Watch This Space...

I'm so annoyed and upset about last night's sermon/talk that I'm going to write my views tonight. I have an exhaustive concordance, and like i said, I'm no scholar, but I'll write an honest opinion later by looking up passages, and getting an overall view of Hell and Judgement, which I believe is radically different from what we like to teach from selected passages.

Hell In Church...

Well the speaker covered the topic, complete with the famous Jonathan Edwards sermon "sinners in the hands of an angry God", and I wanted to cry, not because the sermon/talk affected me in a positive weay, but because it was everything I don't believe about God and the Bible.

I'm no scholar, or academic, and it frustrates me that I can't put into words what I really feel the bible says on the subject, that's why I quote people like Rob Bell and others, because what they say about it I seem to resonate with, and they speak for me.

I'm really frustrated tonight, and am feeling depressed at the images that were conveyed, and the kind of God that was taught about tonight, a God where His Wrath = Anger, and a God who can cope with not just punishing, but torturing people for eternity. I can't even begin to imagine that, and it flies in the face of everything I read in the Gospels about Jesus, and why he came.

I just don't know why I can't put it into words what I believe, I know more what I don't believe.

I don't believe that God is angry with the whole of humanity until they sign a decision card for Him.

I don't believe that God will torture people for eternity even if they didn't trust Him.

I don't believe that God's Justice demands that he defend His honour in a kind of macho way.

I don't believe that the whole point of God's Wrath is to destroy and annihilate.

I don't believe that the whole point of Jesus coming was just for personal salvation of people from hell.

I don't believe that adhering to Christianity in and of itself is what God is looking for.

I don't believe that all other faiths/religions are direct from the Devil, and have no elements of truth in them.

I don't believe that I have all the answers either.

I'm so depressed.

It seemed like I was the only one who disagreed with what was said about Wrath, and Holiness, and Jesus' work on the cross. I feel so isolated in my beliefs, like I'm a major heretic and everyone thinks I need to be "corrected". I found myself without even realising shaking my head tonight at various points, I hope people didn't notice.

*sigh* I'm off to bed.

28 Days...

No it's not a film...

It's not the length of a returns of goods policy...

It's not my age...

It's not the answer to the Universe...

It's not the number of guesses you've made reading this...

It's actually...

The number of days till my 32nd Birthday!!!

Work... Grrrrrrrr....

Is A NIGHTMARE!!

I've just about finished all the accounts for last month, and have had two members of staff ring in sick today, one of them to be signed off for three weeks...

Not that I blame them, they can't help being ill obviously, but it's just so FRUSTRATING.

I have so much to do over the next three weeks, and now not many staff to accomplish it with.

*sigh*

God loves me, but my job HATES me....

Keeping Healthy HURTS!!

Seriously people.

I decided I'd better go back to the gym, since I hadnt been in three months, was still paying the monthly fee, and I used to go four/five times a week!! (Don't get the wrong idea, I only use the rowing machine and the bike, nothing else, I'm not a muscle bound model - you'd see that if you know me or have met me lol)

Haven't felt up to it for a while, but I guess it's a vicious circle...

Where was I?

Oh yeah. The Gym.

Well, I went Sunday afternoon, deciding that I should go, and sunday afternoons are usually lazy so why not? I did the rowing machine for half an hour, and then went to the cycling. One problem I have is that I get carried away listening to my ipod, which has either a sermon/talk that I'm thinking deeply about, or some really cheesy pop album that entertains me. Well, I was listening to both - one after the other on sunday, and because I close my eyes while cycling, (yeh I know, I'm wierd but its helps me concentrate on the song/message and my cycling) I kinda forgot the time.... (Justification: well I don't go with anyone, and it's not really the place to have random conversations with strangers really, so it's not that bad that I close my eyes!!)

An hour and a half later, I realised I'd been there a while...

I did a cool down cycle, reduced the gradient on the bike and stopped. I did all the stuff you're supposed to, stretches, etc, but felt a bit stiff, as you would if you're unfit and have M.S, and have cycled for an hour and a half vigorously!

All this week, my bum muscles have ached. In fact, they've been on fire at some points, and I think I've bruised my bum muscles and got VERY saddle sore!! So, no pain, no gain as they say! I've lost weight since I started going to the gym, but most of it was in sweat on sunday!

So the moral is, don't close your eyes when cycling, otherwise you won't see the timer on the display in front of you...

I'll have a great ass but won't be able to walk properly...

Oh well!!

lol let's see what happens on saturday and my next visit... maybe I should stick to the sauna!!

Normal Service Will Be Resumed Shortly...

I got home from work at 9, and vegged in front of the tv.

I feel knackered and run down.

I hate month-end accounts.

I will blog more on the idea/progression of the idea of Hell tommorrow.

I'm KNACKERED!!

'Workin' 9 To 5' - NOT!!

I'm still at work.

