Coming along nicely thankyou... "...what are you lookin' at??!..."

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Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

I Hate being male in the summer!!!!!

I dunno about anybody else, (males I'm talking to obviously) but does the distinct wearing of less clothing by females at this time of year drive you nuts??

Yeh, yeh I know we're hard wired that way to look without thinking, most girls are just wearing stuff cos it's cooler and more practical in some ways... but sheeeeeeeesh!!

I've seen more sights to make my eyes pop out my head today than for ages!!

Ok at this point I'd like to be blunt.

I've never really had a problem with masturbation controlling me, etc, once you've had "the real thing", that's kinda like childish, so I've never really struggled with the urge myself.... (I know that's generally unusual for a bloke to admit, and it's a struggle for many) but my thought life.....

That's a different matter!!!

How the hell am I supposed to keep my thoughts clean and try to follow God when I have an in-built god-damn-annoying-genetic-propensity for the "corner of the eye look"??!

Come on guys, you know what I'm talking about. Hot day, lot's of babes walking around in tee tops, strappy tops, whatever. They're doing normal things, not trying to be sexy or seductive, but just the very fact they're wearing less makes you look. and not just look, but notice. For those who don't know, noticing involves not just looking at someone, but noticing their shape. You notice the shape of their body, and that gets you thinking about what's underneath the top, skirt, etc. Worse than that, for some reason, any other time you have the reactions and eye co-ordination of a dead octogenarian fish, but in summer, you can notice a woman reaching for something on the floor wearing a strappy or low cut top a mile away!!

I know it makes me sound like a perv, but you really can't help it. It's so damn annoying, especially if you're lonely and single anyway. Everytime a girl walks past you like the look of, you have to take another glance, another mental camera shot. And the worst thing is, sometimes you don't know you're doing it.

Spare a thought for guys my height! I know girls joke about blokes talking to their chests, but that's a reality for me everday simply because of my height, so it's far worse in the summer! I really do try and keep eye contact, and 90% of the time i do, but there's that 10% when ur eyes get lazy.........

Girls you can wear what you like, I'm not saying it's your fault, it's not. It's a guys brain that's the problem. Summertime I hope most guys would agree is the worst time to be a Christian, 'cos there's so much more noticeable "eye candy" around. Sometimes I end up walking everywhere with my head down, it gets so bad. I did that tonight walking home from work, and nearly walked into a lamp-post!! lol

It's so frustrating, (I DON'T mean in that sense! lol) to try and follow God and yet be surrounded by opportunities to "look".

Am I alone in this?

I don't like to think so, but you never know with freakish me.... ;) lol

As a result of boredom/stress/depression and lonliness...

I've decided to grow a goatee.

Yes, yes, I know on most people they look stupid, unless you're extra cool, but I've decided to have a go anyway... It'll either look like a dead rat hanging off my face, a pathetic attempt of agressive growth of very mild bum-fluff, or it'll look like Im a 5ft villain who kicks ass...

Only time will tell.... !!

I'll wait and see how it develops, if I think it looks really stupid by the end of next week, I'll shave it off.

*toasts* Here's to being male an being creative with ur face!!

Cheers!!

Evidence No. 4....

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Evidence No. 3.....

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Evidence No. 2....

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Evidence No. 1......

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Rest Day....

I'm having a day off leading worship and going to church today...

My energy levels have been really low this week, I needed to recharge my batteries.

So, I've been sitting around in my dressing gown and a pair of boxers all day, feeling very relaxed and lazy!!

I've just decided I'd probably better go get a shower, as I probably am very smelly at this stage of the day, being unwashed an all!! I've been reading John Grisham, and then watching some episodes of Star Trek Enterprise, and also listening to lots of loud rock and metal music.... Later I'm gonna go for watching the whole Matrix Trilogy in one go....

Definitely celebrating my maleness today!! :p

I Luuuuuuurve Electric Guitar!!

Despite the very intense, difficult week I've had, I'm feeling a bit better tonight.

I've just watched 'School Of Rock' and thouroughly enjoyed it!!!

I miss my electric guitar... I'm gonna get my marshall amp from church tommorrow afternoon and bring it home.... so i can ROCK!!! :p

Haven't played it in aaaaaaaaaages....

Gonna have to blow the cobwebs out I think.

There's something about screaming your head off above the noise of a heavily distorted guitar that's definitely therapeutic!!

Of fairies and elves...

I miss it.

When you were a kid, there were no such things as painful emotional entanglements with the opposite sex. You could just have fun, and not worry about the consequences. There were no bills to pay, no debt, no worries.

The world was a massive place full of adventures, just waiting for you to find them.

And the joy of discovery, about everything.... was fantastic!!!

I so miss that.

