Dunkage.

Probably the best activity known to modern man in the western world.

A steaming hot cup of tea, a digestive biscuit - eternal happiness in the space of a few seconds...

Let's celebrate, people.

Trains, Plains, and Embarrassment!!

The train is the one I was on this morning to get to work.

The plain in my title, is the plain fact that you cannot serve the commuters of Liverpool on the ormskirk line at morning rush hour, with just a 3 carriage train. MiseryRail, er sorry I mean Merseyrail, (my train provider) have obviously not used their astounding brain power and worked this out yet.

The Embarassment?

Well....

We were unceremoniously packed in like sardines, every person for themselves in a mad dash for personal space, but ending up each with a personal space of about 1cm between you and the person next to you. Standing up, this is even more uncomfortable as, depending on the person next to you, various body parts can smother or poke you at various times as people struggle to get on or off the train.

Unfortunately this situation can be even more worsened if you happen to be 5 foot 2 and lacking in height, making you at precisely the right vantage point for the excruciatingly bizzarre and embarrassing "eye to boob" ratio. Okay, I know most lads couldn't dream of a better situation in their wildest wet dreams, but I am not most men!!

My personal space is my inalienable right as a British Citizen, and I don't care what body part is in my face or how attractive, just get it THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!

Sorry. *calms down now and stops hyperventilating*

I love my personal space, and unless I am fond of the person I'm standing next to/talking with/sitting with/lounging on a couch with, then I adhere it to it religiously...

Even more than the Bible...

I mean it people.

So I was quite relieved to get to work today, a sentiment I don't usually share!!

The moral of this story?

If you find yourself tightly packed in a train on a cold day, and you are, let's say vertically challenged...

Wear eye protection, otherwise you might just lose an eye...

Happiness Is...

1. feeding my 7 month old nephew with his bottle, and feeling him fall asleep in my arms
2. knowing that even though I'm wearing white socks with black trousers for work today, (cardinal sin apparently) they are hidden from sight because I'm wearing my boots :p
3. the realisation that I don't have to prove myself to anyone, 'cos God thinks I'm great already :)
4. having a laugh and general silliness on my radio show tonight, something I can do and put together on my own, and feel pride in :)
5. knowing it's my day off tommorrow!!
6. finding friends of a similar worldview, that encourage you that you're not alone
7. finding out some of my online friends are now joining the blogging world!!! yaaaaaaaaaay!!
8. organic strawberry ice cream :p
9. planning a holiday
10. the excitement of knowing I have no idea how this day will turn out!!

What's Yours?

hehe!

Decision point.

Ok, I know I wore my heart on my sleeve here, but I've decided it's time to move on.

After a lot of thought, I've decided that "the one" is someone you choose to love, not some magical thing that happens before you get to know someone, or an instantaneous thing.

I am a hopeless romantic at heart, but I believe your heart can be intelligent also, and choose who it wants to give itself to, that it's not a helpless animal, at the mercy of "the one", else we'd all be in a mess!!

So, apologies for the sentimentality, but I'm moving on. I will pray that she is happy and finds someone, but my opportunity was missed and yes it's sad, but it doesn't have to be end of the world. I am my own person, and if I'm not content with my own company, I'm not gonna be content with anyone else!!

Sermon over. (!)

Anyway, today is Bank Holiday Monday here in the UK, hence no work, (yay!) and I slept in until about 11:30 and have generally lazed about all day and done domestic things like washing, etc.

About an hour ago I decided to catch up on my friends blogs, some of whom I haven't read for literally months!! (I know, I know, I'm a bad person...) Well, that is taking me a long time, as I've obviously missed a heck of a lot!!

So I have to mention one thing...

Sarah mentioned in her blog a very important date. (I know I usually call you vj, and we havent spoken for months, but if you read this, I'm not being overly cheeky, it's just you said you preffered your "real" name...)

I have a plan, which I can't reveal at the moment, literally for legal reasons, (thought that would perk your interest lol) BUT if I can get the right price, and the right holiday dates... I may be meeting a few bloggers sometime over those few days...

Hopefully, Megan and Arty will be on the schedule...

