I'm feeling a bit schitzophrenic at the moment, so you'll have to forgive me.
After my recent post about following God like Hannah, in listening to my counsellor I've been trying to think positively, change my thinking habits etc. It's been quite hard, when you get into a pattern of thinking, it's strange to try and coax yourself into a different way.
I've been trying to be positive but still feel a bit strange in front of people, so have quit leading worship for a while. I didn't explain the exact reasons, but just said I'd been ill, and left it at that. I'd said I would come back to start taking part again in October, so that's next week.
I went to church this morning, and felt about the lonliest I have in a long time. Until now, I'd never noticed how brilliant my church is with families and kids. They're really good, which is great, but for single people like me, it's quite... I dunno I can't explain.
I love kids, and I act like a kid most of the time myself, but this morning at church I felt completely out of place. It's not that I begrudge people families and partners, of course I don't, and it's not that I'm jealous either, because I'm not. It's just when a group of your freinds are sitting around talking about babies and kids and school and family and partners, after a while, even though it's good things for them that they're talking about, after a while it gets to you.
Because I've always been leading up at the front most sundays, I've never really noticed before how family orientated church is, and how much I don't fit in. I guess it's because I'm normally so concentrated on the songs I've chosen, and the music and getting it right, and leading. But now that I'm in a situation that I'm not doing those things, I profoundly notice my singleness, my alone-ness. Rather than propel me to get back into worship leading however, it's actually made me question things. Is the only way I'm going to be accepted, if I "do things"?
I'm not saying that my church is wrong for the way it is, they're not. Their children's work is really good, and many families feel really welcome whether Christian or not, which is what you want in a church, but for me as a single person, it's quite hard. I realise that I've been using the fact that I lead to escape these feelings, to pretend they're not there. As I was sitting in church today, I didn't feel bitter or angry, just a profound sense of sadness that my life isn't what I thought it would be, that I don't have someone to share things that are important with.
I found this sense of sadness welling up in me at the end of the service, and quickly and quietly slipped out, before I thought I would burst into tears, I didn't want to have to explain that in front of everybody. It's a really strange feeling, I don't feel any more depressed than I already was, but there's a strange kind of deep sadness there that I didn't realise, almost as if I wasn't aware of my singleness 'till today. I don't think I want to go back tonight.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
I'm feeling a bit schitzophrenic at the moment, so you'll have to forgive me.
Scribbled by Jm at 1:48 pm
Friday, September 23, 2005
My sister's having a party tonight.
I've kindly volunteered to stay in as the older brother, to make sure none of her mates spew on the carpet......
I've donated my dvd player with surround speakers and subwoofer as the music player, and it's working very nicely, and VERY loud!!! :-)
With this awesome responisbility comes the added perk of stealing a few drinks. hehe.
I think if this party doesn't go well, we'll be able to open as an off licence tommorrow, I've never seen so much alchohol in my life before!!!!
The fridge is full.
This is either gonna be an enjoyable night or a nightmare, I hope it's the former.....
(I guarantee I'll have to clean up tommorrow... I guarantee it won't be my sis, you wait an see)
Scribbled by Jm at 9:19 pm
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
I have VERY smelly farts today.
Man, they're bad.
I mean, like they're so bad they're keeping me awake after hardly any sleep.
I think a small rodent climbed up my backside in the two hours I was asleep last night, and died there.
Trust me, I can't overstate how bad it is.
I think I may need to call a priest or a rabbi soon....
Scribbled by Jm at 11:14 am
I've been up for three and a half hours now, and it's only 6:30 am.
I went to bed last night at 12:30 am, after chatting on msn. (I wasn't tired but decided to go to bed anyway) Thankfully at the moment I'm still officially on holiday till the 28th, so I figured I'd be able to have a lie-in....
I went to sleep quite quickly, (usually it takes me half an hour) and then sat up wide awake what seemed an indeterminate time later. I looked at the clock, and it said 3:06am, so I'd only had 2 and a half hours sleep!! I tried to lie down again, but after half an hour of sleep evading me, I decided to go downstairs to watch some tv with the sound turned down low so as not to wake anyone else in the house up. I watched tv for an hour, and got a bit bored. I mean really, what quality of tv did I expect at 3 in the morning?! It was fascinating to note that half the channels I turned to were about sex. (We have Freeview, which gives us about 30 channels at home) Sex education programmes, sex problem solvers, porn review shows, docu-soap porn shows.... the list goes on and on. I guess if you're either a sex addict or a serial mastibator and based in the uk, tv at 3 am local time is the place to be.
