To Pee Or Not To Pee...

Well, it's reached that stage.

The stage where I have to stop pretending I don't have M.S. and face the facts.

It's funny, when you have a relatively mild form of MS like I do, with only occasional muscle spasms, a lot of tiredness (as opposed to fatigue which I KNOW is different, because I've experienced it!) and occasional annoying things like facial ticks, it's easy to just lie to yourself that nothing really is wrong with you, that injecting yourself everyday with copaxone is a normal occurence, but then something happens.

I've had problems for the last year or so with my waterworks and bowel movements, (gee don't I sound like a 180 years old or something!) and even now just typing this out makes me writhe with awkwardness inside, but it's a problem I tried to ignore and just get on with, that has got increasingly more frustrating and embarassing. For the past six months I've been seeing MS nurses and Continence nurses, learning neutral terms like "leakage" to discuss issues and situations I've found myself in occasionally that are not horrific, but certainly embarrassing.

The problem is, they've become a bit more frequent than just occasionally, and after months and months of me putting it off I've got an appointment next week at the Continence Clinic to teach myself ISC. This means Intermittent Self-Catheterisation, maybe two or three times a week, and in layman's terms for those of you out there not familiar, involves sticking a tube up areas that have never seen the light of the sun.

As a male, apparently it's alot easier process to go through, but takes a lot longer tubing for obvious reasons. (why can I not hide a male ego based grin when I type that? - I wish! heh! ) I've watched the video, with reactions between mild horror and faint amusement at my Dad's reaction when he merely looked at the diagrams, (I saw him physically recoil and say in a loud voice "oh son, no! no!") and I'm now mentally ready to start learning the process.

Comments made in an understanding way like, "it might hurt the first time, and when you get to the Sphincter muscle before the bladder, pushing it through that might hurt alot and you might pass out" didn't exactly help my enthusiasm for this treatment, but needs must.

I've decided to approach this in a scientific, cold, emotionless manner, much like a boy looking at a small bug under a microscope would. (please don't draw any conclusions from the microscope comment - Ed) Whether this approach will be successful, or whether I will run screaming like a 12 year old girl from the room, remains to be seen.

I guess most guys wouldn't have a problem flopping out their member in front of a female nurse, but I'm a little different that way, it will be a highly embarassing situation and thoughts of a sexual nature will be the last thing on my mind when I attempt to stick a tube up.... actually never mind the description, I feel nauseous just thinking about it!

Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to it, but I know it will be better for me in the long run, and hopefully be a relief in more ways than one. When I first started injecting copaxone, more than two years ago now, it felt very strange and alien, I guess this is just the same. All part of the "fun" and crazy journey of MS.

Well, those of you who do, please say a prayer for me on Wed 26th at approx 9:10 am GMT, I'd appreciate it...

An Extremely Nervous Guy.