(I still find it immensly funny that most of the bloggers I know are women lol)

I will be meeting Benny at the usual annual christianchat meetup at Alton Towers on 5th May, along with others. (U.K.) Should be a fun day :)

I'll keep everyone posted....

*bubbles with excitement*

Anyhow, bye for now!!

The key.

I can't get in.

The sight that is so familiar to me, my place of entrance, the access to my heart, my home, is now blocked.

Shut out, refused entry to the place of warmth and security, I know there is nothing else to do.

So I sit.

I feel the warm bricks against my back and I close my eyes. I know within my grasp is the security I have known and loved, but my way is blocked. I feel a thousand thoughts rush through my mind, things I could do, options open to me, ways to access that which I hold dear.

Instead I sit, and I wait.

"Be pateient". -

I hear Your whisper, and I know You're right. No expulsion of emotion, no tantrum will solve this problem, no idea or tool will help me. Instead, i obey Your instruction.

So I wait, and listen.

I feel the warm sun on my face, the gentle breeze on my cheek, and a thousand voices raised in the trees singing and calling praise to Your Name.

In this moment, in this time, in this space...

I am Yours and You are mine.

No words need be said, no touch need be given, for I feel You more real and more imminent than even myself, Your whisper of love for me is heard in the breeze.

I am content.

Here in this place, in this interruption, You break in and enfold me, and I am undone. No one loves me like You, no one understands me like You, and there no-one I want more than You.

This day, this celebration, is for You.

This mistake You changed, to opportunity, to know the depth of Your love for me.

This Day I rejoiced with others, in You, I rejoiced that you defeated Death, but I rejoice more that You have defeated my death. The death of all needs and longings, to be replaced by a desire for You. This warm contentment, I will know again someday, and on that Day I will see You face to face. No breeze will communicate Your touch, no sunshine will bring Your warmth, instead, Your hand will brush my face, Your embrace will flood me with warmth as it is now. On that Day, we will speak as lovers reunited, and I will feel Your kiss on my forehead, Your breath on my cheek, bringing me closer and closer to You.

They've arrived.

This moment, this space with You is over now, but I know I will return to this place again.

You've given me access.

This made me giggle!! Hee Hee!!!

Leaving & Losing?!

It's 1:44 pm on Friday afternoon, and I'm sitting here pondering my faith. Strangely enough, it's not my trust in God I'm doubting/struggling with, but my faith in other people's presentation of Him...

I sat in church this morning in our Good Friday service and listened to a sermon, all of which I essentially agreed with, but the way it was presented and taught I struggled with.

I've been brought up in a Baptist church all my life, and I would say that I'm a Christian with baptist tendencies, and am proud of that, but over the last two years I've become a bit uncomfortable with the "delivery" of the message by some people.

It's a subject I struggle with, because I'm not claiming to be any sort of a preacher or teacher, but I've found myself regularly sitting in church now thinking "what would someone of no/an alternative faith make of this message?" and the answer I got back in my ponderings has disturbed me. Whenever I hear people preach at the moment, there seems to be an almost "ranting" quality in their voice, as if they're trying to whip ur agreement to what they're saying, or as if being a Christian is about living certain principles out and assenting to a list of doctrines and making a distinction between "us" and "them".

I wonder regularly what Jesus in the flesh would make of my church's service if he turned up. A rough-looking man with a middle-eastern accent sitting at the back of the church. Hmmmm... That would raise a few eyebrows I'm sure.

Yet, I'm not slagging off my church, they're a lovely bunch of kind-hearted people and I'd not be the person I am today without the investment of their lives in mine. It's just that I don't think I would call myself a fundamentalist anymore, and I'm struggling with how to express that to others.

I don't think that preaching has to be about convincing others of an argument, I think it should be about trying to bring people to a place where they think about whether God is/can be/should be a part of their lives.

For me, being a Christian is now about knowing a Person, not agreeing to a set of principles, and for many people in my church that seems (?) to be antagonistic. It's not that they don't love Jesus, it's just that they're so caught up in talking about Him, that they've forgotten what it is to spend time with Him. (wow that sounds harsh!)