Unfortunately or Fortunately, I'm neither of those things so I wasn't too intrigued. I ended up watching a docu-soap which involved sex (yep that word again!) counsellors trying to solve the various problems of couples whose passion flame had burned to embers, so to speak. I guess it was mildly interesting, but even if I was married and having problems, there is no way in God's Green earth I'd allow perfect strangers to set up a camera in my bedroom to record myself and my partners lovemaking so they could diagnose the problem!! (Don't worry viewers, it wasn't explicit) Well, as in all problems I guess, it had a very simple solution. The guy was a lazy toad who never got off his backside to do stuff for his wife in everyday things, so how he expected her to suddenly transform into his own personal sex slave brimming with desire for him by bedtime, I have no idea!! The show ended with both wife and husband very happy, and full to bursting with desire for each other. Good for them.
I don't mean to sound bitter, but it's a bit annoying and depressing to watch shows like that when it's practically the middle of the night, sitting by yourself in a quiet house! Rather than turn me on, (which I don't think it was intended to anyway) it actually turned me off! I'm not particularly known for my sexual exploits or experience, but even I could tell what was wrong with this couple, just from watching their daily routine. (and that was without the help of bedroom cameras)
To be honest, the older I get, the more confused about sex I get. When I have watched porn in the past (hey I'm not proud of it, but I am a 31 yr old single male, come on...) it's seemed very unrealistic and fake, and not at all like what I've experienced. Like I said, I'm not really very experienced in this area, although I lost my virginity at 22 to my first girlfreind who shortly after became my first fiancé, I can't say that a lot of sex went on, and I was always much more concerned about her needs than my own. She was very experienced and ended up almost teaching me things. Anyway, I don't particularly want to spill my guts here, or go into details, I'm not proud of the fact that after remaining celibate all the way through my teenage years and into my early twenties, the first girl that showed an interest in me I handed over something that should have been precious to me, simply because I was in love with her.
Like I said, Im not that experienced, so I may be a little off base here, but why do people portay sex so wrongly? Most of what I've seen in the past from stuff I shouldn't have watched has seemed more like a physical excercise of biological processes. It seems to me that society is obsessed with sex, but not so hot (if you'll forgive the pun!) on lovemaking. To me, sex has always been something I prefer not to do. It seems brutish and involves a lot of taking but not giving. Lovemaking, on the other hand, is what I believe God invented sex for.
Maybe it's my naivety, but I tend to think that pleasing your partner and honouring God at the same time are possible in a relationship. The ironic thing is, although everbody treats sex as if it's a physical act to get the most out of, it's what actually takes place in your heart as you become something other than your individual self that actually matters. Jesus himself stated that sex is an almost mystical process whereby two people start to become one. Rather than a physical act, it's actually at it's most powerful when it combines with a spiritual 'joining' of the two people engaged in it. That's why God says to save it for marriage, not because he's a spoilsport and doesn't want us to experience pleasure, but rather because He sees it as so important, that only in a stable, committed monogamous relationship will we experience the fullness of what God intended us to get out of it. In that sense 'making love' is much more than one act, it's actually a lifetime process between a woman and a man, who are working and loving together with God to become one person to be used by Him for good in the world.
Having said all that, one thing that did bother me, was the show thats recently been on, "No Sex Please, We're teenagers". I don't know if you saw it, but it basically followed a church youth group who were going through a course that encourages abstinence from sex. Ok, no problems there with the message for me as a Christian, the problem for me was the way they did it. To really push the point home, their Youth Workers and Pastor (who I'm sure are very hard working and dedicated people) took the group to america to see an abstinence roadshow with cheesy pop bands.
Again, I've no problem with the message, but trying to convince hormone laden teenagers not to have sex by giving them a silver ring seems to me to be a little unrealistic. We've all known times as Christians where we've been tempted to go that little bit further, and to me, whether you're wearing something on your finger or not, when the crunch time comes is not gonna stop or prevent it.
