment.

Why is it so hard to find someone to love? Is it so difficult? Is it too much I'm asking of God? Can I have even a little bit of purpose, a little sign that I'm not just wasting time treading water? Is there any point to my job, my life? If so, what is it? Even just a little glimpse of something in the future that's good and will last, even that would be worth all this struggle.

All the things I've dreamed of since I was younger, as I look back, everything without fail has collapsed and fallen to bits, even things that will seem insignificant and stupid to other people except me, like wanting to do something with my music, wanting someone who loves me like I love them, (that'd be a change) wanting to know that I have a point, I have a purpose.

Every time I get a twitch in my leg, everytime my muscles go really weak, I keep thinking is this it? Is this when my legs give way and I'm in a wheelchair? I feel so, so tired at the moment, and feel like giving up. Why shouldn't I let this disease just take over, do what it wants to me? Why am I bothering to take daily injections to stop what is probably inevitable anyway? EVERY single person I've talked to with M.S, says it does eventually get worse, and you have to deal with not doing things you used to do, learn to live life a bit slower.

I feel so trapped in a life that's not actually my own. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped inside my own body, watching a person that looks like me but actually isn't, live out my life for me. It's a strange thing to watch your own life in detatchment, and to be a spectator in your own life.

I so want to gig in a rock band at the moment, I have a marshall amp, and an Ibanez JS-100, but it's no fun on your own. Last year when I felt like this, at least I had a band to take my frustration out on, now I haven't even got that. I feel like Jonah the Moaner at the end of his book, saying "it's not fair!". Yeh, and please don't remind me what God said to him about the withered plant, I know the ending. I know I should be thankful for things, but I feel so hurt at the moment I know what I should do but I can't do it. And all the time, I'm supposed to carry on leading worship in church every week. Every time I get up there at the front I feel like a total hypocrite.

God, what do you WANT from me?!