Following On...

...from my earlier post and the really kind comments mdmh, megan and sarah have left, I'd like to say thank you.

I'd like to go into details and explain, but suffice it to say the girl I love, (and I'm not afraid to say that, though that would probably frighten her as we were only seeing each other a short time) made it very clear through an email and a letter that she didn't want to hear from me again, as she gave the impression I'd come across as a needy person.

You know the type. They drain you emotionally and exhaust you mentally because they never seem to be happy with anything, and constantly want to take from you. Well when I did attempt to write to her, it all came out jumbled because of the strength of my feelings and my desperation to get her back.

I'm flattered that people have said I write well, but the truth is, if it's something emotional, I find it very difficult to express. It's like an emotional writers block I guess. Or it could be because I'm a very "closed" person, I only let certain people "in" who I know well.

Anyway, I wrote her a letter at the time immediately afterwards, and it was long and rambling, trying to explain every emotional minutae of my mind at the time, and the reason I'd been so stupid.

Her response was that she was sorry that I was so mixed up at that moment, but that she couldn't deal with my problems, only I could, and she didn't want to hear from me again.

I've respected that, and I don't feel even now, that I can break that.

That's why I feel so awkward once or twice a year when she comes back home to visit her parents and we bump into each other, because it's just a token "hi" for politeness, and as much as I try to please people I can't stand politeness as a way of avoiding something. So I just run. Run away from it, camoflaging my feelings and ending up being despreately sad at what I threw away, making me appear (even though I don't think I am) this needy person around her.

Anyway, sorry to go on, that's a brief explanation.

Sometimes you don't get second chances, and you can't break people's perceptions of you, no matter what the actual reality is.