So much of what the church does today seems very shallow to me, knee jerk reactions to problems after they happen. If we teach our young people to live for God, to make up their own minds on issues of sexuality with God's help by showing them clearly what the Bible says... Surely that's better than trying to bribe them as if they haven't got a brain of their own with useless artifacts? Maybe I'm being a bit harsh here, but if I was a teenager in that group, I would have been offended that people don't take me seriously enough to ask about my struggles and talk about it, rather than encourage me to bury my head in the sand by buying a product thats about as much use as a chocolate teapot. Programs and iniatives and clever marketing slogans don't change people, real relationships with people who you trust do. That's how God's been working since the beginning of time, and He doesn't need any extra help from advertising agencies!! Sheeeesh guys when are we going to learn as the church? We can't replace biblical accountability relationships of close freinds with roadshows.
Speaking as someone who has made the mistake of giving away my virginity, I don't honestly think in that situation a silver ring would have stopped me, as I shut my own conscience out anyway. As with all things, God will use the mistakes in our lives for His Glory, but let's not in the panic to avert those mistakes, reduce Him down to a Divine Law Maker who's only interested in the things we do, not who we are as people. If we're seeking after Him, and trying to put Him first, that is what will stop us from making mistakes, not slogans.
Hmmmm.... Deep post today, guess that's what insomnia does to you!
Scribbled by Jm at 7:29 am
Monday, September 19, 2005
I was enjoying the second week of my holidays, lazily planning my day, when I got a phonecall that changed everything...
No, it wasn't one of those phonecalls that VJ talked about a few days ago thankfully, but it was one that turned my day upside down...
I got a call from my mate Ken, here's how the conversation went:
(as background, ken is one of the producers/presenters on a Christian radio Station I volunteer with twice a year. They've applied for a full time broadcasting lisence, but at the moment can only go on air twice a year in Sept/Oct and mar/Apr) For the last three years I've done a show with my best mate Baz, but as he became a dad last year, he's got a little busy lately!)
K: Hi Jm!
Jm: Hi ken, how are ya?
K: Ok thanks, just checking you're still ok for your show tommorrow?
Jm: (Long silence, then lot's of coughing)
K: You did remember we're on air this month didn't you?
Jm: (Lot's more coughing to hide his panic) Er... *cough* yeh... *cough* of course....!!
K: (laughing) For a minute there I thought you'd forgotten all about it!!
Jm: (very high nervous laugh) oh heheheehahoha... ha.... he.... ho... *coughs* er no of course not, I'd never forget my own show, don't be so silly! (voice is still very high and he suddenly realises it's gonna give him away) hahaheheheeheeehaa..... ha. (stops cos there's silence on the other end of the phone)
K: You did forget didn't you?
Jm: Er yeh, sorry. I'll get my music tracks ready today, I'm off so it's not a problem ken.
K: (laughing) You really are an idiot aren't you? (laughing)
Jm: that's why you gave me a show! (grins)
K: Fair enough, see you tommorrow, it's two hours, starting at 8pm ok?
Jm: (relieved it's not longer) Yeh no problem, see you tommorrow! (writing in diary to re-plan the next two nights completely)
K: (still laughing) ok see you tommorow.
So... there you go! I'm doing my show with one days notice! I obviously work well under pressure, because I got all the music ready this afternoon cued up and burnt onto a disc in order, and did it in three hours! Just gotta arrange the layout of my material now, but that shouldn't take long! Phew I'm so tired now! Working under pressure really knackers you!
At least it's done now.
I'm gonna go and have a lie down... lol.
Scribbled by Jm at 5:51 pm
I've been struggling for the past couple of months, ranting and raving and blaming God for the situations I find myself in at the moment, namely:
1. Being 31 and still single.
2. Having Multiple Schlerosis.
3. Struggling with depression and lonliness
4. Not having any sense of purpose anymore.
Tonight gave me a new perspective on things. One of our deacons was speaking on the passage where Jesus said "what shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?".
But he took it from a different angle than usual. Instead of waffling on about the things we shud avoid to avoid losing our soul, he looked at it from the point of view of what will being a christian cost us? he said the answer was in Jesus words to "take up your cross and follow me".