What I mean is that I spend time with jesus in every moment, I know that will sound wierd to some people, but I don't have to do something religious to be around Him. I can chat to Him when I'm having a meal on my own, (ok in my own thoughts, otherwise I'd look really wierd lol) and at times when I'm sitting on a beach on my own I talk to Him out loud. Yes it's true I don't spend as much time with Him as He deserves, but I don'y see that I "have" to spend a certain amount of time with Him each day, because when in real life do you do that with people?

I mean seriously, do you sit down with your best friend/parent/partner/sibling and say "right, at precisely eight o'clock this morning I'm going to spend 30 mins talking to you, and then I'll have to go, until I see you tonight for ten before I go to sleep". I mean come on, unless you're a control freak, or have a seriously busy life, you just don't live like that. So why do we feel the need to as Christians? After 23 years on this "Fundamentalist Christian" bus, I feel the need to get off.

My problem is, what do I do? I just don't see things the way some of my friends and family do, but theres no point in leaving my church, because the people there really do love Jesus, I'm not arrogant enough to say they don't... we just have differing opinions, and see Him differently.

I just don't know what to do. I don't believe the point of being a Christian is converting people to an idea, or even a message, as one writer I read once said when he was talking about Jesus.. "I just make the introductions, the rest is up to Him". I honestly don't feel the need to force or cajole people into an opinion, or bring them to "a point", you don't do that when introducing the love of your life to your friends, so why do it with Jesus?

Maybe I'm just the heretic, though I don't feel like I am. I just want to live my life simply, and introduce people as and when, not forced into feeling guilty because I haven't "evangelised" anyone yet this week.

Another thing, why is so much of the language we use in our churches designed to separate "us" from "them"? I mean, we're all human beings arent we? You wouldn't be at a party with a group of friends and say "oh we can't talk to you, because you haven't met Nigel yet, you're different to us because you're Non-Nigels".

When you put it like that, it does sound kinda silly doesn't it? Or is that just me? Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying there's no difference between people who've met Jesus and people who haven't, but in a way I am. I just think that applying labels all the time isn't always helpful, because what it does do is make the people who "own" the label feel superior.

Yes, I have been brought up in the Christian faith, but I evntually chose jesus for myself, because I've met Him and He's the most unique wonderful person I know. That's it. No extra requirements, no fluffly doctrines, no religious jargon.

*sigh* I wish Christians would just be honest and open and transparent and not claim to have all the answers, but to just say what they know, that they've met Jesus and knowing Him is the greatest thing ever. Don't complicate it, don't "sex it up" or "spin" it, just say it, plain and simple.

I think too much, I've decided!

Knackered!!

Yes readers, I am cream-crackered, tired, goosed, wasted, worn-out, undone, and any other words to describe how you feel after only five hours sleep.

What brought on this bout of cruel insomnia I hear you ask?!

Well, womens issues and poo to be precise.

Before you click close on this browser window, I'd like to annotate the previous sentence by explaining that I was involved in a very humourous and very frank msn conversation last night with at the very least six other people, (it was a very large window in the end!!) and we were discussing how people read the Bible in a very scientific, and polite way, when the Bible is actually quite shocking and rude.

in particular I was delighted to point out that paul uses a commonly used swearword of his day in one passage, when he tries to describe his life before knowing Jesus, and also how isaiah uses sarcasm to point out the ridiculousness of bowing down to statues made of denser material (in both sense of the word!) than human beings....

Oh, yes, and there was the passage where Ezekiel describes a man's "bits" and compares them to a donkey's, and the passage where he describes all our efforts at trying to make God think we're great as "menstrual rags". Hmmmmm. niiiiice!!

I love people who express themselves and dont care about formality and politeness, and love even more the God who would rather die for us than live without us, and gives us this great Book.

Laters.....

*snorts more coffee*

(For The benefit Of Margo)

If you look down the left hand side of my blog, there are various quotes from different people. If you scroll down underneath that, there is a list of websites and bloggers I link to.

Aty's blog is in the list as is yours!!

Happy reading!!

:-)

I'd Just Like To Say Quickly...

...that I have my undies on the right way round today!!

That's it.

*coffs*

"Of Inside-Out Pants & The Power Of Paper"

Yes.

That's Right...