I owed my boss 2 and a half hours as I left early one day last week to go to the Doctors to get the anti-biotics for the abcess I had.

Sooooo.....

It being the last day of the month, and the day of my usual stress-head doing the month-end accounts, I've decided to stay late and do them, while having my pick of music to listen to from the shop....

No distractions, no customers, no noise.

Perfect!

Accounts-done-in-a-mellow-way here I come!

Hell, it's only Hell!!

Every first Wednesday in the month, we abandon our small/house groups and all meet up in church for our appropriately entitled "Wednesday In The Word", which is basically where we invite a speaker to talk on a broad subject and then open the evning out to questions and discussion.

I'm quite looking forward to this one, because it's on the subject of "What does the Bible say about Hell?!".

Ever since I read Brian W McLaren's Theology Trilogy - "A New Kind Of Christian", "The Story We Find Ourselves In" and "The Last Word & The Word After That", I've been struggling with the whole traditional evangelical stance on the idea of hell and what/when/where it is...

Brian got me intrigued and disturbed as he seemed to be taking apart and deconstructing everything I had previously believed about the subject, as he has an annoying habit of doing!! I decided to look into it myself, by doing some study on the words "Gehennah" and "Sheol", the first being used by Jesus for the word that we translate as "hell", and the second being used in the Psalms and most of the Jewish Scriptures to refer to the place of the dead, and the state of being dead.

What I found out was interesting and again provoking, and when it comes to the question part of wednesday evening, I have some questions for the speaker that he may not like!!

My church is a good, Bible-believing Baptist church, but I've become increasingly frustrated that they have some very very traditional views. Their whole teaching structure is based round the fact that Jesus came to save us from hell, and although this is not strange for a baptist church to teach, I think it is not neccesarily the whole Gospel, and not actually what Jesus came to do at all.

Anyway, I'm going to be late for work, so I have to stop here and carry on this line of thought tonight when I have more time....

Any comments so far?!

Addendum

p.s, if you clicked on them and were intensely bored by either of those links, I apologise.

Normal service will be resumed shortly...

Announcement

I've decided, that in terms of theology, generally speaking, I am a Partial Preterist. If you want to know what that is, or can be bothered, click on the word and look it up... I also have decided (in the words of my dad) that I am a Pan Millenialist... I believe the bible says it'll all pan out in the end... (which if you realise, is a phrase adapted from the days of the Gold Rush, where the bad stuff was panned out from the Gold, which if you really think, is what the Bible says about the Final Judgement anyway!!)

For those of you who get very confused about revelation and the whole "end times" thing, look up this link. It will either make the differing opinions clearer or confuse you more!!)

So.... there you go.

This may or may not concern some of you, and may lead some of you who read my blog to think I'm going straight to hell...

Meh.

Harsh But Fair

Joking aside, sometimes I am an idiot, and I excede myself. If you're not ready for something, you're not ready, and however it hurts someone's feelings you should say. My only regret is that I didn't say sooner, and maybe I would have caused less hurt.

If something is intensely personal, I don't always write about it here, but yes I did have a girlfriend that I didn't blog about, yes I ended things last night, and yes, in this particular situation, I am the one in the wrong and an idiot.

That's all I'd like to say about it.

Reason No. 7532807525895432 I Am An Idiot...

I left my window open.

It is dark outside.

My light is on in my room.

Therefore it is light inside.

This makes all the creepy crawlies and long legged horrible things want to come in.

They do.

Now I have to share my room all night with them.

*shudder*

Films

One advantage of the last couple of days has been that I've got to watch a few films, which is always a good thing. Even if they're bad, (and they sometimes are) at least they tell me what not to watch next time!

However, I have been fortunate, in that most of the films I've watched have been good ones. The night before last, I saw '13 Conversations About One Thing', and I LOVED it. It reminded me in some ways of '21 Grams', although the conclusions were obviously different. '21 Grams' in one of it's many sub plots, broaches the subject of forgiveness, transformation and faith, and 13 Conversations covered the issues of materialism, happiness, and faith. Both also portrayed the effects and consequences of guilt, which is the main subject of Christian Bale's film 'The Machinist'. All these and also the issue of racism is covered in 'Crash', which has got to be one of my all-time favourite films.

These are my four favourite films of all time, because they provoke a response in me as a human being. All of these films try to look at the way that even though we don't realise it, we are all connected to each other in ways we can't begin to comprehend, and they all point to something greater behind it all. I love the way these films make me think about my own life, and the opinions, prejudices and choices I own everyday.

What started me thinking on all this was the taxi driver I was talking to on the way to the doctors to get my prescription. Somehow (and I don't remember how) we got onto the subject of why things are like they are, and he started down a road I didn't want to go down. He made a comment about "immigrants" bringing change into Britain, and making things worse, and causing delays in lot's of things, needless to say I don't want to repeat it here partly because:

a. I don't want to be accused of mis-representing him, and ;

b. I didn't agree with what he said.