It really spoke to me tonight, because as I said I've been struggling for a while on a couple of issues, and being very angry with God and refusing to live for Him, because I saw Him as being unfair, and not treating me right. Tonight made me realise that God never promised us an easy life, in fact he promised us being a christian would not be easy, far from it! Jesus himself said that in this world, we would have trouble, but not just the ordinary kind that every other person has, but the kind that would come BECAUSE we follow Him! The only thing He guaranteed in fact was that he would be with us in this journey, and never leave us.
I've been struggling for a while since a fairly recent relationship breakup that was totally my fault because I rushed things. Through a very good freind at church, I've come to realise that marriage/kids and finding a partner is my number one desire in life, above everything. It's what I think about every day I wake up, and when I drop off to sleep at night. Now there's nothing wrong with that desire, because it's God given, but there is something wrong when I try and rush through and not wait on God's timing.
My problem is that because I've got this disease, it's so affected my thinking that I feel the need to rush and fit things in, in my life "before it's too late". It's the kind of thinking that makes me become intense in everything I do, or get involved in, and hence rush, and throw myself into. Throught talking wqith my freind Colin, I've realised this week how much this attitude has affected me, and everything I do. I've seen people who have MS further down the line in their diagnosis, and mentally, I think without realising that affected me, because I worry on a subconscious level about how much time/good health I do actually have left. The truth is, nobody knows, not even the doctors.
I'm very lucky, in that I've got some good freindships, that I've taken for granted because I was too busy bitching about how lonely and "incomplete" I was without a partner. I was bitter at God for giving me the life that I have that I saw as miserable and unfulfilled.
The thing is, what I most want, (marriage/kids etc) is actually a good thing to want, but it has to be in God's plan. I've undervalued the freindships I have with a few girls in church, because I was looking at them as "potential partners", rather than people God had put in my life to encourage me and build me up, but even more, as people that I could give encouragement too. So much advice about relationships today is about getting the best out of your partner, but not alot is about giving. I've suddenly realised this week, that the freindships I do have with women, God has put there for me to give to, NOT take. I have an opportunity to show them what a man directed by God can be like, as a strength and a support to them, not as someone whos chasing them for what he can get out of it.
Taking up my cross for me, means being a good freind, and not emotionally taking advantage of people for what I can get. What i really really want, will come in time, but I HAVE to wait for it. Hannah in the bible more than anything in her life, wanted to be a mother, and she spent many many times in front of God pleading and crying for her greatest wish to come true, but it only did so, when she gave it over to God and let Him have control. That's something I'm learning that I have to start doing. Not because I think it's gonna happen then, but in spite of it!
It's really difficult to lay your heart before God, your deepest feelings and trust Him with it. It's not something I find easy, but it's something that He requires of us. He wants our whole heart, not just the bits we think we can afford to give Him. It's been a tough lesson for me to learn, and has involved lot's of heartache for me over the last few months, but I think I'm starting to grasp what letting go means.
I don't know how much time in terms of good health I've got left, whether it's lots or hardly any, but I have to trust that God knows what He's doing. It's my cross to bear, and it's nothing compared with what He paid for me. I have to learn to give it all over to Him and let Him worry about it. If there is someone out there for me, she's certainly not gonna go for me if I'm phsychotically searching for her, and have been through a long string of wrecked freindships to get there! Think about it: If I can't have a solid freindship with a girl, how can I expect to have one with my future wife?!
A verse in Song Of Songs says "do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires", and until now I always thought that was simply talking about sex and a warning against getting involved too physically too quickly; I've since realised it goes deeper than that. God is the rightful owner of our hearts, and we should only give them to someone when He shows us the right person. That doesn't mean we should be heartless and not compassionate and loving with people, but it does mean we should hold back when thinking about "potentials". Love as the verse says, is not something to be messed around with, or entered into lightly, no matter how small the beginnings. Being attracted to someone is not a reason to go out with them!
This has been quite difficult for me to realise, but I hope that from now on, the new insights I've gained will help to make me a better follower of Jesus, and hopefully at the same time, a better man, and a better support to my sisters in Christ.
Sermon over! I've found this useful to type out as I've been thinking... what do people think?