Today I discovered I am getting old. I went to the loo, and discovered that I had inadvertently put my underwear on inside out!! This was made quite clear since the label/band round the waist was inside out...

Oh dear.

Less haste, more speed getting dressed in the morning methinks.

It's not as if I was in a hurry, I mean I got to work ridiculously early today. I had to try and ressurect the till because I had killed it on Saturday by accident just before I left. By killed it, I mean there was no brain activity at all. I messed about on the keys, and... nothing.

Not a single blip or beep or even an electronic sigh.

Luckily, my boss came in and managed to fix it by unscrewing the whole thing, and putting it back together again, apparently it died because of a humble roll of paper had jammed. I'm glad he did because I have the DIY/pracical sskills of an arthritic fish when it comes to all things technical. The best I can do is stand there looking serious and frowning a lot when there's a problem that needs fixing. As in, really fixing.

Today was Month End day, and I had my usual task of changing my personality temporarily and becoming an accountant to do the Month End accounts. (no offense if you're an accountant reading this, but you're not exactly known for your spontaneity are you?) Anyway, I spent the next five hours of my day trawling through endless columns and speadsheets until the task was done. It actually bores the pants off me, (well not literally, otherwise I wudnt have discovered my inside-out pants problem would I!!) but I have to do it, so I just grit my teeth, take lots of tea and biscuits, and get on with it.

Oh, and on the subject of biscuits...

On saturday, Laura (the new saturday staff member) was challenged by me to see how many of Millie's Cookies she could get for a tenner, and I was quite impressed with the result! She came back with a box of 19 freshly baked cookies still warm, and told us the guy at the Cookie Counter didn't believe her at first when she asked him for a tenner's worth lol!

I decided that Emily (our current "been-here-a-year" saturday staff member) needed a more difficult challenge, and so gave her £2 and told her to go to Iceland, (the shop not the place!!) and see how many packets of biscuits she could get with it!!

I thought this quite a hard task but was duitifully proved wrong as she came back with FIVE packets of biscuits with a grin on her face lol! Needless to say we gave some of the cookies out to customers as we couldn't finish them all, and we'd already had a toasted teacake each for breakfast!! *sigh* I'm such a generous boss!!

I always try to have fun on a saturday, and food is usually part of the equasion as well!!

Sunday, was my mum's birthday, and after I got home from church in the morning, we went to the Toby Carvery, to have a HUGE roast dinner!! My brother s came as well, though my sister wasn't ready in time, so that was a sore point!! My bro came with his wife and brought my nephew Jacob :) Highlights of the meal were me making silly noises to keep Jacob entertained while everyone in the carvery laughed at me!! Huh! They're all critics!!

Well, that was my weekend, I hope you're all enthralled...

Following On...

...from my earlier post and the really kind comments mdmh, megan and sarah have left, I'd like to say thank you.

I'd like to go into details and explain, but suffice it to say the girl I love, (and I'm not afraid to say that, though that would probably frighten her as we were only seeing each other a short time) made it very clear through an email and a letter that she didn't want to hear from me again, as she gave the impression I'd come across as a needy person.

You know the type. They drain you emotionally and exhaust you mentally because they never seem to be happy with anything, and constantly want to take from you. Well when I did attempt to write to her, it all came out jumbled because of the strength of my feelings and my desperation to get her back.

I'm flattered that people have said I write well, but the truth is, if it's something emotional, I find it very difficult to express. It's like an emotional writers block I guess. Or it could be because I'm a very "closed" person, I only let certain people "in" who I know well.

Anyway, I wrote her a letter at the time immediately afterwards, and it was long and rambling, trying to explain every emotional minutae of my mind at the time, and the reason I'd been so stupid.

Her response was that she was sorry that I was so mixed up at that moment, but that she couldn't deal with my problems, only I could, and she didn't want to hear from me again.

I've respected that, and I don't feel even now, that I can break that.

That's why I feel so awkward once or twice a year when she comes back home to visit her parents and we bump into each other, because it's just a token "hi" for politeness, and as much as I try to please people I can't stand politeness as a way of avoiding something. So I just run. Run away from it, camoflaging my feelings and ending up being despreately sad at what I threw away, making me appear (even though I don't think I am) this needy person around her.

