Knackered.

It's been a longggggggg week.

I feel like I should get a medal for getting through this week, though what I achieved in terms of results or tasks completed is not really that much more than an average week.

It's just felt alot harder to do this week.

Stretching ahead of me in a yawning threatening way, (much like my mouth at the moment) is another very busy week, with a major Conference all next weekend to work at. Part of me is looking forward to it, as there's a great comradery between the staff when we do an event like this, and you always feel you've gotten to know people better when you've eaten with them and slept in the same accomadation as them. The other part of me is dreading the long hours on the bookstall, though as long as I take it easy this next week, I should be ok for it.

So, tommorrow is a chance to relax and recharge before the coming week assaults my senses once again in a blinding flurry of activity. Every Sunday should be like that I guess. (No, not a flurry of activity; I meant the recharging thing)

Today was fairly busy in the shop, but to be honest I didn't make much of an effort, I was too tired and unmotivated. Tonight I shall relax, and maybe blog a bit more and watch tv and listen to music; not world shattering events generally, but piecing-together activities for me as I ready myself to join with other people in re-connecting and recharging with God tommorrow.

Hoping that you get chance to do that to, whoever you are.

WARNING: Sloppy/Cheesy Post: I'm Becoming Domestic...

It's my day off, I was fed up, but have found the perfect remedy!!

I've just cleaned down all the worktops in the kitchen, scrubbed them, disinfected them, cleaned them with anti-bacterial cleaner, washed them again, unloaded the dishwasher, put stuff away and then cleaned the oven top with special hob cleaner.

It works wonders!!

I now feel like I've actually done something worthwhile today, and the kitchen is sparkling!!

I'm now gonna go and put some more washing on, and go and see if I can get it dried before going to my brothers tonight with Mum and Dad to babysit!!

All this because Mum and I had an emotional moment earlier on, when she talked about when we were little and I felt guilty about not doing enough round the house lol. She's been cleaning the bathroom today, and I was making her lot's of cups of coffee and chatting before I got stuck in to cleaning myself!!

It's been a good day, I don't soend enough time talking to my parents, and enjoying the relationship we have now that I'm older.

I love my mum, I don't say it or demonstrate it enough.

More.

Ok so I've answered my own question.

I went on the uk Multiple Sclerosis Society homepage, and found a section about emotional symptoms of m.s.

This seems to fit what I'm experiencing at the moment. I'm not a doctor so I could be wrong, but I think I might make an appointment to try and discuss it.

Guess I'd better avoid the chick flicks for a while!

At least I know I'm not going insane, last Saturday I went to see Click with Richard, and had to pull myself in hard emotionally before I became a wreck!! Part of the film is moving, but I could feel myself beginning to sob openly in the cinema, and it was way embarrassing and totally over the top compared to the actual content of the film!!

Oh well, we'll see what the "experts" have to say...

Maybe I'm just a big girl's blouse!!!

Rants & Questions...

I'm a bit fed up today.

It's my day off and I have no money to do anything or go anywhere, and my trip to the C.A.B. this morning was a complete waste of time. I got there early, and was told that "only people with appointments can be seen today". It didn't say that on their website, which really pee'd me off. So, I still have these forms and I still have to wait.

This is the third time I've been to try and get help filling in these forms, and the third time I've been turned away. I'm starting to get a little peeved. How am I supposed to claim for benefit when I don't understand the gibberish that it's written in, and how they want it phrased?

I'm gonna go back on Monday because I have another day off then because I'm working all of next weekend. Apparently Monday is a drop-in day, so if I'm prepared to get there early and sit around I can see someone then.

Anyone who knows anything about m.s. can I ask a question?

This may sound stupid, but bear with me. I know about physical symptoms, and I know about cognitive symtoms in m.s, but has anyone heard of emotional symptoms? Only reason I'm asking is because I have become a lot more emotional lately, and I have literally been ready to burst into tears at the slightest thing, which is not really like me. I have just about managed to control it, but I've had really strange moments over the past year where I've been welling up over the most stupid of things.

I know for the ladies you can have the time of the month to effect ur emotional state via hormones, but is there a connection in m.s. between the disease and emotional states?

If I'm being stupid thinking this, please be blunt, I'm not normally one of those people that sees a symptom over every little cold...

Can someone help me out here?

*sigh*

I've got another water infection.