Scribbled by Jm at 12:03 am
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Friday, September 16, 2005
I've read quite a few of his others, and really enjoyed them. I think there's only about 3 of his published titles I haven't read!
I like his style, yes he does always centre the plot round the legal world usually, but the plots and characters are usually memorable and varied enough for you to forget that by the time you start the next book.
He's very clever at twisting circumstances and situations in his books, so that when you read something near the beginning of the story, it's usually mentioned for a reason, as it will be significant later on...
His characters are always memorable, and the plot is usually so good that he doesn't feel the need to "spice" it up with lot's of bad language, etc.
Not surprising really as he identifies himself as a Christian publicly, if not directly in his books.
He's a cracking writer and I'm looking forward to the many twists and turns and shocks and surprises there will no doubt be in this one...
*grabs a coffee, smooths out the sofa and settles down*
Scribbled by Jm at 2:08 pm
My concentration span hasn't been too good lately, so I've been dipping in and out of some "thinking books"; that is, books that aren't fiction, but books that I have to read a chapter, and then think and ponder, and then read the next....
You get the idea.
Well, here are some of them over the last two months I've only got partly started.
I'm determined to finish them all!!
Scribbled by Jm at 1:19 pm
Yeh I know it's not a very original title, but I don't feel very creative today.
Finished Book 5 in the HP series, haven't bought book 6 yet, so will have to wait, grrrrr.....
Went to the pub last night for an EXCELLENT curry, had a vindaloo, the hottest one I've ever had! Got a little bit tipsy as they were giving away free drinks as part of some promotion! Oops! Never mind, at least I got out of the house for a bit, which is the main thing.
Me and my mate Pete had the usual chat about relationships, (he's in one and I'm not) and sex and trying to live for God but sometimes struggling, (not in that area for him just in case anyone reads this from my church lol) and me moaning about lonlinees and there not being any decent women about, like I always do lol.
It was a good night tho. :-)
I'm thankful for the few friends I do have. :-)
Mum and Dad leave for a week's holiday on Sunday, and I'm still off for another week and not going anywhere, so I'll have the house to myself during the day all next week. I think I'll get even more reading done! Can't decide which of my many books to start next tho.... Hmmmmm... Choices, choices....
Scribbled by Jm at 12:48 pm
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
I was booked as the speaker at the Ladies meeting at church.
It went ok, but I think I'm the new version of Daniel O'Donnell to them.
I was offered LOTS of cups of tea and battenburg cake by roughly 12 ladies, who the youngest age among them was I think, 60.
That's my life.
*shakes hand of random blog reader* "Hi, nice to meet you, my name's Jm, and I'm a nice guy"
At least if I ever need to know what's involved in a hip replacement, I'll be ok now....
Scribbled by Jm at 8:31 pm
Ok, so the girl I really, really like, who I have nicknamed "Miss Edible"...
(I haven't posted about this at all, for fear of making myself look stupid if it wasn't reciprocated)
So I'm building up the courage to ask her out, asking God to give me a really clear sign if it's right, and she says to me "I'm glad you're my freind, because you're safe, and I know where I am with you".
I smiled politely and promptly went to hang myself....
Scribbled by Jm at 7:40 pm
Monday, September 12, 2005
Fourth book was excellent!! I'm getting into this one too! I'm on to page 233 so far! It was very sad about Cedric Diggory, and the whole story has started to get a bit darker, but it's really well written.
Harry seems to be growing up fast too, I guess if you had an evil "sub-human-now-human-back-from-the -dead" trying to kill you, then you'd grow up pretty fast too!!
I still haven't figured out Professor Snape yet, I dunno why Dumbledore trusts him,what evidence he gave to prove he wasn't being a double agent for Voldermort...
I'm half exoecting there to be a giant twist at the end of this book, but we'll have to wait and see....
It's really good so far though!
I'm also waiting for someone else to die, it's been too quiet so far. And... Why can Harry suddenly see the enchanted horses when he couldn't before?!
So many questions... !! Guess I'll have to read on to find out...
Scribbled by Jm at 7:29 pm
Sunday, September 11, 2005
This in the middle of last week. It took me a couple of days, it's quite thick.
It's a really good story, made me ponder quite a lot. Without spoiling the story, the whole theme of the book is about the Environment, and particularly Global Warming and the burning of fossil fuels, and the effect this will/will not have on our planet.