Anyway, sorry to go on, that's a brief explanation.

Sometimes you don't get second chances, and you can't break people's perceptions of you, no matter what the actual reality is.

Long Time No Post.

Yes I'm finally updating it.

To be honest, there hasn't seemed much point until now, till a stray thought of motivation graced my mind today.

It's Wednesday 28th March 2007 at 2:31 pm and I'm sitting here in my room at my desk, eating a cheese toastie and having a coffee, deciding whether I can afford to go to the cinema or not this afternoon.

I'm on my day off and I'm aimlessly spending the day as I always do, on my own.

I've just watched one of the most beautiful films I've seen in a long while, called "The Lake House" with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. It's a very clever, very romantic film, a re-make of an earlier one based on a book called "Patience".

I found myself low as usual after watching it, wanting the romantic fantasy to be a reality in my life, and since watching it, I can't escape the feeling of hopelessness that my life has become. You would think on the day that I took my bank to court over charges totalliing £3800 that I would be slightly more buoyant, but my low mood stems not from chronic debt, (which I'm in) but the death of hope in God, in myself, and in others. I realise this makes me sound like I'm dramtically at tipping point to do myself in, but I'm not that stupid now, I've been there before and it's not worth it.

Rather, it's a deep lonliness that leads to an even deeper sadness within me, I feel it every day that I awake, and every night I go to sleep, this gnawing hoplessness and regret.

Yes it's about a her.

I first met her over three years ago, and we immediately got on. Although there was an age gap, we seemed to connect as friends instantly and laughed at the same things, poked fun at the same people and she became a good friend. On my part there was always a tension, because I found her amazing and liked her for quite a while, but because of the age gap didn't have the courage to follow it up in anything beyond friendship. After she left where I work, (it was temporary) out of the blue she contacted me and I started writing to her as she had recently moved away on a year out.

I wrote to her quite a few times, about my friends (who were still here at the time and hadn't emigrated) about our mutual place of work and colleagues, and how everyone was doing, etc. I wrote about books I was reading, thoughts I had about the future, etc and to some extent let her in to the real me, including my chronic self-image.

In the security of not being face to face I admitted my feelings for her, and amazingly to me, she replied by inviting me down to holiday with her and her parents. Over that weekend, we got a chance to talk and she had been apparently throwing hints that I had not seen. We started going out, and although I was suffering from depression at the time, (I guess I still am actually) there were some of the happiest times of my life.

It had only been a few months, and when I went down for the weekend to visit her again, I picked up the wrong baggage from the coach and spent the week in one set of clothes until the coach company could trace the person whose bag I had, who had mine.

She was very busy in her job, and although I had come down especially for the week to see her, I only saw her a few times, which annoyed me and I reacted like the idiot I am and called it off.

I've regretted that ever since, because if you really want something, you should be prepared to wait for it, and be patient with everything that stands in your way and look for ways to work round it, but I didn't. My own personal impatience stormed through, and I wrecked something I know in my heart of hearts that could have been good.

I've had girlfriends before and after her, and to be honest, none of them were her. I've woken thinking about her on countless occasions and I wish it would go away. This film that I've watched makes me miserable, because it talks about second chances in love, and I wish that that were true in real life.

I know that she didnt want to hear from me, because she wrote me a letter, which I deserved because in the weeks that followed my calling it off, due to desperation at the choice I'd made, I did and said so many stupid things that hurt her.

That was two years ago now, and I still feel dreadful, teribble unresolved feelings coursing through my veins when I think about her. I think about her smile, her eyes, her laugh, and what it was like to kiss her, and I miss those times when we even just giggled together.

My boss knows her mum and dad, and occasionally I get to hear things about how she's doing, and it tears me apart because even if I knew where she lived (which I don't) I know she wouldn't want anything to do with me, and it's been two years. I have bumped into her a couple of times, but there's an awkwardness on my part that must come across as not wanting to be around her, although it's actually because I regret the decision I made, not because I find being around her something horrible.

Lost love is tragic, especially when it was yourself that could have prevented it.

There's a nice post for you.

I feel terrible today.

:(