I get them on a regular basis, about every 5 weeks or so, and it looks like another one has come round....

Again.

It feels like I'm trying to pee razor blades at the moment.

It'll be back to the docs for some more antibiotics and the usual drink plenty of water and cranberry juice.

Also I was slurring some of my words today, and three times I forgot what i was doing and went completely blank, no recall, nothing. I had to stand there looking stupid until I'd figured out what I'd been doing the previous couple of seconds beforehand by trying to find clues.

These are all very minor symptoms, but theyre a warning that I've pushed myself a bit too much this week, and that I need to slow down a bit. It's only when I'm tired that I tend to get the really annoying ones, like sudden pain right down my legs an arms, and numbness and pins and needles so bad that I can't stand up and support my weight on my legs, or even grip a cup in my hand. The muscle spasms in my legs are the worst, I've never been much of a dancer, but boy do those feet an legs move when that starts!! Lol.

I'm so glad it's my day off tommorrow....

Nite.

Stress Reducer...

Can I reccomend listening to Handel's Messiah at a fairly loud volume with a fresh cappuchino?

It works wonders.

I got most of my work done, only the actual Branch Sales Report to type up now and send to my boss on Monday, so I'll do that tommorrow on my day off. (I brought home all the paperwork and statistics, but it's fairly easy and only takes about 40 mins to do).

I've got a fairly busy day tommorrow, it's my day off but I've finally got around (after three years of denial lol) to getting a Disability Living Allowance claim form. My m.s. isn't too bad at the moment, but I have definitely noticed a slight deterioration in my health from 3 years ago, so am trying to be realistic and get on the benefits ladder now so that it'll be easier later on.

I've struggled a bit with it in my mind, because I know I'm not as bad as some people are; I've still got a full time job at the moment and am not in a wheelchair and can still walk basically fine, in fact if you saw me in the street you probably wouldn't guess I have m.s, but it's when I overdo it I get symptoms, and when I'm really tired I get muscle spasms and limp slightly and all sorts of other not very nice things!!

I do feel a bit guilty about putting a claim in, but my parents have told me I should investigate whether Im entitled to anything, and because I'm on a very low paid job I could do with the extra money to be honest!!

I've never been one to sack off work or be a blagger, so it makes me feel a bit guilty to be claiming at all, but I guess there's a lot of people who claim it that shouldn't.

I'm going to the Citizen's Advice Bureau tommorrow morning to see if they can help me fill it in, how I should word it, etc as I haven't really got a clue and it's a bit daunting!!

I'll let you know how I get on and whether I managed to fill the form in at all lol

Well that's enough of my incredibly exciting life for now; (lol)

Be blessed!

Something to ponder...

God uses Love to work through, not Force.

So as disciples, we should be working through the power of love, not the love of power.

It's not about forcing people into anything, it's about loving them, 'cos God treats us like that.

Hmmmmm....

The Power Of Love, that reminds me of a Huey lewis & The News song lol

How To Raise Your Heartrate In One Morning...

Excuse me a moment...

"AAARRGGGHHHHH!!!!!"

Aaaah... that's better.

I am sooooo stressed at the moment, it's just untrue.

So many demands on my time and energy in work, and so much re-prioritizing as new requests from Accounts, I.T, my staff, and customers come in. I've been doing this job for nearly nine years now, and I don't remember many times ever as being this pressured.

This morning I had countless emails back and forth from accounts trying to sort out formulae in an excel spreadsheet version of the cashing up forms we use. It's a new system only introduced yesterday, and there were a few errors. the countless frustration of back and forth, filling in figures then sending back again until we get a result is really frustrating.

This is interupting the task I already had for today which was to finish off all the month end accounts that I do each month. I started the process on Tuesday, and have still not finished yet!!

On top of that, I had requests from I.T. asking all shops to reply to a p.c. audit that has to be done today as a deadline, and also to install some new software that again has to be done today! I'm trying to find extra volunteers for a bookstall at a conference all next weekend, and I have a list of customer orders that need researching, plus a list of tasks my boss left me to complete by the end of this week!! (he's on holiday using up leave he hasn't been able to take until now) The problem is, it's my day off tommorrow, and although I'm in on Saturday, that tends to be our busiest day, so I'm ending up pushing myself today to get all these tasks done so that I can have a breather tommorrow...

I hope there's more to life than this, I really do.