The cool thing about this book, is that although it's a ficticous novel, all the references and quotes by the characters are based on environmental/scientific research and academic journals, which are footnoted on each page for easy reference.
Michael also gives his own views on the issues raised in the book, at an index at the back, which is also very interesting reading.
It was a bit more meatier than your usual fiction novel, because of the issues it tried to cover, namely: how research is funded affecting the end results, however "neutral" the carriers out of the research are; how you deal with conflicting environmental information; hwo many people who talk about "conservation" are actually destroying many sites that have previously been under managed; how according to some people, you can't actually "leave nature to itself", because the environment around us has always been manipulated by one species or other...
These and many other issues are raised, which point out that the world is actually a far more complex place than we like to admit, and while scientists have made some discoveries, they're only reaching the tip of the iceberg. There are more things in climatology that scientists don't understand, than there are that they do.
I found this a really interesting read, and it gave me a lot of things to chew over. :-)
Scribbled by Jm at 4:36 pm
This at the moment.
I started the first book last week, but due to work and other things didn't have time to read much, so had to grab time when I could. Now that my two weeks off have started, I've had lot's of time to snuggle into my leather sofa and get lost in this brilliant series!
(yeh I know I'm a bit behind the times but better late than never I say)
I started The Chamber Of Secrets on Friday night, and finished first thing saturday, and then started The Prisoner Of Azkaban. I read all day yesterday and finished that at dinnertime today. I've now just started this one, and am up to page 70.
I've been really surprised with how good a fantasy / fiction series it is. I'd heard all the press, but avoided it because I usually think things are over hyped, but in this case I was wrong, it's really good!!
I'm really enjoying it at the moment, I suppose because I've got the luxury of sitting in quiet, reading to my heart's content. It's great going from one book to the next, because you can still remember the plot and what the characters were up to previously, which obviously helps as you move onto the next book.
I honestly don't know what the fuss is all about with some Christians. It's a really good story, and I've found nothing so far that supposedly offends. Yes it has Wizards and Witches in, yes it has magic, but then so does the Narnia series by Lewis. To be honest, I'm not one of those type of Christians who sees a devil under every cornflake anyway, so I guess I'm bound to be a bit cynical towards Christians who claim the books are part of a witchcraft conspiracy to undermine the church or something. They're just a damn good story!!
Anyway, I hadn't posted for a whilke and thought I'd better explain why!! I'm going back to stiick my head in a book again, I haven't read through a series like this for ages, it's really relaxing and enjoyable!! I think I'll start on LOTR again, or Narnia after this maybe.... :-)
(p.s. if you've read further than me, DON'T leave any comments telling me what happens, I want to find out by myself!! Thanks!)
Scribbled by Jm at 3:30 pm
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Monday, September 05, 2005
Jm: Hello there?
Phone: You rang?
Jm: Actually no. You did.
Phone: Oh. Right.
Phone: Hang on...
Phone: You said hello first.
Jm: I knew you were going to do that.
Jm: *rolls eyes* You're a phone right?
Phone: Oh all right smart ass.
Phone: What's this about anyway?
Jm: Er... nothing.
Jm: that's right.
Phone: So why am I here?
Jm: How the hell should I know? You're the one who rang!!!
Phone: But, but....
Jm: Shut up. You're just here because MooCow and Thérèse were busy and I needed a stand in...
Aside: Wot about me?
Jm: You were sacked.
Aside: Oh. (looks crestfallen) Man, two blogs in two days.... (walks pitifully away)
Jm: I don't know what you're laughing at, they're both back. Bye now.
Salvador Dali: Can I paint your portait?
Jm: Hell No!
Salvador Dali: pweeeese?
Jm: No! and btw, you're freaking me out, you sound like Elmer.
BTW: No I don't.
Jm: Not you, *points to Salvador* Him!
Elmer Fudd: No he doethnt.
BTW: Yeth I do!
Jm: No, no, NO! You're doin' it allllll wrong!! Not you, *points at BTW, then points at Salvador* YOU!
Yosemate Sam: Yer sounds a heap like me there son.
Jm: Oh I give up...
Aside: I'm confused, Can I come back now?
Elmer Fudd: thtop thkitting me. Ith noth funny.