And yet that got me thinking that that is precisely what God wants our lives to be.

He is the creator, He is the God of all things new, and brings newness and another opportunity to live a day to the full, in every single sunrise.

Yet we often live as if the evil, sin and negative in the world outweighs the bad, as if, somehow the circumstances of our day, either good or bad, effect our belief in a loving God.

God is truly Good, and He is Love.

We just need the faith to grasp that when it's hard!

I've just watched Peter Pan, and Lord Of The Rings. It's amazing that God speaks through a kids film, through a fairy story, through a fantasy. But maybe that's the best way, maybe that's the onl;y way God has ever spoken truly, in using stories of good triumphing over evil, of hope overcoming loss, of suffering being worth it in the end.

God constantly used amazing, indescribable things to capture the hearts and minds of his people through the prophets. He revealed Himself to be a God who is desperate to communicate his message of Love to his people. He'll do anything a parent would to direct their child in the right direction: encouragement, threats, discipline, a tough love that will always be pushing them on, encouraging them to reach forward... How does paul describe it?

^{Phillipians 3:12} I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be. ¹³ No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be,?^*? but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.?^*?

*

Holy Bible : New Living Translation. 1997 (Php 3:11). Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House.

Perhaps when we were kids, we were in some ways a little closer to that truth, because we had the hope, the faith, to believe without seeing, to push on regardless. Perhaps that's why some of us love fairy stories and fantasies so much. There's so much in the world that claims to "tell it like it is", in depressing and mournful terms, that tells us we're not what we should be, could be or would be. It's the attitude that tells us that it's always been this way, and it always will be. Story and fantasy and fairy tale point us to something better, something else. They are a mirror into what's really going on all around us, if we could only peel back the layers of this world, to see God behind the scenes, saving, redeeming, rescuing, making all things new!!

He has won, death is defeated, sin has no claim on this world, but He claims each of us as His Victory Prize!!

:-)

Phrases...

Just as an aside...

I've used the phrase "I crapped myself" loads of times, but I'll never use it again now I know what it's really like....

Lol.

(I can see the funny side of it now Kat, you're right!)

:-)

Sigh Of Relief...

Well, been to see the Ms Nurse today, and she thinks it was an unfortunate one-off.

The fact that I couldn't hold it was as a result of the MS, because you're bladder/bowel/kidney functions do become affected apparently, in that your control is lessened as the nerve pathways are affected by the disease...

HOWEVER...

The fact that I had really intense pain just beforehand is significant according to her. The pain was a sign that my body was rejecting something, or at the very least not working properly, but nothing to do with MS. People who start suffering from incontinence as a result of MS generally have no warning signs whatsoever... it just happens.

So they're keeping an eye on me, but hopefully it was a very unpleasant one-off.

I'm sooooo relieved.

Still on for London then!!

:-)

(p.s. am on a day off for those of you who were nosy/desperate enough to notice.... ;) )

Am off to eat very unhealthy food at Macs with my bro now.... First macs in over four months at least!!

I'm such a healthy eater!! :p

Today was the worst day of my life.

Today I soiled myself in public, and had no control over it whatsoever.

I had to get my dad to pick me up, I stood crying outside the station, getting as far away from people as I could, as it was running down my legs and out of my trousers onto my shoes. I smelt like a really old tramp when he's trodden in something. I've never been so humiliated. And I couldn't do a thing about it.

When I got home, I took a shower, and then threw out my work trousers, underwear and shoes, there was no point even trying to clean them up, they were filthy.

I sat up in my room, too upset to even put msn on, I just watched a dvd, and am off to bed now. My boss knows, as he was there at the time, but no-one else. I've been so depressed tonight, felt so alone. I have to go into work tommorrow, but will be taking a whole change of clothes in case it happens again. I hope not.

I'm going to see the doctor on friday. Maybe this is the final downward spiral to full MS that I've been fearing, it feels stupid to apply for London now.

I can't face anyone at the moment.

I'm off to bed.

time... the only commodity you can't buy!!!

It's 7:43p.m, and I've just realised the time.

That's really scary. All I did when I got in from work, (at 6:20) was get changed out of my work stuff, and then got sum tea and then went online.

All I've done was read blogs and post some of my own. That's it!!!

It's what I do every night, and even after five months of doing it, I'm still amazed that I'm not aware of the passing of time. I'll be on here 'till at least 10 O'clock, at which time I'll get a cup of coffee/tea/hot chocolate/horlicks and go read a book/listen to music/watch a film till about 12, then go to bed, ready to get up for work the next morning, to start all over again.

I'm an internet nerd with no friends. Lol that's really sad!!

I'm predictable and I'm not even 31 yet.... Lol

Oh dear!!