My stress levels are actually presenting themselves physically in terms of minor symptoms, (for those who don't know, M.S. as a disease tends to not cope well with stress) but I can't relax, I have to get these tasks done! Technically it's my lunch hour now, but I've forced myself to sit down at the computer and journal this to do something different.

I'm off to listen to my ipod for half an hour, for those of you who do, please pray that I will get everything done today and not be too ill as a result of all this stress.

*sighs*

Progress?

It's always meant to be a good thing:

• it's the virtue that drove the common people from farming to the mills in the Industrial Revolution
• it inspired Newton and Galileo to look beyond the Church's narrow definition of a flat earth ruled by God in a hierarchical system bound by rules
• it always results in change
• it tries to be forward looking as an attitude

Today in our generation it seems that progress is a good word, one that conjures up positive responses and attitudes from people. As soon as the temptation to look at "the good old days" rears its head, this little word is thrown in and all plaintive cries are extinguished. It's the reason we are where we are now we hear.

Well, how about in a different context?

• to the cancer sufferer it means more treatments and possibly fatal news
• to the ms sufferer it means another level of coping with limits
• to the third world mother, it means someone else thousands of miles away eats while her children starve

It's funny because today we attribute generally good qualities with this word, but to me it's not that simple. Life isn't about progressing very often, sometimes it's about survival and holding on, and the type of people who talk about progress usually are searching for something.

The irony is that nine times out of ten what they're searching for is not something that is constantly in flux, no, that would be awful. That would be like trying to grab hold of sand and feeling it drain through your fingers.

They're looking for something to depend upon. Something to be stable enough to rely on and have certainty, yet still have that freshness that comes with the "newness" of a thing.

The Bible talks about Jesus being the same "yesterday, today and forever", and for me that's the reason why following Him is so attractive. He is with us in our past, our present and our future. Because of this, he can work in our past to bring good in the present, that will ultimately make us better people in the future. And he sees it all, both what we were, what we are, and what we will become, so He has a whole perspective of us as a person that we could never have.

He doesn't judge us for how we were, because he see what we are now. He doesn't judge us for how we are now, because He sees what we will be. He sees what we will become, and He knows what has happenned to make us that way.

Once you grasp such an idea, it's hard not to be grateful. When God judges, He is fair, because He has the ultimate perspective, and we don't. We rush to judge, and decide, but God doesn't. He is patient, and takes everything into account because He sees it all. Maybe we should remember that more often.

Is progress a good thing?

Maybe. Maybe not.

One thing I know, to God it's an opportunity to move our future a bit closer to us.

Bleeeuuurrrgh!!

Yuck.

It's been a busy day, not just one of those days that is filled with busyness, but one of those days where busyness seems to fill you, to posess you, to act like a drug that completely overwhelms all your senses and leaves you at the end of it feeling exhausted and empty and lacking.

The combination of that, and as a result of my stress levels being the highest I can remember for a long time, I've decided to avid the internet and msn and chatting online tonight. I've decided rather to get a book I've been meaning to read for a while, and to just curl up on my couch, the home-made hazlenut cappuchino, my book and I, and just indulge my mind for a night, alone with my own thoughts and questions.

I think confucious got it right:


“No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find time for reading, or surrender yourself to self-chosen ignorance”

Tonight I'm choosing not to be ignorant.

Goodnight.

Not Vanity... Practicality!!

I can't use this as my profile pic until I have a url for it, so here goes...!!

National Curry Week!!!

That's right you heard it here!!

This week is, (or was should I say?) National Curry Week, and all over the western world we celebrated the good 'ole curry. I shall be partaking myself tonight, I'm going round to a friend's from church with a few others, and we are getting a HUGE takeout to stuff ourselves with. We'll probably regret it in the morning...

Apparently scientists have discovered that curry has addictive properties, well not to be funny, but I could have told you that due to 15 plus years of curry experience!!

A curry fact: Did you know that the most popular curry in Britain, the Chicken Tikka Masala, was actually invented for the British in India? Us brits couldn't cope with the spiciness and heat of the local's fayre, (tikka) so they added a cooling ingredient.... Yoghurt!

And thus Tikka Masala was invented!! (the Masala bit is the yoghurt)

There you go, I've bored myself!!

Those of you who don't like Spicy food will be glad to know this week also is National Eating Out Week as well, so go and eat!! If you're like me, and eating out is a luxury you can rarely afford, go an get some junk food and enjoy it!! Sometimes the simplest pleasures in life like good unhealthy greasy food are what makes it all seem worthwhile!!