Yosemetee sam: Shut it, yer lilly-livered-mommas-boy!!
Jm: Once again.... No.
Aside: awww pweeeese...
Aside (in a sulk) ok then.
Jm: Right. That's the end.
Phone: Of what?
Jm: I thought you'd gone?
Phone: Nah not yet, Thérèse is making a cup of tea, and MooCow is playing with his hippos...
Jm: Well tough, like I said this is the end.
Phone: What Is????
This: I am. (bows) Thankyou and Goodnight!!
Scribbled by Jm at 10:28 pm
Sunday, September 04, 2005
This is a personal quest for me at the moment, as I'm questioning a lot of things, and trying to get some answers. Phillip Yancey has a writing style I like, partly because he's a journalist and has that edge of asking the right questions, but also because he's honest about his own doubts and struggles.
The sub title to the book is "How My Faith Survived the Church", and that's very relevant for me at the moment in my journey, so it seemed appropriate.
I've spent my life being brought up in Christianity which in some ways I am thankful for, but in others ways it has hindered me. At the moment I feel trapped between two opposing and separate worlds: the world of church and christianity, and the world that God made, where everyone else lives.
I know this isn't a dichotomy that God ever intended, but it's how I feel at the moment, and I'm trying to figure out where I belong. The verse in one of the Psalms that says "the earth is the Lord's and everything in it" seems to raise more questions than it answers in my mind, as if you really think that through, it will affect the way that you live and treat the corner of this world that you find yourself in. Hmmmmm. will think on that.
Scribbled by Jm at 5:28 pm
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Brian McLaren has turned my views on life upside down. With a title like that, you may think Generous Orthodoxy would be a stuffy intellectual excercise in Ivory Tower writing, but it's anything but.
Brian's warm and freindly style is complemented by his intelligent grasp of different traditions and denominations, and General Othordoxy is a wide embrace of all he's learned about God and the Church through his Christian walk.
Using the idea of G.K. Chesterton's original book as a framework of reference, he cleverly sets out what he believes to be the marks of a 21st century Christian, and indeed the original point of G.K. Chesterton's book; namely that Orthodoxy isn't a rigid set of doctrines to adhere to in a slavish manner so as to browbeat anyone who deviates from them; but rather, it is a response of relationship to a loving and merciful God who reveals Himself through our world and our many traditions of this thing called Christianity.
The point is not Christianity, the point is being like Christ.
This book has really challenged alot of my views lately, and I like the fact that Brian picks out the positives he's learned from many different traditions of Christianity, not just his own. Indeed he finds it hard to pin down exactly what label he fits, as the cover of the book demonstrates.
Coming from a Protestant/Baptist/Non-Conformist background to reading this book has been like stepping out from a world of grey, dullish shadows into the Light. It presents me with a view of God and His work, that frees me to accept others for who they are, and recognise our similarities, and not what divides us. I think that's the point.
If you're gonna buy a book this week to challenge you in your faith, get this one.
Scribbled by Jm at 4:53 pm
I joined a book club this week, and got TEN books for £9!!
That's right TEN books!!!
I'm very happy at the moment, I've got plenty to read for my hols the week after next!
I got Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, John Grisham's The Broker, the first five books in the Harry Potter series, Michael Chrichton's State Of Fear, Ruth Rendell's Thirteen Steps Down, and an A4 biography of Mettallica called So What? (I'm giving that away as a gift to someone 'cos I got it free)
I'm very happy at the moment. This book club is going to be good.
Scribbled by Jm at 4:46 pm
I slept in, drank coffee... (AGAIN lol)
Tonight my bro's taking me out for something to eat for my birthday, he said he's paying!!
Then on Monday night, my other bro (HWIM) is taking me out for ANOTHER meal!!
I'm gonna be about 20 stone by next week... :p
Maybe I should go to the cinema instead of for a meal... Hmmmm...
I'll ponder that.
Scribbled by Jm at 4:42 pm
I've had it for about 2 and a half weeks now, and it's starting to annoy me.
I keep choking on cattarh, and coughing fits all the time.
I haven't been able to sing, 'cos my voive keeps dissapearing and coming back again, and I generally feel like crap all the time.
Scribbled by Jm at 1:57 pm