Yes immigration is a problem we have to deal with, and I'm not pretending there are easy answers, but surely we have to see people as people, not bringers of problems or misery or disease or "lowered standards". The people we talk about when we use the word "immigrants" or "assylum seekers" are flesh and blood just like you and I, and what separates "them" from "us" is very little. They ahve families, they have dreams and goals, they have hard and joyful times, they need love and acceptance just like us. Whenever one group of people or race blame another for their problems, I believe God is saddenned. Evil is a lack of goodness, not the other way round.

Yes, there are those who are not genuine, there are those who play the system to get all they can, but there are people who were born here and have lived all their lives here who do that, I can see that in a few (and i mean a few not lots) of the customers who come into my mum's post office for their benefits. I know Immigration is a big issue, and I don't want to be a bleeding heart liberal, or a staunch stoic conservative, or a bomb throwing radical for that matter. What impressed on me most from these films is that we're all connected. Whether we realise it or not. And the sooner we realise that, the better we can work together.

Ok I know that sounds a bit simplistic, and in a way it is, but if we start to aim for the impossible, we can at least go some of the way to achieving it. As A Christian, I believe God's Kingdom will be the greatest multi-racial/multi-cultural event ever. We'll be amazed by who's there and who's not. The amazing thing for me is, that I don't know who will be there and who won't, only God does, so I can give up trying to label and judge. He only gives guidelines that it will be those in Him. And that's a label big enough to include everyone if they want it.

Sorry to get deep and sound like a softie liberal, but ignore what I say, go and watch these films and make your own conclusions. When Jesus gave the parable of the Two Sons, the film 'Crash' immediately reminded me of it.

Anyway, time to finish, I've rambled on for long enough.

What are your favourite films and why?

Bleh.

Yeh I know, not original but at least descriptive...

Wednesday was my day off, which was a good thing, because fatigue struck me like a sack of wet sand to a midget. I woke up briefly in the morning only to roll over and go back to sleep again, because trying to keep my eyes open with sheer will power felt like trying to climb Big Ben wearing a pair of slippers and holding a cheesey string...

Yeh, I was tired.

But more than that, not just tired, also lacking motivation, and lacking desire of any form...

for anything.

Just waiting to fold myself back into the cosy oblivion of unconsciousness.

That feeling has stayed with me so far this week, though not with the same level of tiredness. Twice I've attempted to go to the gym, and twice I've procrastinated. I've worked hard during my work time, and then when I've got home, just collapsed. I've found that reading is my only solace, and social interaction is something I want to run from when I'm feeling like this. I just can't be bothered being friendly or pleasant, so to avoid people I find is the best cure. John Grisham and I can interact over a southern newspaper-owner's story and the life of his small town, but that's about it. (the book I'm referring to is this. p.s. - don't read all the way down the link page if you want to read the book)

I spent most of the day in bed, finally to drag myself out in the middle of the afternoon and take a shower and at least pretend to be normal. As I gazed in the mirror I decided that part of my 'apathy episode' as I like to call it, might benefit my wallet, as I've decided I can't be bothered to get a haircut and would just let my hair grow to whatever length it decided.

Added to the tiredness/fatigue this week was also the delightful appearance of an abcess on my right lower jawbone. I had a tooth removed two months ago because of the very same painful problem, and my heart (but unfortunately not my ever expanding jaw) sank when I realised it may be the same thing again, but on the opposite side of my jaw. I've lost two teeth recently, both thankfully on the side, so there isn't a huge gaping hole when I smile, only when I grin largely, which does tend to happen to me quite a bit. I don't really want to lose the tooth, but after several phonecalls and visists to different places, (my dentist is on holiday and not back till the 9th august would you believe!!) I finally saw sense and went to my doctors who prescribed some anti-biotics.

Hopefully they should bring the swelling and the infection down, but it's still very painful. I now have to find a dental emergency clinic so that they can find the hole in the tooth, and plug it. I haven't found one exploring with my tongue, but it must be there somewhere to have caused this. Ah well, that's more money down the drain this month I couldn't have planned for.

I took the first tablet straightaway, encouraged by the raging burning in my cheek, and the knowledge that this stuff actually works, and did work last time!! I'm due to take the second tablet at 10, before I go to bed. I've being trying to get earlier nights this week, to try and recoup my energy levels, and so far it seems to be working. Having soaring temperatures at night doesn't seem to help though, as I frequently find myself waking up in a pool of sweat, no matter what I do: open the window for a breeze/close the window because of the trains, leave a sheet off because it's too hot/put it back on because I'm sweating and have gone cold, leave the door open to get a breeze/get woken up by the door slamming due to the same breeze...

I can't win.

I guess I have to admit defeat to Mother nature and conceed that for the moment, she rules.

Add to that the pain of my jawbone, and my nights are quite disturbed, although one advantage of fatigue is that even when suddenly woken, you slip into unconsciousness much faster!

I guess I should be thankful for that...