So go on, get that takeout menu, and go order!! If you're not cooking it, technically it's eating out!!

Ok enough for now, I have curry to go eat.....

Broadening Horizons

Wow what a busy day I'm having!!

I've got through several parcels of stock, priced and ready to put out; (I'll get the staff to do that - hey that's what staff are for!!) I've sorted out my Boss's wireless broadband problems on his laptop temporarily with a network cable plugged directly into the router; I've served customers, sorted out a tasks priority for the rest of the day for the staff, talked about a major bookstall we're doing for a conference next month, all before lunch!!

Now I'm going to go and sit down and listen to podcasts on my ipod and close my eyes for an hour...

I've been regularly downloading quite a few, mainly preaching/teaching, but due to comments left here, I've discovered two new ones:

1. Multiple Sclerosis Podcast - Todd & Kim present this (Kim has MS, Tood is the hanger on! lol joking!) and it's a really good listen, and I've found it very useful so far... Check out Larry The Lesion!! lol

2. MSBPODCAST - very good and funny as well, a mix of music and discussion/news/personal reflections on dealing with MS everyday

Both of these you can subscribe to using I-Tunes and many other podcast service providers, go and check them out!

I don't normally talk about MS much, mainly because I've been diagnosed nearly four years now and have what i would consider quite a mild form, i.e. at the moment I'm still working full time and am on Copaxone. Most of my symptoms I either ignore because they're so trivial, or I just get on with. I haven't had a lot of connection with other people with MS to be honest, partly due to living in denial, (lol) but also partly because for me the more I talk about it, the more I worry about the future.

Actually, I think most of it's still denial lol.

When I was first diagnosed, I actually enquired about local MS groups, but most of them were full of older people, or at least people with an older view of life, if you know what I mean. Maybe it's a sign of my generation, but I tend to keep myself to myself, even when it results in depression, which now that I type it seems a bit silly.

Hmmm...

That made me think.

I hate it when I do that to myself!!

Anyway this post has been far too long running without a point, so I will end it here!!

Update...

yeh I know it's been a while...

Ok here goes:

I've been very busy with work and too tired and fed-up to blog of late. I'm already thining "bah humbug" and it's only the end of october. I hate the build up to christmas when I'm working in a shop, it seems to spoil it all somehow, and I'm getting a bit cynical, even though I work in a Christian Bookshop.

We seem to be overloaded with parcel after parcel of christmas stuff, most of that I can only describe as "kitch". I'm working as hard as I can to clear parcels, and then another lot comes. I'm so tired I can hardly think, and being in charge is getting tiring. So much to do, so little time has not only become my catchprhase, in terms of work, it's my life at the moment.

Outside of work, I'm quite happy. I've been busy practising for a concert that we actually had on Saturday, to raise funds for Operation Christmas Child/Samaritan's Purse, who distribute the shoeboxes for kids. It actually went really well, and all of us felt a sense of God being there on the night, so it was cool. We managed to raise over £300, and totalled with the car boot sale, and coffee mornings, etc we had, we've now got over £600 to give them, which I'm really happy about.

My sister got third place in the Urban Idol competition, which we were all really pleased about (including her) and also she got a heck of a lot of media coverage in the local papers, which means that she'll probably have more opportunities to sing now, which is great! We're all really proud of her.

I've been over to belfast for a few days to see my family, as I had leave to use up, and that was great. I may post some photos when I've got more time, of my uncle and my new cousin, little Samuel!! It was really good to re-connect with my family, and spend alot of time with my grandparents, who I really do look up to. (mum's parents; dad's dad died when i was young and his mum when i was a bit older, but i don't remember much about them) I realised when I flew back from northern ireland how much I miss them, and it really encouraged me to get to know my spiritual and natural heritage through them. Swapping stories of when my mum and aunt and uncles were little, talking about my granny and grandads younger years and the struggles they had trying to provide for their family, really made me feel part of something, that I haven't felt in a long time.

And on the faith front, things are a bit stirred up at the moment, as God is giving me a very clear message of where he wants my life to head, I've just got to figure out how I get there and pay off my debt first. I've been very very challenged by God lately, and challenged that I know what he wants me to do, now I've just got to go and do it.

Anyhow, will write again when I've got more time...